I need to have "the talk" with my oh tomorrow (not the birds and bees one, although..I'll save that for next time!)

I'm sure anyone who's had to sit through my posts will have got the gist of it, and he's not a bad guy, I think, he's just a bit off with the faries

So tomorrow I'm planning to sit down with him and talk things over. Topics include, why i'm so insecure around him (basically because he lied to spend time with other girls, lies to get himself out of trouble etc) that he hasn't properly apologised for any of that, that when I try to tell him how i feel he verbally attacks me and makes me feel like shit (but i have to work on how i talk to him, because he takes it as an attack, even when it's not), that he doesn't seem to realise how hard it is loking after Milo without any help from my family (too far away) and no help from his family (I don't why)

I mean, I love his family and they're great with Milo when they see him, but they only come over once a month if that. They haven't seen him for 2 months now, they didn't even get him a card or gift or visit him for his first birthday They've never offered to babysit if I'm feeling exhausted, despite knowing how much overtime my oh works. His sister is a kindergarten teacher, she's only met Milo once but he loved her! I asked my oh if his sister could come and babysit for the afternoon or evening so we could go on a date (no time together alone since Milo was born) but he just said "Oh no way, that's her job, I'm sure the last thing she wants is to be around kids at the weekend too!" I mean, I just want to cry. If we were in England my parents would be seeing him every week, every day probably and spoiling him (and me!!) rotten! I don't understand how his parents don't realise how hard this all is on me! And i can't believe he won't tell them i'm struggling

So I need to somehow sort all of this out because I can't take anymore. I've had to increase my hours at work, the only time I have to plan lessons is after Milo goes to bed, (anywhere from 8pm-11pm) and i have to finish off the housework and rush through my lesson plans before collapsing into bed. My oh tries to help out looking after Milo but he's exhausted/lazy fecker (delete according to how pissed off i am ) so he just puts Milo in his playpen then tries to nap/surf the internet/practice guitar then wonders why steam is coming out if my ears! (also he works till 12am so i'm here on my own with milo in the evenings. So if he doesn't settle, I can't do my work )

Somehow I've got to tell him all of this in a way thats not going to make him angry and start swearing, or get defensive or get hurt. How would you approach it?

Thanks in advance for any advice/tecniques/offers to wee in his sock drawer

i would tell him to bog off and come to england and your family nat, but thats probably not very helpful of me...... sorry hun xx

Nat my heart is literally bleeding for you. How the hell you're managing is completly beyond me. You definitely need some help/support and he needs to stop avoiding his responsibilities. Yes he is working hard but you're working harder. You both need some time off otherwise you're both going to become resentful of the other and that's not good for any relationship. Why the hell can he not just ask one of his family to sit for you, just for a couple of hours even, and you can schedule it way in advance. How does he know they'll say no? Nothing ventured nothing gained.

TBH I agree with Jo, I know that in your situation I'd have threatened it more than once. Maybe he needs to realise exactly what he'll be missing?

I would gladly come and have a wee in his sock drawer for you!

Sorry Nat, but i have to agree with JoAandAlice. I think you should come back to England. Ive read all of your posts and its a miracle you havent had a breakdown, you are pretty much a single parent and I really struggle to see what you could be getting from your marriage, your husband sounds like a selfish prick who doesnt know how lucky he is. I dont think anything will change even if you have a talk or it may for a week or 2 but then slip back to how things were before. x Good luck.

Kat Ive spoken to you here and on FB and you are shattered. Your OH clearly loves you you can see that from your family photos but the boy (i refuse to say man cos he aint manning up) is on another planet. You are doing your long term mental and physical health no good.

I know you know all of this im just reiterating it because you cant back down this time. He either needs to sort it or you need to come home to your family and Banda peeps. I dont know how to suggest you say it to stop him taking it the wrong way as i dont know him but one very good idea i heard off gillandwill is that you both have a notepad. You speak and he IS NOT allowed to interrupt you while you are speaking. If he has summat to say he can write it down for when its his turn. When you have had your say its his turn and you keep schtum. Saves it turning into a row as you get a chance to marshall your thoughts.

Best of luck hon andf you know where i am if you wish to talk anytime

Hugs to you and stunt boy

That all sounds like such a pile of pants for you and Milo for that matter
I would be hotfooting it back to England, but I'm guessing you want to know that you have said your piece and let him know how things are (and give him the chance to change...) before you could do that?

I can only suggest what you've written here, copy,paste & print out - if not just as a reminder for you when chatting (will also let him know you mean business) but if it goes pear shaped and he's not listening you can hand him the piece of paper and tell him to read it and that you need a reply by the end of the hour/day/week.

