Nothing you havent heard before so dont feel you have to reply i just need to get it out to try to make some sense of it. I am even boring myself with it

Some of you may know my parents got back in touch with me in Sept after being estranged since i was pregnant with Sam after a massive fall out. I will write the basic reasons down.
They intefered in my life
they had an obbsession with my oldest treating her as if she were their own,
They never accepted Ben even though he is the most lovely laid back person ever
They ssaid i shouldnt have Sam when i was pregnant
They rang the social services on me out of spite
They got back in touch with my ex (who used to beat me)
They turned my whole family and most of the village where i am from against me
The contested Chel and Toms adoption by Ben that they had previously been totally behind out of spite meaning that it didnt go ahead
They basically made my life hell


Now they have got back in touch with a view to wanting to meet up cause they are so desperate to see the kids (they have never met Sam)
I have chatted to them a few times has have the kids but i feel detached and without feeling for them.
Now my brother has got in touch telling me how they have been falling out for ages and i was right about them and they have problems etc. Now he also wants to meet up. He says his kids are desperate to see mine.

The problem i have with all this is my parents have obviously not changed, my brother didnt wanna know me for years and he has now told me he has resented me all this time cause i was the favourite . I want to tell them you have made my life hell, tried to ruin my relationship with Ben, and disowned me for the last 18 months. But it will just cause more trouble. They are all sorry but i cant help feeling that i am being a mug. I mean 18 months is a long time and
TBH i feel like telling them all to feck off. They seem to think they can just come back into my life say how sorry they are and how wrong they all were and everything will be just fine but i just cant be right. I fell so wronged by and i cant get past it. I dont want to turn bitter but i dont want them in my life. If truth be known i still want to hurt them and make them feel shit. But i have set off letting them talk to the kids and now i feel like i cant stop it cause it wouldnt be fair to the kids.

Phew that went on!!!

I dont want to read and run honey. I can totally understand all the resentment you are feeling but agree you are in a tricky position because the kids would want to see their grandparents. They can be involved with them without having to be involved with you if need me. Same with your brother. The ball is totally in your court hon and dont let anyone pressure you into doing what you dont feel happy doing xxx

The kids will get over it, tbh it sounds like they are better off without them. DO what you think you need to for your family, your a great mum so whatever you do will be in their best interest x

Thanks for replying ckick. The thing is i do not trust them at all and i would never ever let the kids see them without supervision and the only person who could do this would be me. Ben wants nothing to do with it at all. Plus i Know what they are like and it would be arms round kisses and cuddles and tears and that make mes feel physicall sick, i dont want them near me!!

How about you front up with them how you feel then honey. So if you meet em lay some ground rules down.

But if you dont want to see them dont see them. You have a wonderful little family and all you need is them. They need you more than you need them so dont feel you HAVE to do anything xxx

mara i have the same problem with my family and i have cut alotof them out.. everyone says im stubborn and should just let it go and make the peace.. but i always made thepeace and i refuse to this time i for one wouldnt trust them anymore as i have seen the spiteful ness that they are and willalways be and i dont think will never chnage i could never trusyt them again and what i want to say to them will always be on the tip of my toungue waiting to just blurt out!!
i think you are very right to feel how u feel and shoudnt let your guard down
i hope one day that your hurt goes away and they finally actually mean that there soryy x

Aw hun, I didn't want to read and run, I have no advice but just wanted to give you a virtual xxxx

I personally think you should tell them how you feel as if you don't then it's going to drive you nuts! Your family then has the choice to accept it or not! If they don't it's their loss not yours! You have a lovely family and your happiness comes first! From what you have said your parents sound very selfish and controlling and you don't need that!

The kids will understand it all in the future and I am sure that even if they did have contact with them they would soon work out what kind of people they are!!

Xxxx

Hun I really don't know what to advise because I know how fab you are and how you will always do what is best for your kids but only you know what that is. All I would say though is that if it is gonna cause friction between you and Ben or if your parents still cannot accept their grandchildrens father then I would stay away until they grow up a bit. It doesn't matter what (if anything) has gone on in the past - he is their father and they will pick up on any negativity and it may confuse them which isn't fair on them, you or Ben. I'm not saying that they would bad mouth Ben but even the fact that they are never together - the LOs may ask difficult questions. At the end of the day you and Ben are very happily married (from what I can gather) and it's not their place to pass judgement on your choice of partner.

If you have any doubts at all (which I think you must have just from this post) then I would stay away until you can reconcile your differences properly because if anything were to happen again the children will end up getting hurt again and you wont forgive yourself.

