This is my diary entry for Chloe's birth. I still haven't got over how far away from what I expected her birth to be, but hopefully in time, it will get better. It's quite a long one!
12/02/09. Well I have to go into hospital for my elective c-section at 7.45am. Chloe is in the breech position so it's too risky to go into labour naturally. I'm 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
I'm feeling pretty terrified, worried about the section, worried about the spinal block, if I have a bad
reaction to it as I have allergic reactions to anaeshetics. I'm worried that something will go wrong with the procedure and I'll bleed to death and never get to be a mum to my baby and worried that something will be wrong with Chloe as we opted out of the Downs Screening test at my 12 week scan.
We arrive at the hospital and are quickly shown to a small ward with 2 other people in, this is where we'll wait until I go to theatre and where I'll be bought back to with my baby. I get changed into my gown and examined and we are visited by the theatre midwife, the anaesthatist and the consultant who is going to be doing the op, who happens to be pregnant too. For some reason having a female consultant who is expecting makes me feel a little better. We're told that we're 3rd in line so we have a bit of a wait. Matt goes off to get some breakfast and a paper. I haven't been allowed to eat since the night before.
The first lady goes off for her section and reappears with her baby around 45 mins later, she seems ok, which makes me feel better. I hear her baby crying and hear her breastfeeding for the first time, which for some inexplicable reason makes me cry - Damn hormones.
The second lady goes off and comes back an hour later, now she is very woozy and not with it. 10 mins later around 11.30am we get told it's our turn. Matt is now dressed in his gown and he walks alongside me to the theatre, my heart is pounding, I have butterflies in my tummy and I'm feeling pretty terrified. The room is huge and they have Magic FM on the radio. I get on to the bed and I'm told to lean forward for the spinal. I'm shaking like a leaf and Matt later tells me he's never seen me look so frightened before. He's great holding my hand and reassuring me. It takes a few goes to get the needle in properly, they miss a few times and the pain down my leg was horrific. By the time they manage to do it, I'm in a bit of a tearful state and demanding to go home. The epidural took effect really quickly, it felt like having pins and needles down my legs and they lay me down on the bed. Once they're satisfied that I'm numb enough,(by poking me with a needle!) the curtain goes up and they start the op.
I have no idea what they're doing but I can feel them moving around,I'm feeling really sleepy and struggling to resist the urge to close my eyes and go to sleep. After what feels like an eternity they lower the screen and I hear her screaming and my baby is shown to me, Aretha Franklin's Rescue Me is
playing on the radio. I remember checking she was a girl and remember feeling that I should be crying or feeling some emotion but I just felt ill.
She was taken straight away to get cleaned and weighed. Matt went over with her, she was born at 12.37pm weighing 7lbs and was incredibly unhappy at being pulled out of her little world. Matt bought her over to me wrapped in a little blanket and I thought she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I couldn't hold her properly as my arms were wired to various machines and I felt very out of it. Have I told you lately by Van Morrison is playing, Matt and I decide that's going to be 'our song' I'm just about to have my first cack handed cuddles when all of a sudden I started seeing double and feeling unwell, my BP dropped and Matt and Chloe were taken outside. I am given an oxygen mask. The consultant tells me they have had to cut through my blood vessels while removing the placenta and I found out afterwards that I lost 1.8 litres of blood. The thought that something awful was happening and that I was going to die on the table without holding my baby was overwhelming, but I was feeling too ill to cry. I could here her crying in the next room, I just wanted Matt there with me and after what felt like an age, the consultant said they'd managed to stop me bleeding but I'd need a transfusion.
I managed to breastfeed her about an hour later, which was a miracle seeing how woozy and out of it I felt, then after she fed, she started turning blue and stopped breathing, I don't remember much about it, just the midwife coming in and rubbing her vigorously and sheer panic on Matts face. I don't think I was really aware of what was happening because of the drugs, it was only later when I felt more with it that it sunk in what had happened.
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, I got moved on to a proper ward at 8pm, after around 20 mins of being there I felt sick and filled up 4 sick bowls one after the other, I was sweating buckets and didn't feel well at all. The doctor gave me an anti sickness jab and bought a fan in for me. I wasn't able to feed Chloe myself again that night as I was too busy throwing up. I couldn't pick her up, feed her, comfort her, the midwifes took her for the night and Matt was told to go home. I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day I felt a little more with it as the drugs had worn off, although now I was in agony from all the vomiting pulling on my stitches. I managed a shower with Matt's help and nearly passed out. I had terrible trouble breastfeeding her in hospital, I had to hand express and feed her from a syringe as she wouldn't latch on to me properly. But we managed to master the art once we got home.
Her Nannies came to see her on the Friday afternoon and were there as soon as visitors were allowed in as they were itching to see her. We'd got on to the ward too late for them to come in the night before (although this didn't stop them pretty much camping in reception and arguing with the
receptionist on the day she was born!) Sharon came up to see her in the evening on the Friday and on the Saturday, Mum and Sue came back with Matts Nan and Kirsty visited in the evening.
I was let out of hospital on the Sunday 15th February, I still felt exhausted but was glad to be going home.
