As some of you may know, planning with my OH to come back to England in April, can't wait! But last night, my OH backed out completely. He says we don't have enough money, I'm stupid for thinking we'll be able to earn enough money to live, he thinks it will ruin our lives and he wants us to stay in Japan.

I had pretty bad pnd after Milo, OH was at work all day, doing overtime as usual and wasn't really around to help. His family came to visit once every month or couple of months and that was it. I didn't feel like I had any friends I was close enough to help me out, and I nearly collapsed from doing too much. I had pnd, ocd, and I was crying every day from exhaustion. No one to take over for an afternoon so I could have a nap, sleep depravation, etc etc. I was doing everything alone in a strange country with cockroaches in the kitchen and I couldn't cope. Now being pregnant again, I need to be home, I need to be near my family, and he told me we either stay in Japan, or I go back alone, look after Milo and the new baby on my own, and come back a year or so later. He said he would visit the new baby once, for a week, if he could get the time off work.

How could he say that? How could he even consider it? My BIL is finding him a job in England, and I would be able to work more as my family will be around to look after Milo. We're broke in Japan anyway, can't pay rent and bills every month so having to borrow money off our families, so staying here doesn't make sense to me. And I can't risk getting pnd that bad again, it should have been the happiest year of my life and it was horrible

He's not a horrible person but i have no idea who he is at the moment, and I have no idea how he can disregard all the sh!t i went through last year..

Sorry, you don't have to reply, just wanted to get that off my chest. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do now

Aw huni I'm so sorry to hear your having a rough time and so sorry you had to go thou that all on your own! Would you ever consider moving back.to England and him follow?




(So sorry I'm rubbish at advice sometimes) xx

This is a hard one.

I am going to be honest and tell you that if you struggled with milo it will be a lot harder with a newborn and a toddler. I'm doing it now and it's tough when you get no sleep and have to look after 2.

You have already said you gate your apartment in japan too.

I think you may have to consider coming home without him. He is not being fair and is bang out of order.

He has let you down so much lately and you deserve so much more x

Oh Nat I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted to come home and I can remember all your posts that you wrote saying how difficult it was.

I suppose he's doing what he thinks is best financially as having enough money is important. But it's no where near as important as being happy. I've got 3 kids and been lucky enough to always have had my family close by to support and help me. I really don't think I'd have coped without my mum.

Do you really think he would let you stay in the uk whilst he's out there? I think the talk about him being in japan and visiting for a week is total bullshit. I think he's just saying that so you feel you have no option. Surely he wouldn't be able to leave you, milo and the new baby???? I'm afraid I'd be tempted to agree to this just call his bluff! And if he is serious about leaving you he'd be getting my foot up his arse on the way out and me telling him to feck off.

But if you think your relationship would survive this, then I'd consider it anyway as at least you'd have your family here.

Hope you're

xx

sorry to say it kat but he just doesn't deserve you and he's treating you very badly, I know its very hard when you're pg and with Milo but you're going to have to think of what'll make you happier in Japan with him out at work all day or being at home with your friends and family.

I have to agree with the other ladies. You need to come home hun. He has treated you badly and you deserve so much more. You will find it hard to cope with 2 over there in your own. I struggle and i have help. Xx

Ive just read ur other post....is he mad?!
I really think you would be better of back home, ive kind of been there myself as i had my daughter in Cyprus and i missed my family and friends so much. Moving back last year was the best thing we ever did, even though it has been a struggling with finding work etc we are so much happier.
I think you should call his bluff too. Good luck x

Get yourself home chick! He is a total twat and needs to learn that he can't treat you like he does!

Xx

Kinkyangel wrote:

Get yourself home chick! He is a total twat and needs to learn that he can't treat you like he does!

Xx

agree totally with kinkyangel. When I first replied I hadn't read your other post but now I'd just feck him off, you can't live like this it's shite and you deserve so much better. Sometimes (quite often) it's better to be a single parent and happy than being in a shit relationship with a total wanker.

His loss!

Kinkyangel wrote:

Get yourself home chick! He is a total twat and needs to learn that he can't treat you like he does!

Xx

Couldnt agree more, I really think you would be better off coming home. Whether he comes with you or not. It sounds like he tries to make you think you are in the wrong about his behaviour and YOU ARE NOT. You are reacting completely normally and you shouldnt let him make you think other wise. You deserve much better and I think you would be a lot better being back home in the uk with your friends and family. xx

Tell him your moving back and it's his decision wether hes coming or not, I know it's hard but you have to do whats best for you hun x

Kat come home. He was unsupportive during your PND and didnt buck his ideas up til you threatened to call time on things, hes been out with other women behind your back and is now going back on his word. I think you need now to be the one with the balls to say enough is enough. Come home to your family where you will be around people who love you and tell him he either follows or fcusk off.

If he thinks you and his kids are worth it he will be there in a heartbeat. If he doesnt follow i guess that says it all but he cant keep holding you to emotional ransom like he is doing when you are broke, exhausted, pregnant and virtually alone right now.

