I knew as soon as I got with OH that I was going to earn more £ than him. I had just finished my SW degree and he was working 30hrs a week in a shop (I was working 40hrs in retail & looking for SW post). He has 2-3 GCSE's at grade B and the rest D/E's. He has epilepsy so cant do any job that involves driving, lone working, ladders, heavy machinery etc. When we met I was content with this. I loved him and thats all that mattered. I wasnt a gold digger & had been brought up by a single mum who taught me to provide for yourself in this life & rely on no man for all your security.
When I got with OH my mum and a few friends did question me as to whether I would be happy with OH in the future regards no financial stability & the fact that childcare etc would always be down to me. Again I loved him thats all that mattered!

When PG my OH's epilepsy was really bad. He ended up reducing his hours to 18.5hrs a week. He says he was forced to change his contact as his employers were threatening to sack him due to not fulfiling his contracted hrs. I didnt mind too much at the time but my mum couldnt believe he was reducing his hrs when I was the one PG, sick and being on my feet 40hrs a week. 18mths later he still only does 18.5hrs a week and even though his epilepsy is stable-ish (1-2 seizures a month), in this economic climate there is no way they will up his contract again. I quit my retail post at the end of my maternity leave in march. Was unemployed until July when I took on 20hrs a week voluntary work (for experience & to earn my IS), this ended last week and I have applied for a full time night supervisor post in a secure childrens home. Its band 4 (Im qualified for band 5/6 but need to start somewere), its 19k a year (compared to IS is a fortune, and ave wage NI).

Im only now starting to get a bit peeved. Im willing to work nights, put Caitlin in nursery during the day so I can sleep, work below my peers at uni, drive an hr each way to this job..... and he has never once mentioned going to college/getting a 2nd part time job. I want Caitlin to have nice things once in a while and not worry about bills constantly.

I understand his epilepsy holds him back. I understand I knew all this when I met him, but that doesnt stop me questioning whether he has became a lazy git who is used to relying on others be it me or his mum. In ways he is quite deluded as when I tried to talk to him about this last night he is said in a few years when is epilepsy is better he would apply for supervisor posts in retail & work his way up to manager. (He has 2 GCSE's, and is only supervisor experience was 10yrs ago in local clothes shop on a Saturday that has now closed). How can I burst his bubble that he has no qualifications and a job isnt going to fall out of the sky? He also says he likes seeing Caitlin in the afternoons after work... Im sorry but most men would love that but they also have a sense of pride and want to provide for their famillies.

Sorry for the moan. I just feel its me that has to earn the money, do/organise childcare, pay the bills (he 'cant' do that type of thing, he will give me cash towards them but doesnt understand DD or how to pay them )Urgh... He is a lovely guy. I just wish he earned 20k and made me feel secure in that sense...

What do you guys think about my situation, or about stay at home dads in general. Would you have got involved with someone who didnt have great prospects?

I dont really have a lot to offer here hun as I am less experienced than some of the people that come on here, but in answer to your last question and I dont want to sound awful here......aren't you meant to be content and happy with the person you love for who they are and not for what job they do or how much money they earn?? xx

god sounds all too familuar!!!!

before I gave up work I earnt twice the amount of my OH. we're two very very differnt people! Im quite tertermined when I get an idea or want to do well. he's so laid back and expect things to come to him or 'we'l get by' attitude.

I was the same when met OH had the whole talk from my parents, are you sure you want to be with him, never going to have the nice house/ (or even own our own house for that matter!) and be finacialy stable. I also said no no I love him and want to be with him..... but god it puts a strain on our relationship!

I went to school, 6th form, uni got a degree... where as he dropped out of school so doesnt have a qualification to his name! in his job now he only really got because his dad was high up. but he just turns up does what he has to do and come home. no extra hours thinking more £££s just does what he wants to do really. if he'd have the choice dont think he'd even go to work so dam lazy (but his mum is exactly the same, shes sat on her ass all her life and got everything paid for her so he sort of thinks thats the life, where as iv worked all my life)

iv now given up work to be at home with lillie, was sort of my choice to. do think I shouldnt have as we're struggling soo much now with no wages from me. but I just think only live once and I dont want to miss these days with her. Il go back to full time work now once both kids in school, Im quite looking forward to it, im not being lazy or work shy. I just see life in a total different way after loosing so many close people.

