needing a bit of advice ladies if u can!

the kids/teenagers around our area arent the best not all from bad families or that but jst the type with attitude think they can do as they please some of them wudnt think twice bout givin any adult the height of abuse! and the language that comes out of there mouth is vile! there are a couple tho who are really nice kids thing is they all hang about together! and now my ohs son who is about to be 13 goes about with them to! he has hung about with them for a few months usually jst outside our house playing football now i know he is no angel but ive not heard any of the parents on the street say anything bad about him or that he has been involved in any of stuff the rest of them get up to, we know a couple of them drink and smoke they all about12-14
our neighbours daughter who is in my stepsons year at school since goin to secondary has turned into a bit of a rebel she was a lovely wee girl but now smokes, drinks, bunks of school stays out half the night, her mum is on her own and trying to control her but id imagine its not easy!
oh told his son to stay away from her, we find out tonight they are going out! then straight away oh gets a txt from his mate saying his mates step son has been jumped and beat up turns out its was from one of step sons friends and another boy! my oh hasnt said anything yet and his son claims to know nothing of this or to have seen his friend tonight
now i jst think its time we put a stop to him hanging bout with these ppl, half of them r jst idiots but a few of them r nice kids, it jst seems his son is goin towards the idiots i really dont think he shud be goin out with this girl cos im positive it wont be long til he is joinin her in bunkin smokin and i dont thinks he will be slow with sex either! but other than not lettin him out how do we stop it??

what wud u do?

i dont think you can hun. Does he have other friends?! cos if this is his main/only group of friends then i really dont think you can stop it, you just have to hope he makes the right decisions.
Maybe try and arrange more activities, like going out places as a family when he's around so he doesnt have as much time to hang with them but i dont think that you can stop him completely. Your not full time carers for him are you? That will make it even harder.
xx

I think it's one of them - learn by others mistakes situations! Perhaps do the try to educate him with smoking sex etc. I feel your pain my own son is 11 and although at present he hangs out the front on his bike or with a football it won't be long before it moves on to the next level. I am quite lucky he is the only boy amongst 3 girls as they all school together and no boys live too local and he's not allowed too far... I dred the day he starts secondary school as that's when he will spread his flippers a bit hopefully in a nice boy (not that nice ) way

Yeah they r his only group of friends here
He stays here 3 nights a week there isn't much we cud do thru the week what with school and needin to get Evan to bed also wen we do arrange to do things he goes in the huff doesn't want to come then spends whole time with his face trippin him which ruins things for everyone
All oh is saying bout it is what can I do so I don't even see why I'm bothering worryin if he won't but one thing is for sure I won't be puttin up with things if he starts gettin in bother I'm not Gavin Evan around that

thats the thing, you can punish the behaviour, but i dont think theres any way to prevent it, we all do it at some point in our teenage lives!
x

I think you just have to let him get on with it but be supportive to him so that he will tell you what's going on. My mum was of the "let me make my own mistakes" camp and always believed that telling me I couldn't do something would just make me do it behind her back. She would rather let me have some drinks at home with her then go out rather than me sneak out and drink without her knowing etc.

If you try to stop him I think he will only do it anyway.

Oh dear. It really is a difficult one. Having been where you are now and now looking to the future being a Grandma at the grand old age of 37, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice.

I took the 'educate them, trust them and let them live their life' route and look what happened to us. Thankfully with A he is against smoking and drugs but hormonal teenagers CANNOT be trusted to take precautions. If I had my time again I think the only thing I could have done differently is put a supply of condoms in the bathroom and trusted he take what he needed. I would have given him some but you have to be careful there because if the girl or mother wants to prosecute then you can be held liable!!

Unfortunately the easily led children are attracted to the undesirables, as they are more fun and 'cool' and the more you tell them not to hang around with them or try to stop them, the more they'll want to do it. There's a fine line between supporting them through the teenage years, whatever happens and just letting them get on with it.

