Sort of following on from snoopys post.

If your relationship broke down who would get custody of the kids. Would you want full custody, would your oh get full custody, would you share it 50/50 or would you or your oh be a weekend parent?

And why would it be that way?

Personally having been married twice and having kids to both husbands I have got full custody of the kids both times. And neither father have contact due to circumstances.
But if the dads had been good dadsand still had a relaionship with the kids I would deffo have kept full custody and the dads been weekend dads. Maybe that's because neither breakup was my fault I feel that why should I lose looking after my kids day to day and being the main person in their lives.

Your thoughts please xx

I'm pretty much the same as you! I've been divorced twice and got the both kids! The first husband didn't want access and lived miles away and second ex husband has acces to paul and it works well! I now have another husband AND another baby (yes 3x3) but I'm thinking about keeping this one. You see I've experienced such crap in the past I made sure this one was a good 'un (obviously I might be wrong again).

I have got a male friend who got custody of his three and has done a fab job. But I'd say on the whole that it's the mum who usually deserves custody of the children.

well if me and OH split he is such a good daddy and is Tylers main carer that I think we would split it. Unfortunately he can't get work at the moment so it may be that I would have to pay him to look after Tyler rather than me pay nursery fees for him as I am at work pretty much full time anyway.

So I think it would be fifty fifty but he definately wouldn't get full custody.

well i have my 2 from old relationship , dad sees then for a weekend every few months when they go to grans
my children will always live with me and i will be their main carer , i would never refuse any contact with father ( unless i had good reason )

Well Amelia is with me most of the time. Dave will have her after work and over night on a Tuesday whilst I work and one week he'll take her after work on Friday and return her Saturday evening. The next week he'll have her Saturday evening and bring her back Sunday evening

I have to say, i think we would split it too.
I have been warned by adam on numerous occasions if i cheat he will do all he can to fight for custody of them, and visa versa

Again my circumstances make this hard to answer. Stuart would never get full custody. He cant be left alone with Caitlin so if he did have Caitlin his mum or sister would have to be there. For him to be awarded full custody, in affect MIL would be getting custody as that is where Stuart would be living.
I think we would be reasonable and could come to an arrangement ourselves. Id hope she would stay one night during the week & one night at weekend. That would work out they saw eachother 4 days a week, but only stays over 2, which I think is fair. Id hope we could be flexible too eg if I wanted to take her away for a weekend he would skip his overnight that week and likewise if he wanted to take her somewhere on a thur night & she wanted to go Id be fine with her staying a 3rd night that week. Again in summer hols I wouldnt mind her staying for a cpl nights in a row if he had things planned.

50/50 works for some people, but personally Id prefer Caitlin to have one home. I dont agree with one week here one week there, or alternate nights. I think that could be unsettling to routine/sense of security.
In my experience quite often these things work themselves out as children get older. Some dads lose interest/start a new family and are less keen on more custody. Equally some kids decide themselves that they want to spend less time at mums and more at dads or vice versa. Id find it very hard if at 14 Caitlin decided she wanted to live with Stuart & MIL but what could I do if they have a good relationship?

I hope that if we split Caitlin would continue to have a good relationship with her dad. However my MIL does mother/smother Stuart and I could see her using all his access time up meeting her own needs with Caitlin and disabling him as a parent. It would prob always be that Caitlin was staying at nana's & not daddys if you know what I mean. I could talk about this for hrs sorry! Its what would happen if I died worries me most. MIL would be bringing Caitlin up effectively and my mum would have no input at all because Stuart has parental responsibility. Im relying fully on Stuart to include my mum in Caitlins life if that happened - but if he & MIL decided my mum could almost be cut out of Caitlins life

we've spoken about this as I don't like anything undiscussed.

Both will stay with me, depending on circumstances at the time we'll then sort how often they see their dad. I'd like them to see him every day but obviously not always possible.

I hope it never comes to it though

I hope it never happens but we would share as oh is a brilliant dad and loves the boys to bits.

I agree with what people are saying about sharing in principle, but I do wonder how the practicalities of it would work.

Do people mean alternate nights/weeks? Or no set routine at all for the kids just when it suited each parent? I think id like Caitlin to have a routine & not be wondering where she was going each night.

New relationships are also something to consider. Would everyone be happy with OH having 50/50 custody and having a new partner? Its a tough one because obviously most mums would be dating again at some point.

I suppose it depends on alot of factors like childcare for example. If I was working full time and OH & MIL were still PT would I really pay for nursery every afternoon if they could do it - probably not, so maybe OH would see them more than I previously said.

my kids, my rules. they live with me! daddy can visit around his working hours and i will be more than happy to come to a mutual agreement, even be flexi when it comes to his sports and winter time table.

i have full custoday but he see's them every day whilst im at work...well from about 6pm till i get in
if i didnt work them hours, im not sure what would happen tbh...probibly he would quit his weekend job and have them all day sunday or something, then one day after work in the week...with him not having his own place it would be hard to det something up proper as theres nowhere for oliver to sleep without being disturbed, and i know he says his mum takes over so he doesnt like having them there. so actually we are quite lucky that he can bring them back here alone and get to spend time with them everyday...works for us all

plus, and i dont mean this in a sexest way at all...but personally i dont think i could cope without being a full time mum to my kids...but as he works loads anyway he is used to it xx

Snoops, you made some very good points.