Going on now... but basicaly I understand where your comming from. its hard and dont know what the answer is. x x

hun, i was a single mom for years before i met russ 4 years ago, we both work and now we pg we both talking about giving up work and being sahp. i know russ would be better at this than me, i'm a better mom when i have a break away.

we looking at which would be the better option, but i also know russ would do the housework, the cooking etc although he need to learn to iron lol

hun i'm a social worker have been for years and i have to say with the stresses of the job if you go in public sector then you will need someone at home who is going to understand and be there to support you. i know without russ i wouldnt be in my job i'd have left for private sector along time ago.

good luck with the course and i hope homelife works it way out for you

Siobhan you dont sound awful. I like hearing everyones thoughts, negative/positive/in the middle...

I do love him & I am content with him (most of the time, I do just get I wonder what if moments, I thought most people did). Its just when I read on forums about ppls OHs working away & earning 45k + or I look at my friends who have mortgages/holidays/even simple things like a partner who can drive... I sometimes think of what life could be like if there was anyway he could better himself..... And then I feel mean for thinking like that.....

Emplus2 its nice to hear im not alone. My OH gets DLA and disability TC. He says this makes him up to a full time wage anyway. Iv tried explaining that this makes his wage up to a full time minimum wage eg 10k and that an ave wage is 20k. He refuses to believe me and says I compare myself to the wrong people eg ones with degree's and trades. He thinks most people dont have 'fancy jobs' and he is doing all right.

I think my problem is I can be quite a jealous person. I'l hold my hands up to the fact its not one of my best traits. I love him, its just when I see what friends have gained through their partner I think... why not us? I worked hard at school & uni too....

I sound like a right biatch now

Just saw clares reply- thanks clare. Yes the job is in the trust (council). Probably very stressful because of them being kids that cant be placed anywere else. He is great at listening to my woes, is caring & loving etc. Its just the practicalities of £, chilcare, and not driving that get me down occassionally. x

Its quite difficult to judge because I dont know him and when we write these posts we can come across quite negative and not necessarily how we truly feel.

When I met my OH he was a right bum, living at home with his parents, no car, spent all of his cash on nights out (im sure you are all following me here, lol). He works at a large building society and used to go to work in shorts and flipflops!

Since getting together he has had promotions at work and now wouldn't dream of going to work in anything but a suit. I think I must have blinked and the next thing I knew he took over all of our direct debits and I realise that I do bugger all anymore!

I was attracted to him when we met, but I didnt think he made husband material (I know, im mean, but honest), but he proved me wrong and is actually an awesome husband and awesome daddy

Anyway, my point is, if he was going to go out and do better things, I think he would have done it by now, especially as you have a child. I would have thought that would have made him more determined to take those steps.

I wouldnt expect my OH to pay for everything, but at the same time, I must say that I do respect him more as a person now that he makes the effort to better himself.

x

I agree Laura, Caitlin should have been his push. The only hard thing is his epilepsy. I dont know if im being mean saying that he should work more hrs in a 2nd retail job and risk having more seizures? Would they employ him with his ill health record? Is he capable of completing a college course when he could be off ill?
What other jobs can he do that dont involve driving/machinery?

Im now starting to stick up for him lol! God if im this confuddled I dont know how I expect you guys to help

What does his GP say about the epilepsy? Do you think he is hiding behind it as an excuse not to get a job with more hours, or is he being genuine?

He says in a couple of years he will do a course, etc. but what does he see will have changed with it in a couple of years?

Maybe he could look at doing a college course at home?

He could well have lost his confidence with everything he has gone through with the epilepsy, loss of hours, etc. and maybe he needs a bit of a boost?

x

You are probably right about his confidence. A few months before I got PG he was very depressed. He had to go to England for a week and stay in an epilepsy centre. End result was his epilepsy is inoperable as is widespread and that meds being adjusted is only treatment plan. He currently takes 21 tablets a day and even then seizes occassionally. His confidence was boosted when Caitlin was born, he had achieved something positive, he felt he had a future and did perk up a lot, but didnt actually do anything concrete to further his enthusiasm/happiness...

I think in the future he thinks that they will find the right combo for his meds, or new drugs will be brought out with less side effects. His meds can make him quite tired/memory problems which is another reason he reluctant to work full time. The GP is supportive of this, hence him receiving DLA and I can see how drowsy he gets after meds and how being tired leads to seizures.

Home study is a good idea. Thats something I hadnt considered suggesting - thanks!

I love how talking to others helps me see other angles. I dont think I could be so honest with my mum or mates about all this through fear of 'I told you so'.

When Dan and I met he was still qualifying and so was on rubbish pay and I was on ok money...as soon as he qualified though he was earning the same as me , and then it just kept going up. Now he is self employed he earns even more, no way I could earn that much.

