OK so I have a step daughter, things are very strained (to put it politely) between my hubby and her mum. It was a one night stand and they absolutely hate each other. Anyway, Tia is now 12 me and hubby have been together since before she was born and because her mum didn't like me she didn't let Simon see her til she was 6, she doesn't call him Dad and we only see her for a few hours a week. Well we told her we were having another baby and she seemed really excited, looking at baby pics of Libby etc. Well this morning Simon got a message from her mum saying that Ta has been in tears and is a complete mess because of the way we are treating her We have always let her be involved, we told her first before anyone else that I was pg, and apparantly Simon 'is putting his other kid first'. Now Simon is at work trying to get his job done when these pathetic messages are coming through, he's fighting back the tears because he doesn't know what more he can do I think that Tia is now playing on it and is attention seeking because of the new baby coming, but what can we do? I've always got on with her and I think she's a lovely girl but she's obviously lying to her mum saying nasty things about us, how can we get past this? ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xx

Do you think that she is saying nasty things, or do you think that maybe her mum is putting things in her head?

It sounds very odd that she was excited and now isnt after going home.

It seems like you are in a really difficult position to be honest, and I really have no idea how to handle a 12 year old, especially when it could well be her mum doing all of this, not her.

x

i agree, it maybe sounds like her mum is putting things in her head, tbh she sounds like a selfish person anyway, havent really got any advice, hope it all works out xx

I also have no idea other than it sounds like very petulant behaviour (from the mother! And the daughter if indeed she is actually upset and not putting on the water works for a new bike...) and is to be ignored! If you reward it now by trying to justify yourself, explain yourselves and detail all the inns and outs of how you have actually 'treated' her - then I can only see it being a slippery slope... you should not be made to feel you have to defend yourselves or justify your actions.

Also, ahem, what about Libby?! Was she the same then? Or is it just "conveniently" only second babies she takes offence to?!

I would, given the same situation, try to stay as calm and detached and possible and reply (later - don't let her think she has him dangling on a string and can pester at work) words to the effect of 'oh that's a shame, and certainly the first we were aware of it. We don't like to think of her feeling upset - we are happy to sit down with her and talk it through next time we see her".

Even then, I would stick to the "I'm sorry YOU FEEL like that" "I'm sorry IF YOU've taken it that way" "Well done for telling us about this now so we can sort it out before baby comes" - "It's lovely that you and Libby will both be big sisters yaddah yaddah" basically none-committal, sugar-coated, putting the onus on your step daughter as well as (innocently) putting her on the spot to talk to you face to face instead of chinese whispers through her mum.

Hope this helps, I may have got a little seething on your behalf there... xx

I agree with Laura Hun sounds to me like her mum may be puttin things in her head! I kno how u feel I have a 12 year old step son aswell and he is fine but his mum is jst unreal and hates my oh and thinks he is owe her the world! She always used to bitch bout us to there son if u ever need to chat give me a shout

Thanks ladies, her mum is very immature so may be fuelling, but Tia has also put on facebook that she hates her dad (funny how she cant call him that to his face though) because he puts his other kids first (baring in mind he only has Tia and Libby ) I am shocked and very hurt that it has come to this, it may sound selfish but I don't want my child(ren) brought up in this shit, it isn't fair, however I do also feel very sorry for Tia.

Jaffle, don't worry I too was absolutely seething! Tia was absoluetly great when Libby was born and she absolutely loves her, it's just so strange. Simon has asked her mum if he can see her for an hour later to sort it all out, no response yet though. I will take your advice on board, thank you very much.

Michelle, thank you, if it carries on I might just take you up on that.

xxxxxxx

Im in exactly same situation as you.. my ex has 2 older kids, 16 & 14... and Adam has only seen them once...

his ex tells everyone im a family wrecker, they had been apart 6 months befor i got with him

she tells the kids that he would rather look after a kid that isnt his i.e my daughter Paris... then bring them up, she says i only had Adam to trap him and thats the only reason he is still with me, she has sent me a number of messages, iv had to block her from facebook

she is a nasty piece of work.. the one time there daughter came round we found her looking thru our stuff, i was so angry, it was obviously to go back and tell her mum what we have got

i wish i could give you some good advice, but im in need of some myself x

Sounds like the mum is putting that into her head Hun, my sister is 12, my parents have seperated and she listens to adult conversations and picks bits up, she says what she thinks the other parent wants to hear.

I don't mean to pry and feel free to ignore but is the reason you have her so little down to the mum? My oh's ex is a knob and we only get his son once every two weeks for one day.
Do you think she would let you see her more often so she didn't feel left out?

