Ok so as some of you know i havent seen any of my family for 18 months due to a massive fall out.

My "mother" got in touch a while back and we have been comunicationg by telephone since September every other week. We are on decent terms i.e we chat about everyday shit.

But she has bought the kids xmas presents. She asked if she could drop them at my house which i told her no cause tbh she will never be welcome at my house ever again. But she has asked me if i can take the kids over and pick them up.

Now Ben says i cant take the little ones over but the bigger kids can make their own mind up fair enough. Sam has never met her and Archie doesnt 100% remember them so its no detrement to them.

But i kinda wanna take them all. I am half and half, part of me wants to go and part of me doesnt. I sort of feel a need to take them all over especially Sam, i feel i need to show them off, and say look what you have missed out one, also i need to show my baby off, no-one in my family has ever met him and that has hurt me.

Ben still totally hates them which i dont blame him, and hes worried they will try to come between us which would never happen, i dont feel any loyalty to tthem at all.

But i feel like i have got out of their controling clutches and am now being controlled by Ben! They are my kids too, obviously if i take them i go against him, but if i dont he gets his own way. I dont wanna go against his wishes, and he does understand why i feel the need to take them.

I just dont know what to do tbh. I dont want to get into this big relationship with them again, i like them at arms length but i would like to take the kids over.

They are complete bastards i agree with Ben, but they do love the kids to bits regardless of what they have done, and its easy for Ben to say *$%£ them but he has all his family right on our doorstep and he sees them every day.

I need your wisdom girlies

Instead of taking them over why don't you all go out for the day maybe once a month. That way you can keep an eye on what's being said to them and you're there incase the wee ones need you. Make it a regular thing monthly in a neutral place and see where it goes from there?

It might ease them into it and get the wee'er ones used to the new folks?

Hope you can decide. It must be so hard. My family are a bit like that and don't really bother with us either. I kinda like it cause we don't really get on that well anyway.

Good luck with what you decide. Just don't fall out with Ben it's not worth it.

Dee
x

Oh Mara tough one!
I'd be inclined to speak to Ben more about it, tell him that you want to take them all with you. You have as much say as he does let's be honest!
You could just make him aware that you are going to take
Them he can like it or not but you feel you need to.

Just remind him this isn't going to be a regular thing it's purely for the childrens Christmas!

It's a hard one, I can see both yours and Ben's point of view. Have you thought about what will happen if you do take them? Will they expect to see them more regularly? Will it confuse the kids if you take them once and then they don't see them again. In my opinion, you and Ben need to both forget what you both want in this and look at what is the least unsettling scenario for all of the children.

Sorry that was a bit shitey advice, but it really is a difficult one. xxx

Mandy you hit the nail on the head hun. See Chel and Tom have missed them and i know Chel especially would love to see them, but Sam and Archie dont know them. Theres the problem. I dont want to get into the situation where i am taking 2 kids and leaving 2 at home.

I would never leave them on their own there simply because my mother is quite poisonous and i couldnt be sure she wasnt whipering in their ears.

Ben has said the same thing about what they will expect after. I dont want to get into going over all the time. I mean these are the people who rang social services to come out to us out of spite.

Its such a bloody toughy!

have you spoke to chelsie and tom about it yet and asked if they want to go, if they did want to go then would ben be ok with it??

it is a tough situation to be in, maybe have a chat with ben again, see if you cant get your point across a bit further

hope you come to a descision that is right for you all xx

I have spoke to Chelsea about it and she would like to see them, Ben has said he wouldnt stop her and Tom cause they are old enough to make their own minds up but its the little 2 he has a problem with. xx

oh sorry i read it wrong, i though he said you can take the little ones
oh dear id just try speaking to him again, really hope you can get through to him, what a difficult situation to be in xx

I don't mean to pry but from your post it's would appear that you would like your family around.
I know they have put you through alot of tough times but non the less it sounds like your secretly quite pleased they are back in contact? There's no shame in that!