I think the only advice I can give is to start treating him like an adult(ish) by talking to him, rather than at him or down to him (I'm not saying you do but there is a transition we have to make as parents, with kids when they become teenagers), so he feels he can have discussions with you or your OH and not just feel like whatever he says will be rubbished or frowned upon. He will ultimately do what he wants to do but if he feels he has support and can turn to his parents (step or not) then you will have more influence over what he does rather than him throwing all his energy into his mates! Well that's the theory anyway!

I may be out of place saying this but if you try to wash your hands of him, this will ultimately end up causing you and your family more grief because he is your OH's son after all! I know you want to protect Evan but I can guarantee you he will bring more trouble to you door if you push him away than if you keep him close. Unfortunately teenage years are the hardest for both the child and the parent but are also key to what type of an adult they become. You really need to discuss this with your OH as he needs to be the person who deals with his son as it's all too easy for the child to just say 'you're not my parent' and think that this gives them the right to do whatever they want.

I don't know what his school are like but it may be that you will need to keep in close contact with them so you can monitor if he bunks and deal with it accordingly. Do you have a good relationship with his Mum or are things strained there? Btw, when I say 'you' I do mean you and your OH, not just you as he is his dad's responsibility and he MUST play a key role in his sons life!

Wishing you all the best hun x x

To be honest it's difficult with his mum she is a bit of an idiot and very selfish wen at her house my stepson is pretty much left to it I've been tryin for years to get my oh to push for full custody cos things are stable at our house his son prefers bein at our house
Don't get me wrong he is a good kid ur typical teenage boy huffy at times doesn't want to spend time with us which is all normal and he mayb has the sense not to bunk smoke or drink but I'm jst worried incase he will be easily influenced by her or maybe sees the fun she has drinkin and wants to try it!!
We speak to him like he is a mature kid we tell him over and over he can tell us anythin but he is also very quiet unless around his mates no joke gettin a conversation is like gettin blood from a stone but that's jst the way he has always been even his birthday it took me a month of constant askin showing him things to find out what he actually wanted us to buy him lol his answer for everything is I don't kno again typical teenager can't be bothered thinking lol
I really don't kno, when we heard we jst asked wen they started goin out it's only been a few days then we asked why did he want to go out with someone who smoked and he said don't kno I told him he cud tell us the reason he wasn't gettin trouble we jst wanted to make sure he cud chat to us bout that but again he clamps up even wen I said is it cos she is pretty and he jst says I don't kno
He also knows if there is something he wants to tell us but is a bit scared of tellin his dad then he can tell me and I'll speak to his dad
I really hope he has the sense not to be influenced by her and that we r worryin for nothin
Thanks ladies

well me and oh discussed this tonight he pretty much said he was gonna speak to his ex and ask her to speak to his son i told him this prob not best cos firstly her answer wud be why does she have to do it! oh said he didnt know what to think bout it but didnt want him goin out with her
i told him id been thinkin bout this all week and i thought it wud be best to tell him we didnt mind him goin out with her at all and it was his decision but if we were to catch him smoking, bunkin or drinkin then the consequences wud be severe and to make it clear we were trusting him to do the right thing but we wud know if he wasnt, my oh agreed, we also said that it was time for the sex talk and mayb we shud put evan in bedroom with him for a couple of hours put him of kids for life haha (that bit was a joke)
well turns out his ex phones him tonight anyway to pretty much ask if she can punt son on us for whole nxt week she stayin with boyfriend! (again great mum) and she mentions he said he had new gf so oh explains who gf is and how much trouble she in well his ex jst says well what u want me to do its nothing to do with me who he goes out with (the answer i expected) and she says what u think he gonna get up to and oh says well he will not be happy if he thinks his 13 yr old is drinking smoking or bunking and he says plus he worried incase things get sexual cos she very mature for age and lets face it they are gettin older, and all his ex said was well im not to worried i told him all about STDs and told him if u get one u have to get a cotton bud shoved up ur foreskin and its very sore! (she clearly has experience of boyfriends with STDs)
i told oh i thought that was inappropriate and he shud speak to his son aswell rather than bloody scare him or embarass him! so we will see how that goes but for now i think we r jst gonna have to trust him but keep our eyes open

Wow your oh's ex sounds delightful