Good luck and know that there's a bunch of irate / hormonal UK women ready to whoop his ass when you say the word

Ahhhh...gulp..gonna tell you the truth as I see it...but I think it's time to get back home to your support! Just from all the posts I've read about how he treats you like you are invisible and doesn't do anything to change it or make it better. He has you on his "turf" and you are pretty much at the mercy of him and his family. He is totally taking advantage of you, and living life like a single man...and he's getting away with it. LOVE is an action word! It's proven daily by actions. Stop trying to change yourself to suit him..or thinking everything HE does is your fault somehow. I guarantee you he will probably not give your note a second glance, and if he is bothered to scribble down a response..it will be meaningless - just to get you off his back for now. I've seen soo many guys like this in my life, and the only way to deal with them is to grow a pair of brass balls and leave him to figure out how much he does indeed love you and everything you do for him. Sorry for the brutal honesty, but if you were my sister..this is exactly what I'd tell her. xxx

^ wise words and just to add, before going into any kind of hefty discussion like this - it's always best practice to figure out what you want before ever entering the conversation. E.g. if you were going to a meeting to discuss a salary rise, you would already have a figure in your mind that you would accept - and a figure at which you would tell them to sling their hook.

Hope that makes some sense - can understand that it must be like an all-or-nothing situation (it's not like you can go stay at your parents for a week to show him your serious?!) and hope things become clearer for you xx

Yes..make sure you are prepared to follow through any deal breaker situations! If you threaten to just blow smoke up his ass ..make a big fuss..and nothing is done..you lose all credibility with him and he will never take you seriously...nothing will be resolved. I am not for relationships splitting up, but as a last resort. I think you are there toots! xxx

Well put ladies,

Much more diplomatic than my response, but everything i wanted to say

I agree with the other ladies.

Dont let him turn it around into you having a go at him

i can only echo what the others have said, and get back home xx

Thanks for all of your kind words and offers to wee in his sock drawer!! It means so much, I love you ladies so much

Anway, we had a talk, and




















I'm coming home!

I'm utterly devestated that Milo is going to be so far away from his Dad, I'm devestated that it's come to this. I'm all round devestated, but I can't do this anymore. I don't think he can either.

Wait, did I mention??


I'M COMING HOME!!!!!

AWWWWW HUN!!! I cannot tell you how relieved I am..not because you are giving up on your OH..but because you are believing in YOU! You are so damn strong and amazing! You are an inspiration to everyone..including myself! Milo will not miss out on his dad..he will grow up believing what you are proving now..that no matter how hard life get's ..there is always a way! Kids would rather be from a broken home..than live in a broken home! I wish you all the best and if you ever..ever need anything..please know that I am here! Big sister by-proxy ! xxxxxxxxxx

Jen, thanks for your message

I can't believe it's turned out like this, and I can't believe what a biatch he's being. I tried to talk to him about how exhausted I was feeling, but he didn't really answer, didn't try to come up with any solutions, and I was trying so hard to keep my cool but I couldn't help crying, which seemed to piss him off So i asked him why he never tries to comfort me when i cry, again he didn't have any really answers, didn't look me in the eye, I told him it made me feel unloved - had he fallen out of love with me? I said, well I guess... so i cried about that obviusly, then about 5 minutes later he was backtracking and said he hadn't said that I'm so confused. Anyway, he stormed off, when he came back i apologised and things were ok overnight, he was very huggy and saying he doesn'T know why he gets like that, he knows it's not right. Then this morning i was feeling really shakey and wrong and said i guessed i was still nervous about all the stuff we'd talked about last night. Well he got pissed off again, things escalated again and i told him to stuff it, except with more words and more swears. He just sat there like a zombie throughout saying, do want you want, go home (none of it in a kind way) He's said he can't take me anymore, i always have a problem, i'm always complaining (welll, given th year i've had, I'Ve been doing my bloody best! If I'd had some support we would be happy right now!) I told him that but he just does. not. get. it. I know it's hard on him if i'm upset but i don't see how shutting down and insulting me is going to help! I can't think of many situations where he's been there for me, or tried to help.

But i just feel awful, thiking about being a single mum, so scared, i'm going to have to sleep alone every night, no-one to come home to, taking milo so far from his dad. I keep feeling that i should just put up wwith my oh and wait for things to get better as this isn'T fair on Milo.