I've had some major issues with my dad, my oh simply will not be in his company now, I have forgiven my dad for what happened and take the children to see him alone.
Although my oh doesn't like the fact we go, it's tough it's my decision and I am happy with it.
I won't ask them to socialise together and my oh is now use to the situation and doesn't biatch everytime I go there.

I think you need to think about how you would feel if they wanted to see you and the kids more. Do you see that as something you would like over time?

I'm sure Ben will go with what ever you decide, it may just take time to settle in. But you do what you think is right for your family x

Honey,

in my opinion, you cant split the kids, that is doing what bens parents do to chelsea and tom. and you hate that.

i know they dont know their GP but they should go with you, like you say you need to show them off and show that they havent been needed in your life.

you need to tell ben that the kids come as a foursome and he above everyone should get that chick.

not sure this has come out like i want it to ring me if you want to xxx

It's a really tough situation hun, I can see why you're conflicted. I agree with Dee though that it may be best to meet on neutral ground. Would Ben be happier if that was the case? I don't think that he should be worried about the little 2 as you're there to protect them, and you won't let them out of your sight. If things aren't going the way you want you can just get out of there. You should be very proud of all of your kids and it's only natural to want to show them off to your family. I think it's a little mean of Ben to denigh you that as he knows he can trust you to put your childrens best interests 1st.

I hope you can work out a good compromise xxx

I can see both sides to this.

If I were you, then I would want the kids to stay together, so it would mean they all see them.

But, I can totally see why Ben doesnt want them to have anything to do with the little ones.

Can I just ask though, what are your parents likely to be like with the kids? Do you think that, in the long term, they will try to manipulate them against you and Ben? They seem like they are capable of most things from what you have said before.

I am probably confusing matters even more, but I would hate for them to start planting things in your older kids heads that are not true. I would also never let them go on their own either - that way you can make sure you hear everything that is said.

x

Laura wrote:

I can see both sides to this.

If I were you, then I would want the kids to stay together, so it would mean they all see them.

But, I can totally see why Ben doesnt want them to have anything to do with the little ones.

Can I just ask though, what are your parents likely to be like with the kids? Do you think that, in the long term, they will try to manipulate them against you and Ben? They seem like they are capable of most things from what you have said before.

I am probably confusing matters even more, but I would hate for them to start planting things in your older kids heads that are not true. I would also never let them go on their own either - that way you can make sure you hear everything that is said.

x

Laura you have completely said what Ben thinks. He thinks there is potential to turn the kids against us, lets face it they turned my whole family against me so i know they are capable.

Kell i wouldnt say i am pleased about having them back in my life, and i certainly dont want us to be one big happy family but yes i am happy to have contact and feel better about the whole situation, i have got a lot of things off my chest with my mother.

xx

Well if it was me and Stuart in that situation, and I wanted to take the 4 of them (which you have said you do), id have it out with Stuart & then take them all regardless of what he thought. Thats just the way me & Stuarts relationship works though, be it fair or not I generally get final say.

I can at times be a bit immature though and do cry/shout when stressed and have been known to get my point/feelings/needs across by flinging clean laundry around the kitchen and shouting 'look its ok because the fairies will clear it up'. With Stuart these outbursts seem to work better than talking (in that case I went off to bed crying that I got no support & woke up an hr later to find he had hoovered and put all laundry away and then got an apology for him calling me lazy and saying the house was a state - id had a bug and not up to much).

Anyway I think what im getting at is does Ben know how strongly you feel about this and how alien the idea of dividing the kids is to you? Is it really because tom & chelsea are older or do you think he is exercising some control over the fact that he is bio dad to younger 2? It may seem that by talking/arguing with Ben about this you are letting your mum cause trouble/get between you but you are not. It needs to be talked about/resolved if its making you unhappy. I can totally see your reasons for wanting to show sam off - he is a clever beautiful boy who you have raised 100% without a penny or word of wisdom from them. If you decide to let just tom and chelsea go to apease ben will the issue go away? I doubt it. Unless you change your mind and decide that seperating them is acceptable, think this issue will come up again and again... even if its not til next xmas.