You have been put into a very difficult position hunni - through no fault of your own - you have come so far in the last 18 months - I'd hate for you to end up back at square one overnight.



xx

You know what, whatever you decide to do with regards contact with your family will be the right decision. You are a smart cookie who always puts her kids first and I trust you will do whats best. You know your mum and your brother better than us.

No one can blame you for wanting to hurt them like they hurt you. They put your family through a hell of alot and I cant fathom why.

Not much advice hun, sorry. x Everyone on here loves you and is here to listen! x

Oh Mara & & & !!!

Think of it this way, if these were people on the street (so to speak) i.e. no relation; knowing what you know about their personalitites and the repeated things they have done (sounds like an accumilation, rather than one or two big things?) - would you want them in your life? Are they bringing any kind of positive influence to your life? Then think of it in terms of your children, do you want them in their lives?

It sounds from what you're saying that the answer would be no, but don't want to put words in your fingertips! Plus you would ultimately have to live a double life, compromising yourself between your parents and OH, so even just that is a negative in itself.

It's so hard because the concept of forgiveness is all well and good, but there comes a point when you feel like a mug. Of course, people can change and there are things we all do that we hope we can be forgiven for (or have been forgiven for) but when it's over and over again you just think that you're going to have to break the cycle and protect yourself - which it sounds like you are doing.

Urgh. Harder with the children because you end up 'in the middle' - when their older will they ask about grandparents, will they ever hear the words "well, we did try to get in touch / send gifts but weren't allowed"?! Argh!!! It's not the kind of thing you want to do with the proviso of 'we'll see how it goes' though, as that opens you up to more hurt (potentially).

Sorry, I don't think I'm helping any

All I'd say is that there are some things you stop your children and family doing because you've done it yourself and/or learned it already e.g. don't eat liver (bleurgh), don't drink until you're blind (much), don't get involved in fights, yaddah yaddah... you can't stop them 100% but can keep them away and warn against it. Well, this could be put in the same category. You know nothing good can come from it, mum's decision is final and not to be questioned

If it was an easy decision to make and you didn't give this a second thought it would show you as a hard-ass who couldn't give a $h1t. As it is - how you're feeling is a testament to your character; that this is something you struggle with and something that stirs your emotions. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be swayed towards being involved with them again. Then again, things could be different, they could come with tail between legs etc etc.

Hope that makes some kind of sense this too shall pass xx

That's a toughie.
Like some of the other ladies have said maybe you should tell them how you feel and ask them how they would feel if they were in the same situation and would they be so forgiving if they same had been done to them.
If you feel you can not get past this just yet, tell them they will have to wait until YOU are ready (if ever) and if they are as sorry as they say the are they will wait no matter how long it takes, even if it turns out that it will never happen they will have to accept this as they have only their selves to blame.(Hope I made sense there).
Do not feel pressured into anything. xx

I just want to thank each and every one of you for replying and for all your support (not just now but in the past). I feel crap keep putting this shyte on your doorstep.
I have read very carefully each reply and i think you all make a lot of sense and you are all just right in your advice.
I think i need to harden up and start laying down the rules and telling them how things are then there is no confusion from their side. (easier said than done i know)

I know how i feel about things and i need to stop feeling guilty for feeling this way, its not my fault. I have my babies and Ben (thank god for Ben hes my rock) and best of all i have a fabulouse support network in all you

Love you all!!!!!

This is not 'advice' as such, as I really dont want to influence any decision cos it a biggy!!

If they were my family, I would oust them! Harsh, but true!

This may sound really selfish, but 'if you bring nothing positive to my life then I dont want you in it'

I have ousted one of my sisters and her husband, due to them behaving like idiots, and just persistantly causing family grief! I dont suffer fools gladly, and just because shes my sister doesnt give her the right to speak to me or treat me like shit! So.....ousted!!

You just need to make the right decision for you! Your kids will be as happy as larry as long as mum and 'dad' are. If any decision is gonna make your home life stressed, then dont do it!

Big hugs xxx

Firstly im sorry your going through this hun must b hard for you to make a decision x
Your parents dont seem very nice at all x As for your brother could they of brain washed him as such? (dunno if that makes sense atall)
The others ahve said pretty much what i would of done xx

I don't know what to say really but I wouldn't rush into anything, if you do decide to let them back in it would have to be on your terms. I don't know whether I could forgive after what they've done so I suppose you just have to weigh up the pro's and cons on seeing them, list them and whatever has most on will help you with your decision.

Big hugs x

Persoanlly I wouldn't let them back in, it takes a long time to build trust back when its been ripped away so harshly

They must know how bad they were and if they had any sense would know you can't just move and and forget.