I do think its important in our relationship that he earns more, simply because he is the man if the house and I am the woman of the house in a fairly traditional way, as in I do the housework - if he didnt work and I did (I do btw just an example) I don't know if the roles would reverse very easily!

maybe your OH just needs to find something he's interested in, its easy to become stuck in a rut when you're home all day.

my oh doesnt work, he looks after evan and i work!!! the reason purely for this was he worked out of town so he was away from 6.30 in the morning and didnt get home til 6.30 at night he wasnt at all happy and was missin out on loads of things evan was doin - first smile, rolling over, etc etc and it was gettin him down and he was being a grump to live with (nothing changed there lol) we cudnt do anything cos he was shattered on his day off at christmas he had to work 6am to 8/9 pm at night the whole wk before he missed my 20wk scan cos it was xmas even and he didnt get home til 10pm at night - ok im ramblin but u get my point how shit his job was! he was a manager of a butcher shop and on decent money
anyway wen we worked out cost of childcare/nursery it looked like i wud have to cut my hours which wasnt a prob but cos of the cost of childcare i wud have been working purely to pay for someone else to look after evan i wud have had no money left off my wage
so we decided what was point in working jst to pay for someone else to look after evan wen one of us cud look after him and it made sense for it to be him cos his job had him away so much and he was miserable where as i work 10 min down the road
but the main reason i wanted it to be me that stayed in work was incase we ever split up i want to know i have the money to and if i had to get a job that paid more it wud be easier if i already had a job and kept gaining experience
also my oh is a profesional poker player he gets sponsered to play so he can make money at home from playin poker
since he left there hasnt been many months he hasnt made money maybe only 2 and to be honest at that time i kinda thought it was unfair that i was paying for everything and thought why shud i be skint wen im earning a decent enough wage so i def know how u feel although ur situation is diff to mine
my oh also helps with the housework since he is at home

i really cant offer much advise except what ur feeling i wud say is natural course ur gonna be pissed off that ur the only one trying to make ur future financially secure, ur oh maybe needs a gentle kick up the bum but im not sure what wud be ur best way to go aboout it

I think he should be applauded for working at all tbh, he could quite easily live on DLA and sit on his arse he is trying. I can understand you getting jealous when you see what your friends have go, maybe thats the problem, you are comparing him to people with no health problems.

Thanks everyone for sharing. Its interesting reading how other people manage work & child care between eachother.

Olliesmammy - Thank you for saying that. It means a lot that some one thinks like that. He does get DLA too though. I worry sometimes that others think he shouldnt be claiming it, especially as he does work part time but it does make a difference to his life and in ways he is 'earning it' through also being a tax payer if that makes sense.....

I think half my problem in life is worrying about what others think. And I should maybe cut him some slack.... but it still doesnt stop me thinking about what could be if he had a good wage....

In our grandparents day this would never have been an issue lol! x

Actually hang on... does he even pay tax if he working so little? Probably not... oops!

I think the thing you have to question though aswell hun, is just because your friends have nice things etc. are they any happier?? xx

Good point Siobhan. A close friend has the big house/mortgage/jeep/holidays and is constantly stressed about money and how little family time they get...

Can I say in his defense, if he applied himself he could get a very well paid job, coming from school with ONLY 2 gcse's you sound like you're looking down your nose at him.....
My brother left school with NO yep thats right NO qualifications - he was diagnosed dyslexic at 18 YEARS old.... he is now 40 - qualified around 3 years ago as a Plumber and earns in the region of £70k......... myself and my sister came out of school with 8 gcse's and she got pregnant and I worked in retail...top wage prior to maternity was 22k !!

You fell in love with this man - not his pay packet, or ability to work....

I totally understand your frustation with your current situation, perhaps look for jobs he is able to do which are more hours/money. A friend of mine, her and her oh worked p/t on opposite shifts to bring their children up and keep their house. I worked full time when I had my 1st to get and keep my own house.. i am only now after 3 children able to stay at home.

Emma'n'hayden I am not looking down my nose at him. I am being realistic. He cant study for a trade due to health and safety reasons eg working with tools, confined spaces, ladders, usually need to drive from job to job etc... I may be wrong and would certainly encourage him to look into things like this if I am. I fully understand you dont need A-levels and a degree to succeed in the work place.

I was just pointing out that with basically no qualifications, unable to study for a trade and no real chance of promotion in his current job as they constantly hound him about his sick record that it will be very difficult for him to better himself financially. My main point was also whether he was applying himself and considering other options. He hasnt even looked at full time retail jobs, just accepting his hrs being cut. I suppose its his apparent lack of motivation that annoys me but maybe he is just realistic too... I just wish that every so often he would express a desire to work full time instead of thinking we are doing ok.

