Most of you know that I have had more therapy than most and now give more than I receive but only occasionally have I told some of you what I went through in 2006 to become the person I am now. I had the article below published in the journal of the National Council of Psychotherapy in February 2007 when I was still going through the early part of my journey. I never even had the thought of sharing this with you on AB but somehow it feels right now.
To be Different When I Go Home!
My experience of Coach Training
On the first morning of a four day coach training course, like many courses, we were asked what our goals and expectations of the course were. The words ‘to be different when I go home’ came out of my mouth but I had no idea what different was and even less idea how true my words would ring.
Over four days at the Isaak Walton Hotel, Dovedale I learned many of the tools and techniques of coaching from Tim Polkinghorne, Principal Coach of Nirvana, but most of all I learnt about myself. As one of three delegates on the course everyone played the role of coach, coachee and observer to practice the skills we had been taught in the classroom.
It was during these practical sessions on day one that my split was spotted; in writing down ’10 things I am grateful for’ one side of my split was displayed and later whilst being coached by one of the other delegates the other side of my split responded. At this stage nobody knew whether I had two splits or more but it made for an interesting case study for the course and I was so interested to find out about me that I was happy to share it with my new friends and fellow delegates.
Despite my protestations on the first day by day two I had decided that I wanted to be cured of my split and Tim came up with a way of using my split to demonstrate the power of a Meta Mirror. I have no idea what happened in the room that afternoon because I was somewhere else deep in a buried part of my past searching out the cause of my split but the other delegates were overwhelmed by the energy and heat generated in the room. By the time I had reached my split I had gone back through twenty-eight years to a time before I could consciously remember and to a memory I had buried in a piece of towel that I had used to wipe my hands and cup at playgroup. Coming back to the present through my history to the present day I was amazed by how many memories that I had treasured or found especially painful were no longer important and their places had been taken by things I had either forgotten or had previously thought insignificant.
Curing my split was finally beginning and the Meta Mirror had opened the door for me to make it happen. It was three weeks later before the child in me finally chased out the split completely and a further week before the last remnants of the person I had been were finally removed. During the first three weeks my inner child was in control and on display something most people in my life found difficult because my inner child was always hidden even from me before. I spent time at age 3, 5, 9 and for over a week 12 ½. When asked on day four of the course ‘how old are you?’ my response was a ramble of all the ages I had been through over the previous 48 hours and concluded with me guessing I was about 9.
It is difficult to describe the places I went to in my first month searching for the real me or ‘new’ me as I have come to describe myself. I lost twenty eight years to my split and now able to begin building the life I should have lived as my beautiful self. My journey is only just beginning and it will take time and effort to reach my nirvana but at least I am now on my path and not striding along a road that isn’t mine. I still, four months on, don’t have complete clarity on who my beautiful self is but I know I will be happy and I know what I am responsible for this is more than I ever had before.
On the third day of the course in Dovedale we walked to the stepping stones across the River Dove but instead of crossing via the stones we took off our shoes and socks and waded across. The water was cold and the river bed stony but the achievement at the end was worth every minute of cold, sore feet. I liken my journey to nirvana to my paddle in the Dove and now my feet are cold, wet and sore but one day they will be warm and dry and I will be my beautiful self.
I will always feel I close bond with the Isaak Walton Hotel, Dovedale because it is the place I was reborn. Visiting it a month after the course I said to Tim ‘I feel like I could not come here for 30 years and still know how to get here.’ It is like home and one room in particular, known fondly by the delegates on that course as ‘the bum room’ is particularly special to me. Try the course yourself and I am sure Tim will happily explain how the room got its name from a 29 year old 3 year old.
So when on 11th October 2006 I said ‘To be different when I get home’ I wished for something bigger than I had ever thought possible. The girl who hated pink so desperately craved it that it had to be bought that very day and it had to be the right pink. My life is full of colour now where there was only dullness; my fast paced career and need to be surrounded by people is being replaced with I am doing this job to fund what I really want to do and please leave me alone so I can be with my thoughts. I needed to be needed now I am self-reliant. Television, radio and fiction have been pushed out by reality.
I love new me more than I ever could have loved old me and know that my future will be positive and full of using my new tools to the betterment of myself and those I come into contact with. I look forward to having 100% clarity in my own reality and dance in the unknown of what the next few months and years will bring as I follow the path to nirvana.
