Any one heard from her or seen her on here?? . I know she posted about their holiday and the scan but she's disappeared

Shes floating around here and there. She's ok..will be back soon! xxx

I was just wondering where she was
xx

thanks Jen - just wondering if she was ok. Plus im missing her smirching and smut

Ya..it's not the same without her. Think she just needed a few more days to herself. Pretty sure she's missing everyone too! xxx

Hey guys
Im alive. Just needed a few days to myself, few things in my head. Im ok, miss you all
Love Mario xxx

You ok dude??? xx

Yay we miss you

Ah look what the cat dragged in Glad you're ok < < < < < too mushy, i know, < < < < there you go, ive checked you're still with us x

Hum hum hum

I've been to-ing and fro-ing since last night about whether to post this post because i don't want to upset any of the ladies on here who have been having a hard time recently but ive decided to cause i'd like to be honest with you all about why i needed a time out. So i'd like to post this with apologies to Dilly and Kelly

I dont know how many of you know as it was just prior to BANDA being set up so I was posting about it on AB but though im 14 weeks preg ive not had a period for 19 weeks. Prior to getting preg with beanie I got preg with a little eggy. Got positive pregnancy tests then faint pos but my blood was negative though urine tests were still showing up pos including a clearblue which to be fair you cant f*ck up. The tests then became negative over course of about a week so gp sent me for more bloods and they came up negative. She said she felt id had an ectopic which my body had actually reabsorbed before it got large enough to cause a problem, id not heard of this happening but apparently it can and that was why id had the disparity between blood and urine testing. Either way little eggy didnt quite make it to 5 weeks before he gave up. Thing was i never bled and i got only a little bit of crampy abdo pain a bit like period cramps and then found i was ovulating again and the result this time round was little bean who is now nicely settled in and cooking.

Im a fairly practical person who deals with bereavement on a regular basis and told myself it was meant to be and obviously little eggy wasnt well hence why he'd given up. Whilst scientifically this is true doesnt feel like much comfort.

So I kinda decided i was fine with it all and little bean came along so quick I didnt have much time to dwell on it. My family and friends are all quite pragmatic people too so I never really discussed it with people as my mums a bit old fashioned sometimes and kinda said Oh well and all my mates are nurses who would kind of be of the opionion prior to 5 weeks we see so many losses its not meant to be if it goes at that stage. They aren't unkind people just ... i dunno how to put it. So the gist is i never really talked to anyone about it even Neil except to say yes we are sad and disappointed but lets move on. TBH aside from Neil and my parents only 1 other person really knew id even been preg and lost it and then of course got caught up in little bean.

But reading the posts this week got me to thinking about it all, about little eggy and what kind of baby they might have been and about my own reaction. Id decided i was ok but then every thread i was reading was dissolving me into tears. Kinda figured maybe i wasnt ok with it all. Hence the disappearing act. I needed a few days away from reading anything to clear my head a bit as I wasnt coping with it and the feelings it was bringing up in me. Thought a lot about little egg. Luckily I know a lovely person in Canada who is one of the most honest kind hearted ppl i know and for a hairy arsed rabbit botherer has been a true friend and listened to my whining over last few days and then alerted me to the search and rescue thread which made me pop in and see you all.

About same time developed a corking headache it took nearly 36 hours to shift and my bp went up which freaked me out a bit but i think it might have been me stressing myself out. Either way headaches gone now and bp came back down which is a relief.

Anyways im back online now and once again Kel and Dilly im sorry if this thread upset you as that was what worried e. Plus I didnt want to take away from what yo guys have been going through by posting. But I wanted to explain and have a chat to the girls who keep me sane about why i'd gone awol - thats the reason i needed a time out and disappeared. Apologies for the slightly mushy ass thread, normal service to be resumed from now on. xxx

awww hun i really understand where you are coming from, its perfectly natural that this was gonna catch up with you. you're grieving in a way. also because you didnt tell your family it must've been a weighty secret to carry around and hence you couldnt show your true feelings and supressed it all. something happened to me years ago and my bean was taken away at 16 weeks. That was 7 years ago and i dont ever think about it (hard maybe) but if i started to think about the "what ifs" i would end up in an assylum. Things happen for a reason, even though that reason doesnt become obvious straight away if ever. im too hard sometimes, i can easily file an event away in my head, lock it up and carry on as if it never happened.time will tell if it spills out. i know in reality that its not cathartic to do that. sorry ive dribbled on there. What im saying is that the best way for you to get closure is to hit it head on like you are doing now. just remember we are always here for you to spill it out and have a rant

Aw Mario, I just hope you're feeling better now hun.

It's so nice to see you're back though, I've missed you on here. xxx

Aww Mario it's totally understandable that you needed a bit of head space. You've had to go through a lot of emotions recently and sometimes you just need a little time to actually feel them. I know exactly what you mean about people not being unkind, but almost a little blase (need the little accent on the e but don't know how to get it!) if that is the right word. Glad to see you back posting (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) xxx

Mario, glad you're back and that that you're ok. Like the others have said it's perfectly normal. I totally understand what you've been going through. xxx

Awww..Mario! So glad you are back! Btw..you made me cry with your post! Love ya tonnes and sending you my jiz slippers! xxx

Aww Mario hun. That's totally understandable. I take quite a few breaks so I can collect my thoughts. Funnily enough, the same Canadian Angle helps me through the difficult times too. (God bless you Jen)

Not too sure what you are going to do with Jen's jiz slippers though, more worried about who's 'jiz' it is.....!!!

No, in all seriousness Mario, we are all here for you, if and when you need us.

Loadsa love your way x x x

Mario, there is no need to apologise.

You've obviously not had time to grieve and if talking about bean helps then do so. you;ve not taken anything away from me and i'm sure Dilly will say the same.

I'm always here for a chat here on BANDA and on FB (i missed you earlier).

I've been able to deal with my miscarriage in my eyes fairly quickly though, when you do sit down and think about it properly like you have done it does hurt.

I hope your ok hun and again there is no need to apologise

love to you xx

Glad your back, it's understandable that it would get to you especially with pregnancy hormones flying around x

Heya hun

There is no need to apologise, we often think about what our angels would've been like looking at Drew, it is perfectly normal.

We are all here for you and each other :0)

Lisa G if you press the Alt Gr button and the letter you want then you get your é

Sending you our love and hugz xxxxxx

Ahhh Mario - nothing else I can add.....but sending you some huggles

xx

Glad your back Mario, sorry you've had a tough time, you shouldn't feel bad for grieving hun. Hope you feel ok xx