A lot of you may remember a the trouble I have had with my parents. They stopped the kids adopt, got the social services onto me out of spite, turned pretty much my whole family against me and lied about so many awaful things to the point most people on my old village totally ignore me to name a few things! Anyway we haventt spoken for 16 months, they have never seen sam.
So on Monday they rang me. They said they would like to make up and were desperate to see me and the kids, they regretted everything that had happened and said a lot has happened in anger that shouldn't gave happened. They have asked can we start afresh.
So I have said they can speak to the kids by phone which they have, and maybe in the future I may let them see the kids. But I am so confused by it all.
Am not sure ifi can move on from it, they have hurt me so much and done so much. I was totally depressed for about a year after it all happened (a month before sam was born)
Am I right in doing all this? I think I should be putting the kids first and letting them back into their lives. Bur to do this I will have to have a relationship with them because I will never trust them alone with the kids.
I am going through so many emotions at the moment. Ben isn't really happy about it but has said he will go with whatever I Wang but he wants nothing to do with them which is understandable.
I really need some opinions and advice cause I am so confused.

baby steps i think. speaking on the phone, e mails, texts etc. see how it goes?? see if they can prove u wrong and gain ur trust again?? mibi when thats done and u feel ready, meet in a mutual place.. test the waters and see how it feels?

tbh i am taking a stab in the dark, this is just what id think about doing if the forgiving time ever comes for my family....

deffo say baby steps. dont be pushed/guilted into a decision ur not ready to make x

aww mara no wonder your confused, i really dont know what to say hun, just do things at your pace and whatever you feel comfortable with. you are right in just letting them talk to the kids on the phone, it will be a big step for you to trust them again after all they have put you through. they cant just expect to say sorry then all be forgotten, they need to earn your trust back...do whatever feels right for you and your family xx

ah hun ,,, such a tough one for you ,,,,,, do you think they will be ok with the kids ? ,,, do the kids miss not having them in their lives and want them in their lives ?
maybe not forgive and forget but for the sake of the kids maybe try be civil to them ? x x x

Baby steps..and tell them that. You need to be able to express to them how much they hurt you and by allowing them back into your life(lives) they have to know that they have to regain YOUR TRUST again. It's not going to happen over night, and may take years to heal those wounds, but forgiveness is a gift you give yourself..it set's yourself free from all the resentments and hurts they have caused you. You have to be commended for opening the door..even a crack..and don't ever feel guilty for doing so. Agree with Laura..don't feel pushed or coerced into anything you aren't willing to do. They also need to apologize and make amends with Ben. xxxx

Wow what a shock for you,
I agree with the ladies, take things slow and see how things go.
It must have taken some guts to get in contact with you on there part, you would hope that they wouldn't have done that unless they were serious about seeing you all and having a relationship with you and your lovely children.
Have everything on your terms hun, you have that right!

I hope you are ok, can only imagine what emotions are about at the moment for you
xxx

i'm with the other girls hun, take it slow...don't feel pressured into anything, if you want to call them..call, if you don't...don't....make it clear to them that you are in control and you don't trust them yet, so things go at your pace....

no wonder you are so confused (((((hugs)))))

you know where i am if you need anything at all xxx

Thanks girls. Tbh I could cry, I wish they hadn't got in touch at all. I had grieved for them and put it to bed but it has brought everything back for me. I feel guilty that I kept the kids from them but at the same tome I knew it was the right thing to do. Trust me when I say they have been evil to me. Am I crying out for a mum? O don't know that I am.
It's all so difficult. I have spoken to her twice and she was telling me all about what's been happening with her and everyone else and about her new bloody puppy as if I had spoken to her yesterday! I felt so far removed from her. She said I love you Donna and I couldn't say it back.
I think they think that eventually we will be allspice again but it just won't happen. I have this very hard feeling in my heart that still wants to hurt them.
The kids were actually over the moon to speak to them which makes it worse. How can I take that away. They are desperate to see the kids and meet sam and I think they are thinking weeks rather than months. Am not sure I will ever be ready to see them but I don't want the kids to start resenting me and there is no way they will be having them without me there.

oh hun, it sounds like such a hard situation to be in i really dont know what else to say but i hope you start feeling a bit better soon and like i said do what feels right for you and your family not what you feel you 'should' do for everyone elses sake .take care ((((((hugs))))) xxx

New page darlin. And with this new beginning..you need to be able to tell them that things are going to be different from now on. NO longer will you be their whipping boy(girl) or put up with any crap. Because you grieved and learned to carry on without them, you realized that life still went on. I know you hurt..man..you went through some terrible horrific times with your family that is absolutely sinful what they did to you! Don't be afraid to say to them - I am guarded..and rightfully so...just because we are on speaking terms..doesn't make us new best friends..like nothings happened..because history has a way of repeating itself eventually. Make your voice heard, not only to protect yourself..but Ben and the kids. You deserve only the best life has to offer! xxx

I couldn't put it any better than Jen has done ^^^ I can't imagine how confused you're feeling right now, and torn too. Do you think that you may regret it if you didn't give them that one last chance to win back your trust and prove themselves to be remorseful? They are going to have to try long and hard!!! Good luck in your decisions my lovely, make them do all the running xxx

I'm going to go against the others here and I personally wouldn't have them in my life. I have cut contact with my father for different reasons and every now and then he contacts me wanting to see us and I refuse because I've learnt to live quite happily without him, I dont want or need him in our lives and he wouldn't bring any benefit to Chloe's life. I would rather her not have a grandad then one I couldn't trust. I guess what I'm trying to say is look at whether they will enrich your life or if you're doing it for them. I would also say put your feelings first, rather than the kids in this case, they will adapt to whatever you decide to do. Good luck xxx

You know what i think lovely, when did they ring again? dont be pushed by them Donna, you do whats right for YOUR family and if that means they have to wait then they should accept that without question.


you know where i am love xxxx

I havent had a chance to read all of the other replies, but I would possibly arrange to meet them on my own for the first time, maybe two times, to see what they have to say for themselves, especially before bringing them back into the kids lives.