If I was you I would just come back to England as soon as you could. Leave it to him if he wants to make the effort to see you and the kids. He sounds like a selfish, immature, prat imo.

What have you got to stay in Japan for? Your OH who lies by omission, provides little or no practical support, you live in a flat you hate, you are struggling with money...
What have you got to come home for? Friends, family, help, support, love...

Honestly id be booking the flights now if I was you. If he visits you a few times a year, sends money, sounds like he missed you then great. Though I have a feeling that might not happen

x

Thanks everyone, it means a lot just to know you're all out there in internet world!

I don't know, sometimes I think I'm justified in feeling this angry, but then I worry I'm overreacting. He's only lied/gone out behind my back a few times that I know of and reading that back dear god I sound like a muppet!

And since I got pregnant with Thing 2 and got really bad morning sickness, he was helping out with as much housework, laundry cooking etc as he could. Of course now he's broken his hand so can't, but he tried for a couple of weeks. So it's not like he does nothing, and is a bitch all the time (although I probably make him sound like it ) If he was horrible all the time and did nothing all the time, this would be an easier decision to make Having said that, the stuff he came out with last night was just unbelievable, and telling me that I was being immature and irresponsible for not agreeing to stay on Japan..gah. I'd like to hibernate, and wake up in England please!

and sorry for whingeing so much, I hate that I'm complaining this much but obviously I can't tell my family yet as they would freak the eff out.. just send me some psychic cake and I'll shut up!

Ah Nat, not easy for you to make a decision but it sounds like you have to - either way. Stay or Go. Thing is, if you say 'fine we'll do xyz' - why exactly would you trust his word when he's just majorly changed the plan you had in the 1st place and said a load of twaddle to boot

If it were me, I'd be back in the UK, let him follow if he chooses. My reckoning for that would be that if I didn't do it now, I never would - one little tot on a long flight by myself would be hard enough but two would be enough to drive me loopy!

Trust your instincts (it's not all hormones atm, honest ) and think of the long-term. Hope things are clearer soon xxx

Aww hun, what a horrible position he's put you in. I understand he's been a bit of an asshole but also that you love him and he's not always an ass. However I really do think you need to come home. You're not happy and you don't want to risk pnd like you had before, and with two babies it's going to be so much harder, you're going to need your family for support.

I think you need to say you'll go back to England on your own and see what he thinks to that. I doubt he's just come visit for a week then once a year. I think if you moved he'd follow you.

You really need to do what is best for you and your babies hun. Good luckxxx

i really think you should just come home and he can do whatever he likes - being at home and with your family is really important just now (especially with little number 2) - but that probably isnt very helpful or practical advice!

Nat I'm really sorry but he's treating you like a mug.
I know I've been there!
After everything with the other women, whether he cheated or not it's enough to drive someone insane but to do this, I'm so bloody angry for you!

I'm sorry to be so blunt, And I'm sure deep down you know he's not treating you right.

I don't think you will ever truly be happy in japan. Even with him there I don't think he will give you enough support. His track record isn't great, I know the few weeks you were ill he helped but I'd be remembering the late night 'meetings' and overtime more than the few days of help.

I really think the best place for you milo and your baby is home with you family.
If he follows that's brilliant! Good for him!

I hope I don't offend you too much I'm so angry for you I could fly over there and kick his head in!

I think he just saying it to stay over theyre if im being honest. It sounds like he doesnt wanna move.
I would come home and be with my family its not worth staying there if your not happy xx

Oh sweetheart this is just awful! How can he expecct you to carry on with no support? He's being cruel, you need some help, and generaly no one helps more than your own family. I think if you come back on your own you'll have a ton more help and support here than you ever will with him in Japan xxx

i completely agree with everything thats been said! hope your ok xx

Am sorry Nat but i would just come home. I have been in this situation when my eldest was a baby and i moved back when she was a year old. I gave him an ultimatum and he followed me.

I know hes their daddy but you need to think about yourself too. You need o be home. He will follow if its meant to be and you need the love and support from your family around you xxx

You are alone over there..and will continue to be if you stay. You need to be surrounded by loving people who are willing to pitch in and help raise your kids. Life is way to short to be unhappy and feel unworthy or unappreciated. He has done way too many things and is probably enjoying have you stay put without any support. You are completely dependent on him for everything, which allows him to behave like complete ass-twat! Go home hun, whether he stays or follows..that is his bag. He's broken promises and your trust. Love yourself and those babies more than him and do what needs to be done to ensure a better life. Remember you are worthy of so much more! xxx

hiya hun i can only agree with what the ladies are saying

im sure you know deep down that he is treating your so badly ,, i too think he is just saying that as he doesnt want to move over here and be in the eaxct position that you are in now ( no family )!
i think you should get on a plane and come back to snowy britain i think your self confidence will fly high once you are surrounded by ppl who love and RESPECT you and also in a home that you can love , one without cockroaches x x
GOOD LUCK WHATEVER YOU DECIDE X