LOL

Hehe these are silly xx

Lady pregnant with triplets gets shot in the stomach 3 times, they manage to save her and all 3 babies (2 daughters and a son)

15 years later one of her daughters comes in, 'Mum i have a real bad stomach and i just shit a bullet!' 'Dont worry, im sure you'll be fine.' says the mum

second daughter comes in 'Mum i have a real bad stomach and i just shit a bullet!' 'Dont worry, im sure you'll be fine'

Son comes in 'Mummmm!' 'Dont tell me you have shit a bullet?' 'No, i had a wank and shot the cat!'

Leanne that is well funny xxx
: note to self: Do NOT drink whilst reading the joke section

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live


The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.
Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!’

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.
The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."

LOL!

Two monkeys sat in bath, one goes ooh ooh aggh aggh, other one say put some cold in!



Smartie and rollo having a drink in a pub.

Smartie says to rollo shall we go to nightclub. Rollo says no am too soft i will get beat up, am only cocolate and caramel, you got a sugar coated shell so your hard.

After a while rollo agrees to nightclub. They dance with some women in club and rollo says to smartie, keep these chicks hot am going to the toilet.

Rollo is having a pee when a tune walks in. Tunes says to rollo, you looking at me, rollo say no mate just having a pee. Tune says yes you was, and beats him up.

Rollo staggers out of toilets, all his caramel bursting out of seems, stumbles up to smartie

Rollo: thought you were gonna look after me.
Smartie: jesus whats happened to you.
Rollo: that tune beat me up.
Smartie: am not messing with tunes mate, the *$%£ menthol!!!



Went to the doctors today and told him i could hear voices coming from my pants. The doctor says ignore them, theyre just talking bollox!



I have just had a beaver curry, its like a normal curry but a little otter!


Man finds wife packing and asks her where shes going.
I am moving to London she says, i hear prostitutes get paid £400 for doing what i do for free.
Husband starts packing too and wife asks where he is going.
To see how your going to live on £800 a year, he replies.

SICKPEDIA JOKES - WARNING, NOT TO EVERY ONES TASTE

I've always hated my younger brother, I'm five years older than him.
When he was 3 months old my mother caught me trying to drown him in the bath...

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" she screamed, slapping me away and rescuing the baby.

Thinking quick I replied "He's getting Baptised at his Christening next week, we were just practising."

Im not saying my sisters easy but shes had the clap so often the STD clinic call it the applause!

What's it called when a fat, ugly girl takes a picture of herself from some special angle that makes her look less ugly?

Facebook

Every time Im forced to go down on the missus, I always have the same thought:

Bushtucker Trial.

Jeremy Kyle is starting to do sexual health test results on his show.

Imagine that! "The STI test results show........

....... you ARE a dirty *^$%."

I watched intently as the 'other' woman slowly peeled off my girlfriend's panties, and stared closely as she delicately inserted her fingers into my girlfriends pussy. Naturally, I undid my trousers and started wanking.
Midwives eh!.. Got no *$%£ sense of humour at all!.

an innocent Irish girl says "my hands are freezin" her mum replies "put them between your legs, that'll warm em up" next day she's with her boyfriend he says "my hands are freezing" so she says "put em between my legs it'll warm em up" then he says "my penis is frozen" later the girl asks her mum " have you ever heard of a penis?"mum says yes why?" daughter replies, "don't they make a *$%£ mess when they defrost"

^^ LOL pretty sick, but good x

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Madonna

Madonna who???

Ma Donna kebab tastes like crap I want a new one!

OH came home from work with this one

So a woman was about to commit suicide off a bridge , but a trucker saw her and said Trucker : Hey what are you doing ?
Girl : Committing suicide
Trucker: Well , give me a BJ. - So she does-
Trucker : Thats a wasted talent . Why do you wanna commit suicide?
Girl : Because my parents dont like me dressing up like a girl.