I was catching up on some posts last night and reading Jo's post about her dad touched a nerve with me. I didn't feel I could reply as I it would have been hypoctritical of me to give sympathy as I was in the position 3 years ago where I was the 'other woman' . It has been playing on my mind all night so I thought I would just get it out on here and would appreciate HONEST opinions.

To cut a very long story short, I met Paul at work. We were both in relationships at the time, I had been with my boyf for 6 years and the relationship had kinda run it's course, Paul was married but was having problems of his own. We never really discussed this with one another. To this day I still dont know how we ended up falling in love, we only saw each other for about an hour a day at hand over and on the occasional course, but we just got on really well. Paul is 14 years older than me and had been married for 22 years and had a 14 year old daughter. We never had any contact outside of work other than a text at new year. There was no flirting and never anything sexual, the only physical contact we had was a peck on the cheek to say happy new year. I found myself in a position where I decided I had to leave my boyf and was homeless in a strange town with no friends or family close to my work and Paul helped me (in work time) to search for flats online. In the meantime he decided enough was enough in his marriage and left his wife and moved in with his mum giving himself a 40 mile commute. Anyway we were kinda there for each other and something sparked and we ended up moving in together and it kinda went from there. 3 years later we have 2 kids, a mortgage and a wedding next september and are as in love now as we were back then.

Looking back now we will both admit that we both felt something for each other without realising it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I can put my hand on my heart and say I never had any innapropriate thoughts or intentions towards him, I just fell in love. It's hard for me to understand myself but even harder to explain so I wont even try. I think maybe somewhere deep down I realised I didn't love my ex because of Paul and I think he would say the same. We had both left our exs before anything sexual happened between us but at the end of the day we both left our partners and moved in with each other within 2 weeks . Did we cheat? I don't know tbh? deffinately not in a sexual way but emotionally maybe?

Anyway it has been a bumpy ride but we are a very strong couple and we love each other immensley. We fully intend to spend the rest of our lifes together and have done since day 1. We talked about marriage and babies within weeks of being together and I was pg with Thomas after 3 months. Both of our ex's have moved on and have new partners and both admit it's the best thing that ever happened. So am I a home wrecker? you could argue yes - but it was unintentional - does that make it any better? probably not. confused.com!!

xx

to be honest, he was having problems before you came along and if nothing happened before he left his wife i'd say you did nothing wrong and aren't a home wrecker at all

you can't help who you fall in love with...but it's what you do about it that makes the difference...you both stayed 'just friends' until both relationships finished so i think that you both did the right thing

also i feel that even had you slept together before him splitting you would not be the home wrecker...HE would as he chooses to cheat...same in any situation, it is the cheater being the 'home wrecker' not the person they are cheating with...it bugs me when a couple are found out having an affair and it's the 'other woman/other man' that is blamed for everything, when in fact it is the married person's responsibility/choice to cheat

hope that makes sense...im not good with words! lol

If your a home wrecker hun then so am I.

I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years and I didn't love him anymore and wanted to leave him. My now partner was married and had eben with his wife for 13 years (married for 5) He wanted to leave too but felt sorry for her.

We only got chatting on a festival forum site and very quickly hit it off. We both left our partners and then met each other in real life and after only meeting about 5 times he moved from England to Jersey to be with me!

i don't think we did anything wrong as we were both on the verge of leaving our partners we just needed "kick" to do it.

short answer, no! if you both split up before anything happened you didn't cheat and if the relationships were coming to an end anyway it probably just helped you both realise what you wanted.

i have a sneaking suspicion i was my OH said he'd split from his girlfriend when i started seeing him end of october but i saw her bebo about a month later saying they'd split up in november, oopsy!

Not if it was all finished in your previous relationships before anything happened Debs!
were either of your previous partners threatened by your friendship with paul? i am guessing not hun. my mum has been for a while and asked my dad to stop contact out of work which he hasnt done!

my dad is meeting a woman in laybys!!!!! thats just not right even if they are just friends, friends meet for coffee.

Dont worry, in all fairness i dont just blame her, my dad shouldnt be acting like a tit either!

hugs lovely xxxxxxxxxx

No Debs you are not. You both had decided enough was enough before anything happened between you. I was in a similar position around 12 years ago. My then fiance and me wernt getting on and me and Dale were great friends and I used to tell him my problems and found myself liking him more and more. I finished with my Fiancee as I couldnt see a future with him and within 2 weeks was seeing Dale. Nothing happened between us before then and 2 years later we got married xx

Thanks for the replies ladies it still confuses me tbh.

Jo - it's weird because we have both said that our exs used to comment that we spoke about each other a lot at home long before anything happened. It wasn't intentional but I guess there must have been 'something' there all along which is why now looking back it worries me that I gave off signals etc without meaning to that caused him to leave his wife. I do agree though that the layby thing is just bad and definately cheating.

Pixel - if he told you he had split even though he hadn't then thats not your fault.

Kenty - it makes perfect sense hun. I think the reason the 'other woman' is often blamed is because as women we kind of expect other women to understand and I suppose it is an unwritten rule that we shouldn't do it to one another coz lets face it we are the more inteligent sex men do tend to think in their trousers rather than their heads. I also think now as a mother myself how utterly devestated I would be if it happened to me and it's easier to blame the other woman for luring your man away than blame the man you love.

