Ok so anybody who has read my posts from another forum knows my OH has a teenage daughter who has an attitude problem. I have been a part of her life for 3 years now and in general it has been ok - basically we get on fine so long as everything is going her way . People (OH and inlaws mainly) are constantly making excuses for her saying she is a 'typical teenager' but in my opinion (having been a dreadful teenager myself ) it is NOT and excuse to be disrespectful or rude to anybody wether at home or in public. Although I was a shite towards my parents I was brought up to have respect and would never ever have been rude to anybody other than my parents and even then I was punished by them each and every time and always deserved it. OH however seems to be scared of his kid and rather than punish her rotten behaviour he just ignores it or gives in to her demands Now I'm sure you can imagine that this pees me off to the max. However I have always kept my trap shut and just just avoided confrontation for my OHs sake. Well I've had enough!

After a lovely weekend away this week with OH it was once again spoiled by brattish attitude and behaviour from his daughter and I finally lost my temper and told him what I thought (in private). I'm not proud of the fact that I shouted at him but it had to be said or I would have killed someone. For anyone who doesn't know - she is 17 (18 in a couple of months) and I kinda think it's about time she grew up a bit? maybe I'm wrong? I would be greatful for honest opinions on this one as I'm completely lost with it all tbh.

Anyway the whole point of this post is:- I have basically just come to the conclusion that I don't like her! plain and simple do not like her, she has a disgusting attitude towards anyone and everyone who dares to disagree with her and is just down right rude at times - even to strangers She is not the type of person I want in my life or my childrens for that matter - never mind as a role model. However I have no choice - she is in my life wether I like it or not so I need to get on with her, but how? I have got to the point where I actually dread her coming over to stay and it's getting me down. I love my OH to bits and I would never come between a parent and their child but I want him to realise that when she is in my home I wont put up with it. God it's so hard coz I don't wanna upset him

Help!

xx

Aw Debs, I answered on your other post about the whole pizza incident (which in itself is shocking ). I think it's a difficult one and until they change as a person you can't really help how you feel and TBH I think I would feel the same as you. You never know she may grow up soon and change as a person, she still sounds VERY VERY immatue for a 17 nearly 18 year old and I really hope she does. xx

Ummmm my honest opinion is that no, you can't make yourself like someone. My fil makes me want to vomit, the very thought of him raises my blood pressure.

I think that what I would be tempted to do is tell her what an arse she is - shes old enough to take it! But it's so awkward when oh's are involved and that stops me from completely devastating fil with my ninja arguing skills.

So, not much use, but maybe the answer is to tell her what the rules are (run it by oh first) that way the pressure is off him to lay down the law.....
Tricky!

If you've examined her personality and come to that conclusion - and that there's no chance of change - then I'd say no. The best you can hope for is being able to tolerate her - but even that could take some work on your part (e.g. trying really hard to find a positive, or putting effort in to trying to change her ways?!)

At 17 she should be definatly growing up - but unfortunately she'll be smack in the middle of that process now I'm guessing. When you hit about 20/21 you look back and think 'urgh, can't believe I was that immature' but then you hit 23/4ish etc and think similar (but not as bad?) to your early twenties I reckon. Things "tend" to level out from there?!

However, growing aside, there are some parts of you that never drastically change, they only tweak a bit. Like you mention about being polite to the general public - you are either brought up with that or you're not, you can't gain it (I don't think ) - like the people round here who have no clue and need to get the hell out of my way in the supermarket instead of reaching across me to get to a shelf!! I would walk around the aisle to let someone browse, only after a min or two would I make my intentions clear! and if I did need to get to something I would use the (apparenlty foreign phrase) "excuse me" !!! argh!

Things like integrity, honesty (white / grey lies aside) and common sense are some things that spring to mind. If you don't even have a snippet of them it would an uphill struggle to gain them in adulthood imho. Like you say - you have to think of your children and the fact that you don't want her in their lives - at least not how she is now. (Are there specifics you can pull her up on in that regard - laziness, swearing etc. that set a bad example?) Is there any hope that you, your OH and your kiddiewinks can provide her with the good example she might need?

It's hard because at that age you still don't appreciate all that is done for you - bills paid, clothes bought, pocket money, food made, clothes washed etc. but you really should appreciate and make the most of it as it doesn't last much longer! Once you get that perspective I think there can be a hope for change - i.e. that the teenager can see a bigger picture and not be so egocentric.

Really highly likely I'm waffling on, but really feel for you that you don't have the option to avoid her or cut her out without alot of agro - as that would be my first suggestion xx

You already know what I think hun. I personally think that she took full advantage that her parents split up when she was 14/15 and was savvy enough to realise that she can play her dad like a fiddle.