You only have this life once, and however selfish it sounds you have to do what you think is best for you and your kids, and sod anyone else who hasn't backed you up in your choices - tbh I am not sure allowing them back into you lives is the best thing - but deep down you know the answer to this - so if you think the same you know what has to be done.

Hugs chick, I know this won't be easy what ever way you go xx

I have to say that I totally echo what Lisa says.

I would understand why anybody would let their family back in, as its a huge thing to let go of, but I am quite hard and would kick my parents to the kerb if they had treated me and my family like that.

You are a parent yourself, you would never put your own children through that... it must really hurt you to know that they have treated you so badly.

But, its so easy for us to sit here and offer our advice when we are not in the middle of it.

You will come to the best decision in the end xxx

Ugh sounds like a very complex set of issues. The only thing i can think is that it has probably taken you a long time to come to terms with what has happened and to adjust to your life without them. If you let them back in and they let you down again, there would be a lot more hurt to deal with for all of you.

Sorry you are going through this x x x

You know my thoughts hun,

i think they are trying to bully you too, what started off as contact as and when is starting to get a little too frequent for my liking.

you have your family around you (present company included) and its time to get tough with them.

Rules to follow and if they cant stick with it then bye bye!
I cant possibly understand how they think everything is ok now after the nasty, spiteful things they have made their own daughter endure! its disgusting!
that probably hasnt helped much sorry

loves ya hun

Thanks again girls. Lisa i have thought a lot about all this and tbh i really dont know that they would bring anything to the kids lives. Sam certainly hasnt suffered from never knowing them and the others are actually a lot better behaved and happier since they havent been seeing them.

Jo your right it is going far too fast and frequent, takes someone else to say it to make you realise!

I dont want them in my life i know that, but its hard knowing that they now want us after feeling worthless and down for so long. Manipulation. Thats a word that comes to mind and emotional blackmail.

Luckily i am so very much stronger than i was last year! and i am rational about it rather than a wreck lol x

You need closure..either way. Your family needs to know..from you..how much they hurt you and the ppl you love most in this world. Your hurts need to be acknowledged by them. Sit down and write a letter..starting from the very first of these hurts inflicted by them upon you. If given the opportunity, you should read it to them directly without interruption. Letter's work best because when confronting someone who has hurt you..you are bound to fill with rage or emotion and never get it all out how you want to say it.

This is still affecting you, and I know it will until you get this conveyed to them. It's affecting you because as a mother/parent..you cannot imagine how the people who are meant to love you most in this world..have hurt you beyond measure. You could never do this to your own..so how could they?

You are missing the parents/family that as a child, were the sun and moon to you, that's why it hurts so much. The blinders come off the older you get and have your own experiences.


Remember this..forgiveness is a gift you give yourself..its sets you free from pain. Doesn't let them off the hook for all the wrongs, but it will soothe those wounds that have cut you so deeply.

I am here hun..if you need me toots! xxx

i'm pretty shyte with words hun but if you want to tell them to fek off...then do exactly that

it's easy for people to expect forgiveness...but giving it isn't so simple....they have proven that they can't be trusted and that is the last thing you need

you are a fantabulous woman and mother, you need people around that will love you, respect you and treat you how you should be, not people that will try to ruin your relationship and have social services calling on you!!!

please, do not let them force you into something you're not ready for or don't want.

you know where i am if you need anything xxx

awww Mara sorry you're in such a predicament. If it happened to me, it would take a long time to forgive let alone forget and start afresh. They are supposed to be adults FFS, their behaviour sounds far from it. People have long memories, sounds like your family dont realise that and sounds to me like they are expecting you just to brush the past under the carpet. They hurt you, your feelings and interfered in your life. Are they really going to change at their time of life ??? Sorry to sound so blunt but before you make any decisions, just ask yourself, would you risk them coming into your kids lives and maybe using them as pawns?? What the kids dont know, wont hurt them. Maybe when their old enough and wise enough the kids will make their own decision. Huge hugs xx

Mara, you have been given some sound advice from the lovely ladies on here. And as I don't know the full story I don't think there is anymore I can add. However I do feel that deep down you know what you should do but are just finding it difficult to actually do it as this is your Mum and Dad, but keep strong and stick to what you believe in.

Your brother and his family I see as a different matter though. It seems as though there could be a relationship the that can be salvaged. He has made the first step by admitting his jealousy, and now I feel you should be COMPLETELY honest with him. You never know, you may actually have the relationship you deserve with him...what do you have to loose?!

I will say though, that until you have things sorted in your head, it would probably be best to keep the children out of it. As the other ladies have said, you wouldn't want them getting hurt all over again.

Hope you can move forward hun I really do x x