Hiya

Here's another one for you ladies.

I have a lot of problems with confidence, self image, and am very insecure and can be untrusting of people. I blame my mum and dad's divorce and how they handled me before and afterwards for a lot of the problems i now have with myself.

I was seen as a spoilt brat and all of my mums friends didn't like me in the slightest but that wasn't how i acted. It was how my dad treated me. Needless to say my mum hated my dad. Lots i could say but you'd be here forever reading it all.

I think that's what royally f*cked me up and i think that's why i protect myself a lot. I also think that's why i have problems in my relationships. Not just with my OH but my friends and family now.

Who do you blame for your problems?

Dee
x

I don't think I can blame anyone for my insecurities about myself.
I blame my ex for my trust issues and my current oh hasn't helped the problem!

My perspective on family has changed alot since my parents divorced, it was only a few years ago so I was an adult. I just think knowing exactly what was going on has done nothing what so ever for me.

I was only 11 when they officially seperated but they slept in seperate rooms since i was about 8 or 9. My mum was seeing another man for a good few years before they split. I was moved in with him without my knowledge. He was just there in the new house when we got there.
x

I don't know if i really blame anyone. I was always really insecure/shy/paranoid from a young age, i think that's just part of my personality.

I do think my Mum should have divorced by Dad a lot earlier, he "worked away" since i was about 8 and sometimes I only saw him once a month, but we all kind of knew he was just having an affair. They didn't actually divorce till i was 14. I think some of that affected me as we just didnt talk about it as a family which meant i never felt comfortable talking about my feelings so my family which lead to a lot of bottled up feelings coming out in a bad way.

But I don't know if I can say I blame anyone. Everyone makes decisions that they think are right at the time, my mum was doing what she thought was best and I can't blame her for that and I guess I can't really blame my Dad for falling in love with someone else and being to scared to tell the family.

x

I can truly say it's my parents fault. I think i've lost a couple of months of my life as i don't really remember much after the move. It isn't coming back to me at all. As a result of my mums relationship i ended up getting bullied at school and had to move high school cause the guy she shacked us up with was one of my friends grandads. The girl was in my class too so i couldn't escape her. I got bullied, alienated and was alone for a good 6 months with no friends. Every day they would taunt me and beat me up and call me names. It really wasn't a great thing for me.

Dee
x

deecee24 wrote:

I can truly say it's my parents fault. I think i've lost a couple of months of my life as i don't really remember much after the move. It isn't coming back to me at all. As a result of my mums relationship i ended up getting bullied at school and had to move high school cause the guy she shacked us up with was one of my friends grandads. The girl was in my class too so i couldn't escape her. I got bullied, alienated and was alone for a good 6 months with no friends. Every day they would taunt me and beat me up and call me names. It really wasn't a great thing for me.

Dee
x

Aww poor you, that sounds awful.

it was. i kinda went off the rails for a few years after that. x

I used to blame my dad, but then I had counselling and it made me realise that it's me that is control of my emotions, me who chooses my future and me who can choose to forgive and move on, or dwell on it, so I moved on and I felt like a weight had been lifted. I was 17 when I had counselling and it was the best thing I ever did, I think I'd be a very different person now. You should consider it dee xxx

Im inclined to agree with Mandy, i had counselling a few years ago after being off work with stress related depression. It opened my eyes a lot. Maybe some of the person i am stems from childhood but i have the choice on how i deal with it as an adult and im far healthier for having discussed it these days. Ive also learned to accept im a grumpy stroppy mouthy hot tempered doberman and being more aware of it means i try harder to rein it in at the appropriate times rather than behaving like a child then try and pass the buck for my behaviour. I dont always succeed but i do spend far less time on the naughty step these days cos im generally better behaved as ive taken ownership of myself

Sorry i went off at a tangent there, basically to answer your question dee i dont blame anyone for my issues. Childhood for me is only ever a starting point not the final chapter. Id def see if the counselling would help how you feel about things

I think a lot of the insecurities do stem from childhood. What we do with them and how we handle them as adults does fall on our shoulders. xxx

I wanted to put a like against Mandy and Mario's posts because they said exactly what I believe.

I am totally responsible for my own emotions and only I can control them.

We are all a product of our past experiences and it is up to us how we deal with those experiences. A big event like parents divorcing is bound to have a profound effect on you as a child but as an adult you choose to carry the negative emotions of that time with you. You can also choose to accept it as part of your history and remove all emotion from the event (I describe this as seeing memories as if you are watching them on TV and the event happened to someone else).

I agree with the others counselling probably will help you deal with some of the issues. If you can afford it and are ready to cope with it coaching will take you to an even deeper level and help you find the answers to your deep rooted issues.