How i felt and still feel now about losing my baby.
I dont know how this will come out, if it will make sense but i dont feel i can actually talk about how i feel and that it would be better if i wrote it down.
I started to miscarry late 25th sep. at the time i remained hopeful, i was conitually told that lots of women bleed in early pregnancy. so i tried to stay hopeful. My OH was really sure nothing was wrong. come the 26th and as the bleeding got heavier i knew and felt it was the end.
By Monday the 27th I passed the baby and felt revealed i knew what was happening. I told my OH got dressed and went to work. Once at work everyone was asking "how was your weekend" and "how are you" theses questions broke me and i ended up in a flood of years in the toilets. i then emailed my boss and asked to speak to him. i told him what had happened. he was the first person i actually told i had miscarried apart from OH and it was so hard. i could barley say the words. He came over and gave me a hug and said i should go home and rest.
I went home and came here. i asked for my posts to be locked as reading the replies about how sorry people were for my loss was gut wrenching for me. i just couldnt handle it.
OH and i have talked, he seems to just want to get on with it. i feel so far away from him, he didnt once cuddle me without me asking first. there was no are you ok. nothing. this has really hurt me and at the moment i feel resentful towards him as i feel he just does not care. which is causing me to me short with him.
ok and how i feel. i've not been on much as to be honest i dont really want to talk. i dont feel my happy sarcastic self. there has been a day this week when i was totally me.
i've not put a ticker of my loss, why because i quite frankly i think about my loss through out all of the day. and when i come on here and if i'm not thinking about it i dont want to see my post with the ticker at the end reminding me again.
This monday i thought oh i would have been 6 weeks. no doubt next monday i'll think oh i should of been 7 weeks. my scan would be in 5 weeks.
this is all i keep thinking about. it took so long to fall pregnant i know sounds totally stupid but i honestly never thought something like this would happen to me.
this may sound completely nuts but when i was pg with rowan i knew he was a boy and the gut feeling i had was this one was a girl.
i know there is nothing i could have done. but i feel cheated!. why take so long to fall pregnant for it to be snatched away.
my way of dealing with things is to be quiet deal with it within myself not to talk to other people how i feel. i've still not fully opened up here but as much as i feel comfortable, well even outside of that as i dont feel comfortable making myself this vulnerable.
I know the pain will pass and will become easier to bear, i wouldnt wish this on anyone