Jade - I think you are right - it was just a matter of time and it was the kick we both needed to get out.

xx

Yep... you are a total home wrecking ho-bag!

You know im just kidding hunni!

Every situation is different when people split up, so your situation with Paul was totally different to what situation another person finds themself in, like Jo's parents for instance.

You havent just walked into Paul's life, split up a marriage and then walked away... you are there for keeps... with two gorgeous kids!

Paul was having problems in his marriage way before you came along and would have ended up leaving his ex wife at some point anyway.

Besides, you are all happy now, in the relationships you are in, so it has all worked out for the best

and to top it off... we may never have met you if you didnt meet Paul!

x

I did wonder where u got the name hooker frm
im only joking xx


Your defo not a home wrecker lke someone said u cant help who u fall in love with you both ended ur relationships before anything started happening between you. You both were unhappy long before u met eachother by the sounds of it xx

Well the name says it all. HOOKER!!!!

I am joking of course hun.

I echo what the other girls have said. Neithe of you acively encouraged the other to leave your partners or acted on any feeling whilst in a relationship.

xxxxxxx

Oh Debs of course not!!! Who doesn't 'lean' on someone when they are having problems? it could of been a man or woman - you said yourself that you didn't have 'those' feelings before you were both single anyway.

I don't think you cheated hun and I certainly don't think you're a home wrecker!!!

Debs =

pmsl Laura hahahaha

no hun your not!
if you are then i am too!! ian was married but they where having probs for very long time ian was turning into an alcoholic just to handle being with her he turned to drink! she was violent and the relationship was dead long befor i came along!
but he say he go the courage after meeting me to leave her as he said love at first sight!

LMFAO!! Laura - you are sooooo funny!

Hooker/ho bag - it's all the same!

xx

Debs, its Jo on mara's log in.

I dont think you are a ho bag or a hooker hun, and i think they are being a bit mean to you hehe!

You and paul didnt get together until after both relationships were done and over stop worrying!!!

update on me mum and dad, she has thrown him out today, he blames her for the situation apparently!!!

If she didnt do x y and z he wouldnt have done it etc.....
i am not prepared to speak to him until he accepts responsibility for his actions, as everyone has said, cheating is a choice! i remember telling my mum and dad that my ex had blamed me for his cheating and my dad went crazy, now he is doing the same thing!

SO STOP BLOODY WORRYING!!!!!

Debs, I think the ladies have it covered.
In these situations it's not so much what is done but HOW it's done - or at least how it's done makes it worse! The dishonestly, lies, double lives and secrecy etc.

In your case none of this happened, you didn't have an affair, you just happened to meet when other things were happening - but nothing went forward or 'happened' (oo er missus) until those things were over?

You're not 'the other woman' by any means, and as I think I've read before you have a good relationship with the ex (am I making that up - apologies if so!) therefore showing that the past in indeed just that.

It sounds like your lives together were meant to be, it just took you a bit longer to find each other xx

P.S> sorry your mum is going through all that Jo xx

Jo wrote:

SO STOP BLOODY WORRYING!!!!!

Typical bloody man Jo! They never think they are in the wrong do they Your poor mum though hun, that's like sticking the knife in and giving it a little twist in trying to pass the blame to her. He is probably in his own mind feeling guilty and trying to justify his actions by blaming her. No matter what happens he will realise in time that it's his doing and hopefully feel a little remorse over his actions. If a relationship is having difficulties we all know that layby bjs are not the way to solve them! wether they manage to resolve their problems or decide to seperate - i really do wish you and your parents all the best and hope that your mum isnt hurting too much right now hun. I think you are right to keep your distance from him for the time being - if nothing else it will make him realise he is in the wrong and it's your mum that needs your support right now. What a lot of stress for you though hun at a difficult enough time with a new baby around. You do always sound so calm and in control though - what is your secret? I could do with some of what your on right now!

p.s. I am assuming you are with Donna right now and not just hacking her account hun, crikey Mara - with clint hacking your fb and now Jo on your BANDA nothing is sacred

xx

I don't think you are a home wrecker at all Hun not in the circumstances you described!

I do think that being a home wrecker can be more than just physical cheating tho.
I mean I think if people have an emotional relationship, that can be as bad if not worse than sex!
I think a home wrecker is a woman who gets involved emotionally or physically with a man if they know that they are in a relationship and still continue.
Sorry to sound harsh but I don't care if a relationship is going or gone south, it's cheating if both people are not single.
IMHO sorry if I offend ppl but I've been cheated on and it riles me' lol

Rant over haha! x

Debs wrote:

Jo wrote:

SO STOP BLOODY WORRYING!!!!!

p.s. I am assuming you are with Donna right now and not just hacking her account hun, crikey Mara - with clint hacking your fb and now Jo on your BANDA nothing is sacred

xx

Tell me about it!!! Although to be fair i did get something out of it this time, i got Edith

you are not a home wrecker hun it was over and done and dusted before either of you acted where as the woman my dad had an affair with was a home wrecker she knew dad had a wife of 25 years and 2 kids and yet she still set her sights on him but luckily he came to their senses x