Hopefully they will accept full responsiblity for what they have done and you will get a better feel for what you want after meeting them.

x

Hiya I don't know the full details, but I do work with kids whose family members go missing for a while.

We never start with face to face contact, we start with a letter and after a few a phone call and then
Perhaps if everyone wants it face to face and its always supervised first. This process can take 6 to 12 months.

As mom you need to trust whoever is in your child's life, take it slow, don't be pushed into anything
Also Xmas is coming and from my experience that's when emotional blackmail comes into play. Set your plan with your other half now, tell the children then tell them, that will help.

This is for you to control and plus sending a hug, think you need it .

mara ive had very very similar problems with my mum and i was put int he same predicament (sp?) i decided to let her back into the kids lives, john also wasnt happy but did it for the kids. and now the kids love her and im glad i did let her back in. we speak but keep our distance too xx

Ive kind of had the same problems with my dad hun. Although not to the extend you have had with your family and have never felt the stress you have been through I imagine.
The short story is he threw me out when I was pregnant - my mum had said we could stay there til we had enough money for a deposit - but my dad couldnt deal with the fact that me and my mum wanted him to stop smoking weed as hannah would be around and he went totally mental and told me his drug usage was none of my business and that I was a @~*& and threw me out when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. Had to quickly find somewhere to rent and decorate before hannah was born 2 weeks later. there is so much more to the story but anyway when hannah was 4 month old he still hadnt seen her and my mum begged me to let him see her. I thought about it for about a month then I let my mum take her up to see him. about 3 months after that I stepped back inside my mums house for the first time.

I can honestly say he has changed since all that. I am still detached from him. When the whole thing happened I found out a lot of stuff about him that to be honest I wish I never had - one of those things was that he used to inject drugs when he was looking after me and my sis when we were children - and I honestly cant for the life of me, having hannah understand why someone would put their child in that situation. I say to this day even though I speak to him if he died I wouldnt care much. Id only care because my mum would be upset.

he is a horrid horrid man but to watch him with hannah and see how much nicer he is because she is in his life and how much easier my mum and sisters life is because of that makes it all worth it.

Ive went off topic here and I know that your story is different to mine but I just wanted to say that I never thought my dad would be bothered about not seeing hannah. your parents will have been gutted every single day about never seeing your kids and to make this step to contact you and apologise like that proves how much they regret it. I totally agree with the other girls though take it very very slowly and if you want it just to be for the kids for a while first then do that. do whatever makes you feel comfortable and the minute you start to feel uncomfortable take a step back.

p.s this is why I love this site you can say things like this and not feel uncomfortable
x

Do the kids ask about them hun? Obviously i know sam cant xx
It must be so hard 4u to decide x if u were thinking about it i agree with others babysteps xx

I agree with Jen completely you need to tell them the ground rules tell them this doesn't make everything alright but because YOUR a grown up you will let them have a relationship with the kids but that's as far as it goes and just take it one day or visit at a time... would Ben take them to see your parents if you didn't want to see them?

I think as a lot as the others have said ...Baby steps....

You'll need to make it clear to them you are still hurt and although you appreciate thier apology it's going to take you some time to get over things.

i think as your doing just phone calls is a good start.

I hope your ok Mara xx

Oh hun, what a situation to be put in. You have been given some fantastic advice here and I echo that. Whatever happens it will take a very long time for them to get where they want to be and if it means that much to them they'll take things at your pace and not push too hard.

Have you considered calling Relate for some family counselling?

I really hope you get a good outcome hun x

Oh hun what a situation... I think you've just got to go wih what feels right for you and the kids.
Take small steps like the rest have said and see if the trust can be built up again.
But I'm a bit like Mandy once my trust has been broken theres no going back.

Hope you find the right answer x x x

Thank you all for replying.
Mandy that's exactly how I feel, I don't think it would enrich my life to have them in it, I have learned to accept life without them, but after seeing Chelsea and Tom happy after speaking to them they obviously need the contact with them. At the same time, sam doesn't know them at all and Archie doesn't remember them but how will it affect them when they are older if Chelsea and Tom are seeing their nan and grandad and they can't.
I think I need to let them know that I can't have the kind of relationship with them I once had and that they will never have the kids alone etc but I will let them back into the kids lives slowly.
Ben says they shouldn't be in the kids life that they are dangerous and manipulative etc. And whilst heis right I just think it's so easy for him to say that. We live 4 doors from his parents where he grew up, he has all his family and friends round him etc. Nothing has changed in his life from it all!
Hmmmffffhhh why can't Life just be simple. I refuse to get on the mess I was in last year!
Xxxx