I wonder how happy and reasonable we'd all be after we find out he's been screwing your best mate for the last 6 months! Or that he's remortgaged your home and spend the proceeds on cute rent boys, or he's started to drink too much or he's developed a habbit or he's taken to kicking the shit out of you every other Tuesday. None of these things have happened to me but these things have happened to ladies that I know! Some ladies can be quite hurt and sore for a long time and struggle to share their precious babies with men that they see as the enemy!

Shared custody isn't always best for the child. My ex would never have been able to cope due to work etc but we did agree from day one I'd have full custody but ex and Paul could see each other whenever they felt like it(they see each other most days) But his home is with me!

Me.

we would share the kids 50/50...no questions....he is an amazing dad and i would never want him to miss out with them.


it would have to be very structured and routined as this is important for kids, but it is essential for lily-ann....so it would be worked out as something like i have them mon-thurs and sam has them thurs - sunday etc...although in theory that sounds fine, in reality i don't know just how flexible i could be there! lol

Exactly pen. Even though Im saying all that about Caitlin staying 2 nights a week I dont have a crystal ball. Who'd know what would be the reason for me & Stuart splitting and I cant predict how id feel. Most of my comments were regards an amicable enough split eg 'falling out of love'/general arguing etc.

I honestly think that alot of people who say an almost 50/50 share would work would find when it came down to it it wouldnt. Maybe I am selfish and this links in to my posts about allowing OHs to parent... but I couldnt imagine being away from my baby for a few days a week. Maybe Im a horrible person for feeling like that, but I do. I understand Stuart would feel the same, but I dont think Id go along with something I didnt feel comfortable with just to be fair to him.... I sound like a right hard cow

i agree snoopy...like i said i coulnt cope being away from my kids for 50% of the week...he could, he joined the army and would still be there if he wasnt MD'd...so obvs he could x

when I say 50/50 I guess I dont mean like umm 3 nights a week with OH 4 with me or something. for me I mean that if our work situations are the same as they are now then I would want him to have Tyler in the day while I work rather than me pay nursery fees. I would want Tyler most nights and weekends I guess we would alternate but would have to play it by here.

Tylers home would be with me as far as Im concerned

Jade wrote:

when I say 50/50 I guess I dont mean like umm 3 nights a week with OH 4 with me or something. for me I mean that if our work situations are the same as they are now then I would want him to have Tyler in the day while I work rather than me pay nursery fees. I would want Tyler most nights and weekends I guess we would alternate but would have to play it by here.

Tylers home would be with me as far as Im concerned

Depending on reasons for split/MILs agrement that is something similar to what I would consider. Possibly lol. x

yeh obviously if OH did something terrible or actually anything that made me really hurt or angry etc I think I would re consider lol

my oh always joked that he will take braden and i can have dita!

nah seriously he would be a weekend dad because he works mon-fri
x

If we split amicably id like to think we could do the 50/50 custody thing so in effect not alot would change for Paige eg i get her up and drop at nursery/granny cos we both work then oh would pick her up at 3 and care for her til i finish at 8, however she would sleep at wherever i would be living

If the split was not amicable or their were issues surrounding it i dont know what i would feel comfortable with to be honest x

I would have an open custody with Neil where we shared C's care. We have always said we would never use custody as a weapon in a divorce if it came to that so the only wa i would keep him from his girl is if he was a danger in my eyes eg a drinker, an abuser, a criminal, a drug taker. If it was a case of an affair as hard as it would be i would still try to maintain the same ideals towards custody cos even if he went off with someone else it doesnt chage the dad he is to C and i would not use her as punishment (i would however castrate him).

Im a kid of divorced parents who divorced from an affair and spent years getting f%^&ed off listening to them biatch about the other til in my teens i told em both i didt care how they felt about each other, he was my dad/she was my mum so could they kindly shut it venting their thoughts to me on each other. Same principle here, if we split cos he cheated i might not like him but it wudnt chage him being a fab father and i hope id remember that. Like i say the only way i wud keep him from his girl is if i thought she wasnt safe

its a tough one until youre in that position, id like to think it would be an even split of childcare but i suppose it depends on the circumstances.

I actually struggle to comprehend the answer to this, either situation would break my heart. For example if we split it would mean that Simon would get equal custody as I couldnt bare the thought of him not seeing Libby often, he is a brilliant dad and Libby adores him but at the same time cant bare the thought of not seeing her every single day

We havent discussed it because I cant bring myself to.

xx