I have applied for full time work, I understand thats what I have to do to provide a stable future for our child. We cant do the whole opposite shift thing as he cant be left alone with Caitlin for more than 5-10 min and even thats risky. We rely on family and probably a nursery in the future for childcare if I get a full time job.

I did fall in love with him for other reasons, and I still do love him... I just think sometimes it could be easier for me. Guess we all have down days though...

I have to say unfortunately I'm the other way, Simon has always earned more money than me, he's is a postman and I work in insurance, however I left school with more GCSE's than him. At the moment I am earning half of what I was getting when working full time (and probably only a third of what Simon earnes) but we are VERY lucky in the fact that he works in the mornings and I work in the afternoons so we have no chilcare to worry about).

I would also like to say is since earning a lot less I HATE having to rely on Simon to buy groceries etc. we used to share all costs, but now I struggle every single month after my share of the mortgage etc. has gone out. It makes me feel almost useless because I can't buy food for my family etc.

I think what I'm trying to say is maybe your OH is feeling the same? You're not a horrible person for wanting more for your family - I'm sure everyone feels like that, but with his medical problems it must be so difficult for him. xxx

Snoopy I don't think anything you've written is unreasonable at all. It's got to be really hard in your situation. As you say it's not as if you can even leave Caitlin with him so you have no option but to try for full time work. I know how I'd be feeling if I was having to work full time Do you feel asthough he's just kicking back a bit and taking life a bit too easy? Obviously his hours reduced for all the right reasons but I can see why your feeling frustrated that he doesn't seem to even want to do anything about it. Like you say it'd be the perfect opportunity for him to study, even if it's for the GCSE's he missed out on. I'm not saying that he should "better himself" but I think it's a crime when people waste opportunities and stop learning and developing. I'm sure doing a Maths GCSE for example could open a few doors and not effect his epilepsy in a negative way as it wouldn't be putting him under too much stress. Plus once he feels as though he has achieved something he may be motivated to try new things and gain back a little ambition and drive.

A friend of mine had Cancer and was obviously unable to work during his treatment. During the times he felt able to he set up an ebay business and made quite a sucess of it. He was able to put that money away and save for a deposit on a house.

Basically if you want something enough then you find a way, no matter what obstacles stand in your way.

Sorry if I'm wide of the mark xxx

Your probably right susan, when I try and talk about it you can see the defense shutters coming up. I suppose what makes me sound silly is the fact at the moment he is earning more than me to be fair. Im unemployed but know (positive thinking!) that in the next few months this is going to change, I have the qualifications, a bit of experience and am applying for whatever comes up... basically im motivated to move on.

Maybe his attitude will change when he see's me working full time nights and looking after Caitlin as much as I can. At the minute he maybe thinks Im rich to complain when Im sitting at home this last week since my job placement ended.

Your point is valid too about someone feeling useless. I dont feel useless at the minute, but maybe when I am earning I will naturally feel more secure about our family's future. But I suppose it could have the opposite effect on him.. I just wish he would say it out loud.

Jesus Im talking myself round in circles tonight! Love you girls! x

Just about to read lisaG's reply incase you think im ignoring you hun!

LisaG I think you've hit the nail on the head. I am worried he is just kicking back and thinking 'oh well this is my life then'. I know he could do more if he put his mind to it. A Maths GCSE would be a good start, another idea to hit him with tomorrow . He has his English and Biology. Ebay might work too but that would need to be further down the line because as pathetic as it sounds I dont think he would be motivated enough at the moment to put his heart into it....

I think I need to find a way to encourage him without sounding like im disappointed with him/my life & making him feel worse or like there is no point in trying to please me.

x

Hey hon

Of course you arent being nasty. You are tired, you are working your behind off and looking after a small person while your OH is having a lesser share of the household, rightly or wrongly. Whether he can do more or not you should never feel guilty because at times you feel frustrated you are taking on so much, in some ways you are as much his carer as Caitys because you are always keeping his health uppermost in your mind. I dont blame you for feeling frustrated and down at times esp when you are also struggling for money. I take my bloody hat off to you.

As for your original question maybe he cant do more work maybe he can only the people who know him can decide that but could he not do work from home. He could do some of that home business opportunities stuff. It may not bring in a fortune but would give you both some extra money. Same with home study, he might find something he can do then that earns him extra money and gives him some confidence too. I think he needs to try aand gain some confidence in his own abilities. No he may never be the main breadwinner but i think accepting his lot is counter productive xxx

It's got to be so hard hun as if someone has lost motivation it's not like you can just give them some, as you said it just sounds as though your dissapointed in them or nagging. It's a tough situation. I think you need to keep encouraging and praise any tiny thing he does do in order to build his confidence. Might be a long process but I'm sure he'll get there.