She is nearly a woman ffs! She is old enough to have her own children!

I think you did the right thing by telling him. Hopefully now he realises you are not going to tolerate it, he wont let things get so far when she is acting like a spoilt brat.

I do think, however, that in a few years when she has grown up, you will probably have a pretty good relationship with her.

x

I personally feel that no you can't make yourself like someone but although I do not know the full story I too was a product of a broken marriage and my dad met someone else and I have to say my behaviour from 14-19 was some what like this but I did have general manners.

I look back now and do wish things were done differently by myself and my Dad but I/we cant change what has been done. I think its a good idea for you and your OH to lay down some rules I wish that was done with me.

A positive is that me and my dad's OH get along great now I think personally the situation will get worse without some rules guidance from you both regarding what you class as acceptable behaviour in your house.

I hope this helps alittle.

Thanks for all the replies ladies.

You are right Susan - she is very imature for her age. I only really have myself and what a couple of friends have said to compare but ata her age I was certainly well on the way to at least start 'growing up'. The 'pizza incident' on the other thread is just a small example of her behaviour

I know what you mean Jaffle about feeling grown up then looking back and realising you weren't. I still don't feel grown up lol

I do think I did the right thing by telling him I'd had enough. I am just scared that he will feel torn and it will start to come between us as a couple. There is nobody to blame for her behaviour other than her parents but she is fully aware of how spoilt she has been and basically uses it as an excuse i.e. "it's not my fault I have always had everything I've wanted and been spoilt" to which I replied that there is only one person that is responsible for her choices and behaviour and that is her and with that attitude she wont achieve much in ife and end up with nobody - lets just say that didn't godown too well.

I have to add that although this post makes her sound like a little witch, she is ok and we do 'get on' but only if I am pandering to her and treading on eggshells so as not to disagree/upset her. I don't want to have to put on an act in my own home 2 days a week, I actually find myself scared to even ask her to turn the tv down when the kids are napping because of the tuts and comments - it's pathetic - I'm supposed to be the adult ffs!

xx

She is in your home and should respect your rules and boundaries. However saying that with teens, you have to learn to pick and chose your battles. After awhile you start to sound like that never seen teacher on Charlie Brown cartoons. You and hubby need to make sure you have each other's backs when it comes to her being disrespectful, if one caves, the other feels like they are left flapping in the wind. She is about to embark on a real wake up journey, and boy oh boy..it ain't gonna be pretty when the harsh reality of life hits her upside the head. Once she enters mainstream world and she isn't treated as the little princess anymore. It will happen! xxx

The problem I have Jen is up until now I have always kept my trap shut and just put up with it for OHs sake - probably the wrong thing to do but it's all new to me - so now if I do dare try to enforce any 'rules' it's as if I've just shit on her shoe tbh we don't really have 'rules' as such - just general good manners would be a start

I also have the problem that I know OH wouldn't back me up if I had a problem, she has this weird hold over him as if he is scared of her if she says jump he says how high - always - sometimes at the expence of other members of our family which is gonna stop too.

You are sooooo right though about the wake up journey and again you're right that it isn't gonna be pretty. I feel as though it is going to hit her worse than others her age because of the way her parents have treated her and in a way her parents have done her a huge diservice as I'm actually worried she wont cope with it tbh They may have given her everything money can buy and asked for nothing in return - not even gratitude - but they haven't taught her any life skills at all and I foresee major problems when she goes out into the big wide world. I do care about the girl, she is my OHs flesh and blood and for that reason I love her but I just do not like the person she is becoming and what worries me more is that other people have also commented to me in the same vain.

xx

You need to be supported, you may not be the biological mom..but nonetheless you are a mom and to her half siblings. You should not be walking on egg shells in your own home. She doesn't have much time left under your roof. Glad you are asserting yourself with OH..just don't let her try to come between you..she sounds like she's a pro manipulator already. xxx

its a really hard position u find urself in hun and i know exactly how u feel as u know i have a step son to a few years younger than ur step daughter but im struggling the older he gets as like most teenagers he is gettin an attitude but as he is not biologically my son im finding it hard how to deal with it and often if i disagree with what oh says when it comes to his son im picking on him! which im not and if it were evan the same rules wud come into place
sorry i cant offer much advice but ur oh has to open his eyes and stop being worried that his daughter is gonna fall out with him chances are he feels guilty for not having her 24/7 so when he has her he doesnt want to upset or fall out with which is daft but def the way men think

jesus at 17 nearly 18 i was about to become a mother. tell her what you think and how you feel, at that age she should be able to have discussions and take confrontations like a mature adult x