Im sort of talking round in circles. Hmmm. If it was me... id argue/cry/shout at Stuart to get my point across, then take kids anyway, and I wouldnt make it a regular thing (well see how it goes anyway), atm an xmas goodwill visit and possibly an afternoon in the park this summer if it went well would be all id be planning. x

Think i would do what snoopy said. If you wanted to take all 4 of them then i would talk to oh again see if i can get him to understand more. I can understand the way hes feeling but also understand why you want to take them xx

Thing is i do get my own way and every desicion about the kids has my final say everytime, but this situation kinda freaks me a bit. If i take them i know he will see it as i am taking their side against him.

There is no way i would take 2 without the other 2 and i think he knows this.

I need to make him understand this isnt about him, its about me and the kids.

I dont wanna come accross like i blame Ben in any way for how hes feeling because i dont, the poor guy has had it bad from my family and all he has ever done is provide for them and bring them up as his own.

Snoopy you are right in a sense, he feels like he has more rights over the little 2 where my parents are concerned because they have always treated him like hes nothing to the older 2.

Thanks for all your replys btw

I am gonna speak to him later and i am gonna take all 4 kids, lets just he stops taking it personally and understands that the kids are my first concern so any sign of any funny business and we are outta there xxx

can ben come with you?or at the very least offer for him to come? i know they hate each other but then he can, if he wants, keep a hold of the kids so he still feels in control?
Or would he totally be unwelcome? He will prob hate the idea of going mind you! x

Oooh i dont think that would be a good idea. The last time they saw each other my dad threatened (just out of the blue ) to put Ben on his back!

Luckily Ben never reacted because the kids were there but he has regretted not kicking his head in ever since and would only need a teeny weeny excuse to do it.

yeah maybe not such a good idea.... lol x

mmmmm maybe not. Just had a chat with Ben and lets just say it didnt go as planned, in fact it ended up in a row

See this is why i dont wanna just take them cause its causing trouble between us already just talking about it

Ah hun I dont really have much advice its so crap when you argue with each other over family issues, and ive not experienced anything half as rubbish/lame as you have.
Could you meet up somewhere mutal and maybe take it from there? At least if you arent happy you can leave where as if it was at theirs you may feel weird about just leaving. I can understand hubby being worried but at same time like you want giving them a chance could be a good thing for the kids and you will never know unless you give it a try?
xx

mara i can understand how u feel and i would take all of mine .. maybe all you can do is re assure ben that they wont ever come between you ! ben should understand the reason why you feel the need to do this and he should trut your judgement on the matter and i know he is there father but your there mother and know nothing bad is going to happen .. he knows how you feel about your parents so he shouldnt be worried about anything!

as you know im crap at advice through typing lol. sorry just didnt want you to think i was just reading and running x

Oh dear.
Maybe the argument needs to happen Hun, when your parents got back in contact he must have been aware this situation might arise, the only people who miss out here are the babies, as time goes on and you have to explain that Tom and chelsea are visiting nan and grandad but there not allowed to. Ben will have to justify himself.
No one blames him for feeling bad toward them, god after everything you both have every right!

But maybe in this situation he needs to put his personal feelings aside as his babies are going to be excluded from something through no fault of their own. X

I think whatever you do, you and Ben need to be united on it, the last thing you want is for them to drive a wedge between you and one of you being resentful because you did or didn't go and see them. You need to talk again, examine the reasons why you want to see them, are they selfish, or is it for the benefit of the kids? And why he doesn't want you to take them, does he feel threatened. If you can address the root cause of each of your points of view, maybe it will help the other to understand. I have to say though if it's causing rows already, is it worth it? I know you say you need to prove something to them, but you know, as do all your friends what a wonderful mum you are and how well your life has turned out, does it really matter if they know it or not? Hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it to.

I hope you work it out xxx

Mara

What a tough position to be in. I can see that you don't want to split the kids and I think you are right in that.

Someone suggested meeting on neutral ground which I think would be a good idea as if you don't feel comfortable it is easier to leave. Only you can decide what to do for the best but I think Ben needs to support you whatever you decide. Thinking of you hun and I know you will make the right decision for you and your family xx