Im gonna have a go at writing down some life events, and my general feelings to see if it will help with my panic/anxiety disorder.
I am one of 4 daughters.......i am the youngest and my dads only biological child......my sisters are from my mums first marriage, and my dad adopted them and 'tried his hardest' to be a good dad to them too......He did treat us differently though, i could do no wrong!! He was still my world and I simply adored him.
I was 6yrs old when my dad, my wonderful, playful, attentive, protective, amazingly perfect dad had a complete nervous breakdown (1984). He had suffered from panic disorder for many years, and the treatment then was tranquilizers, and bucket loads of them at that! he wouldnt leave the house and this lasted 2 yrs, and we never went on holiday until I was much older. I became extremely protective of my dad as many people didnt and still dont understand panic/anxiety, no-one considered it a true illness!
So when dad confined himself to the house, or their bedroom..........I sat with him........talking to him, trying to make him feel better, trying to protect/nurture him from these people who didnt understand...........this went on for a few years really! I was his shadow, and we completely relied on each other!! With me he was a wonderful caring daddy........and yet my mum argued with him (this seemed constant at the time!!).........I know understand why, because she was working 3 jobs trying to take care of her 4 daughters, and keeping a roof over our heads! At the time I didnt see it like this.....i just thought she was 'bullying' my perfect dad, who need protecting from the world!!!
Anyhow life slowly improved for my family...until I turned 15...My dad had a heart attack and he was only 53!! We were shocked, and this seriously rocked our world!! He recovered slowly, but again I became obsessively preoccupied with his health (again I just wanted to protect him!) ..........18mths later and another heart attack!! Serously scared now, and he was referred to Wythenshawe hospital for a triple heart bypass........I was 17/18 by now and I couldnt cope!! I stayed with my BF at the time and didnt even visit him in hospital after his surgery (I stll cant really get over the guilt of this..........what the hell was i thinking?????)
Anyhow his recovery was unbelievable....my old dad was back......he stopped being so anxious (I am told this was because he now had bigger 'real' worries so actually stopped stressing about the minor stuff!!) He became a sportsman again as he had previosuly played semi-pro snooker (and had played Alex higgins & Steve Davis
) Mum and him got a social life again and life was really great for quite a few years for us all!! He was life and soul of any occasion, and he looked fabulous........This probably lasted 10-15yrs xxx
I pulled up at home after coming back from uni in Birmingham (i travelled there once a week for a part time course), and my sister met me at the door of our house to say that dad was being 'checked' over at hospital as his chest was a bit bad.........they were trying to keep me calm as Dad had been admitted with another heart attack.........we thought he was fixed!!!!!!!!!!
My world was rocked again, and we were scared!!! We all knew that this was not good news as when he was scanned the previous op was holding up great and this time it was a muscle problem that couldnt be fixed!! We couldnt do anything, but try and get on with life!!
Over the next few months I watched (actually make that scrutinised) his every move, whince, or change in complexion colour!! I saw changes that I didnt like the look of and deep down knew that maybe I wouldnt have him forever!!
I booked a weekend away for me and Chris (we were engaged at this point) to go to the lake district. We booked a lovely hotel, and we headed down to Windermere on the Sat morning. We had just finished a boat ride on the lake when my phone rang..........it was mum.........and she said 'lovey, its your dad, weve lost him'...................i told her i was on my way home, and i got a taxi straight back to the hotel to get my stuff together.....Chris said i was behaving very matter of fact at this point!!
Mum had been shopping and had com hom to find dad collapsed on the living room floor.......it was his 4th heart attack, and this time it had taken him instantly!!
I expected to 'die inside', collapse, scream, run-away, throw a paddy...........anything but what i actually felt............it has taken me months of counselling to be able to admit that I almost felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders............i was desperately sad dont get me wrong............but I couldnt worry about him anymore!! I had worried about him all of my life, and I didnt need to anymore because the worst possible thing had happened..........
15th July 2006 - My wonderful dad was taken from me - My most life changing event
Many more events to come.......one at a time..........probably 'men in my life' next!!