I'm a mess

I can't help thinking if i'd just kept my nouth shut this morning this would be "fine", and i keep remembering the good things, like he says he emails me everyday from work and says "love you!" he'll sometimes bring me a bar of chocolate home from work, he's not cheating, he's not beating me up, am i just over reacting about all of this? It's only when i try and talk about "relationship" stuff, or try to tell him i'm exhausted that he gets angry, no matter how nicely i try to phrase it.. so if i just shut up and tried to sort myself out things would be ok and i wouldn't be breaking up our family like this. i just want to cry..

Sweetheart, im so sorry you are going through this.

Do you really think he will let you leave?

I know he is saying that now, but when it comes to the crunch of you actually going then you will really know for sure how he truly feels.

Try to keep strong and we are all here to listen if you need us.

When are you thinking of coming home?

x

Natkat wrote:

I can't help thinking if i'd just kept my nouth shut this morning this would be "fine", and i keep remembering the good things, like he says he emails me everyday from work and says "love you!" he'll sometimes bring me a bar of chocolate home from work, he's not cheating, he's not beating me up, am i just over reacting about all of this? It's only when i try and talk about "relationship" stuff, or try to tell him i'm exhausted that he gets angry, no matter how nicely i try to phrase it.. so if i just shut up and tried to sort myself out things would be ok and i wouldn't be breaking up our family like this. i just want to cry..

Why should you keep your mouth shut?? You shouldnt be expected just to carry on as things are . Yes it will be hard leaving and starting life again back here but you will have support from your family and friends here, you cant carry on like this, sure he is doing 1 or 2 nice things but that is no where near enough and you shouldnt have to suffer with verbal abuse for doing something completely normal and talking about how you feel. xx I think you are making 100% the right decision. When do you think you will be able to come back to England?

Aww hun, I'm really sorry your going through all of this. I don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted to offer big hugs, and say it sounds like you've made the right descision, you've not sounded happy in your previos posts, and yes there have been really good elements to your relationship, but you've also been miserable for alot of it recently. If your oh isn't willing to try and work it out and make an effort it's not worth it, you and Milo deserve so much more. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's just my opinion

From the sounds of it, you were already being a single mum - but trying to hold a relationship together at the same time and having the housework of two adults too?! Laura might have a point, when you have a booked ticket... bags packed... Milo ready to go... it could be another flash point? All I can say is that if he wants you, he knows where you are. He can always come and prove his worth by coming over the the uk and talking things through or at least leaving things in a better way.

I have a feeling I'm waffling - I can only imagine the feelings swirling in you right now but you come across very strong and you are doing the best for your baby and you - an unhappy mummy is no use to anyone (especially yourself). Your strength will be needed now to follow this through. Really hope everything goes smoothly and although it's a shame he got angry etc that kindof helps towards making the way forward clear for you. Take care, hugs to you and little one xxx

Thanks everyone

Sorry for splurging my emotional mess all over you, I'll send you some tissues so you can wipe yourselves down!

Laura, aww thanks. xx I don't know if he'll let me leave, I wonder! I don't know what's going to happen when he's had time to think, and if he does calm down, I don't know how i'm going to react, if that makes sense. I can't exactly go through all this then say, oh well if you're sorry lets just forget it Our orignal plan for vising England was October, and even if I want to go before then, we have to wait another couple of weeks before Milo's passport is ready. *bigsigh*

Nutty1, thanks. I hope that even *if* we work things out we can come back to England, I really need my family! I'm hoping either way I'll be back in England soon though xx And you're right! I should be able to talk about my feelings! I never insult him, never ridicule him, I don't know why he reacts the way he does Although I gave him a ruddy great big chunk of my mind this morning, think it was deserved though!

KatyandTheo, don't worry, you don't sound harsh at all! It's really true, it's up to him to make some effort now. I've been so miserable and i used to be a really happy person, I want to get that me back!

JaffleBeanNBump, aww you're not waffling, it all helps! I'm kind of amazed at all the things i've been able to do, it hasn't been easy but i've done more than i ever thought i could do. At least i'll know that if it comes to it i can be a single mum - although my family would help me out so much, i'd probably be more relaxed! How screwed up is that? Thanks for the hugs!

Hi hun
Ive only jus seen this xx
You did the right thing talknig to him u cant keep it in any longer u seemed reallu unhappy and i agree it does sound like u were already a single parent as such and atleast ul have ur family ralleying around you and helping and hopefully it alot better for you & milo xx
He not gonna change especially if he just gonna stand back and let u both leave xx
Sending you hugs zxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Huge ((((((hugs)))))) you are on brave lady, hat's off to you! Like you have said you have tried and tried to make your relationship work but he really isn't putting in the effort required. You're requests and needs are in no way unreasonable but it's as if he's just not willing to help at all! I'm glad you gave him a piece of your mind, it was thoroughly deserved.

Where is home in the UK hun? x