Hmmm tough one. Im sure you and OH do everything you can to include tia, and its NOT your or OH's fault that tia didnt get to bond with you's when she was young - thats the mums fault and she cant blame you if the relationship is strained now.

However to stick up for Tia she must be feeling very jealous at the moment. Libby has what she didnt have, a mummy and daddy that are together and Libby is getting a full brother/sister. Tia will never have that. Does her mum have any other children? Im an only child and I can remember being very jealous when I was younger of other kids that did and wishing my mum and dad hadnt split so I could have had a sibling. Tia is probably not mature enough to see the positives eg she does have a sister (libby) and she will be getting another sibling and if she made an effort she would be included. She probably is using this as a way to get attention/sympathy from her mum too. She maybe doesnt even realise her mum is repeating all this to your OH.

I would suggest being open with Tia and asking her if this is how she is feeling. I could be completly off the mark but it may surprise you and OH that she is taking it quite badly for reasons that are beyond anyone's control. I think her mum needs to play a big part here in talking to her about how loved she is and not put all the pressure on you and your OH to make Tia feel happier.

Really hope it works out. xxx

Kell, it would probably help if we saw Tia more, we would love to but it's always been around 4 hours one day a week (recently it's been from 4pm til 8pm so we can't do anything as a family) Simon has asked her if we can have her for longer this saturday and we are all going out for a day out somewhere fun, fingers crossed that will make Tia feel a bit better.

Snoopy, I think you've hit the nail on the head. When I said I felt sorry for her it was for the reason that she hasn't got the nice stable mummy/daddy family, me and Simon have both had that and I feel awful for her that her mum and dad hate each other, it isn't her fault and she does know she was the product of a night stand (which I DO NOT agree with, she shouldn't know that) which also must be very hard for her to deal with. As for her mum helping in trying to make Tia feel better, well that would be great but very unlikely, TBH I think she's loving every moment of this. No Tia's mum doesn't have any other children and I really can't see that she will, when Tia was young she was always fobbed off to people. She must be so messed up bless her, I just wish I would make it better for her.

Thank you so much ladies, it's great having somewhere to vent, just a shame simon hasn't, he can't get it out of his head. xxxx

I have to say Susan that Tia ia a very lucky little girl to have you for a stepmum. It's so nice to hear how concerned you are for her and her feelings even though her own mother doesn't seem quite as concerned.

It's so difficult having to deal with arse hole ex's!
You shouldn't have to ask permission for a couple of extra hours with his daughter! I hate it when women use the children against the men, can't she see that the person she hurts the most is Tia by doing this!

And tbh it sounds as though all Tia really wants is a bit of stability! Has the subject of more contact been brought up with the ex?

If she's anything like the one I have to put up with everything is on her terms and nothing will ever be changed even if it does benefit her child!

Grrr sorry went off on my own little rant there lol

I really hope you and your oh can put Tia's mind at ease about everything!

Thank you Lisa.

Kell, I know it's always been that we get told when we can have Tia the day before so it's difficult to make plans. If we want her for longer it's like we're asking for the world.

Well we'll just have to see what happens on Saturday, Simon is going to mention it but only about the status on Facebook, I've told him if she's genuinely upset at least she can confide in her mum, if she knows her mum has been telling him then she might be reluctant to.

Thank you again ladies, I'll let you know how it all goes. xxxxx

Hope it goes ok hun xx
i agree with lisaG its great how concerned you are about tia some dont care xx
Defo sounds like her mum is doing it as she was happy with it at first xx

Oh dear hun I can totally sympathise with you. We have had 'issues' with OH's daughter on and off throughout both my pgs and even now the babies are here and she is nearly 18 Just last week we had a screaming hissy fit which turned out to be because we are decorating the 'spare' room (where she sleeps when she comes over) for Hannah to move into. Apparently we should have bankrupt ourselves to buy a 4 bed so she could have her own room to use once a fortnight

OHs daughter is fabulous with her brother and sister and there have been times where I couldn't have done it without her help tbh but she still has a few insecurities underlying that pop up now and then.

My only advice is to ignore it hun. I know it sounds harsh and it's hard if you're being told she is upset etc but tbh we have always found that even trying to discuss gets us nowhere. Just continue to keep her informed/involved as much as you can and if thats still not good enough then tough. You don't need the permission of a 12 year old to extend your family and neither do you have to justify your actions to her. Like most 12 year olds (and 17 year old ) she will move on pretty quickly and find something else to whinge about. Oooh I can't wait for my two to become adolescents/teenagers

xx