Got a phone call from my eldest son's school this morning asking if I could go in to speak with a couple of his teachers but was not told why! I have met with them before as he had a few troubles in year 9...mainly with him being the class clown and constantly getting in trouble.

Anyway I'd been worrying myself silly wondering what he'd done and finally at 11.30 got to meet his teachers. Was told it was really bad news when I got there and I would need to sit down!! With my stomach in my mouth they told me...my 14 year old son has got his girlfriend pregnant!!

After all the talks we had about contraception, she is pregnant! I didn't even realise they were near that stage. I guess I should have really.

The school were fantastic and very supportive. They have to refer it now though to someone who for the life of me I can't remember, but basically it's child protection. As they are both under age.

I'm lost and confused at the moment. It's so much to take in. Apparently his GF wants to keep the baby, and Alex (my son) doesn't know quite what to do. I spoke to my OH when I got home and he thinks we need to steer them in the direction of a termination.

I fully understand why he says that and part of me agrees, but.....OMG.....OMFG!!!!!

I can't begin to explain the range of emotions I have gone through in the past few hours and really don't know what to think. All I do know is that I'll support them both whatever they decide.

Has anyone else got any experience with this situation? x

No experience but *hugs* god hon what an awful shock xxx

No experience, gosh I was shocked to read that so I imagine you would have been gobsmacked!

I can see your OHs point, a baby at that age can do a lot of harm to both the mum and the dad - if its early on then I think I'd be steering the same way - as not all 14 year olds have a clue about being a mother and looking after a person!

no experience hun but hugs to you both at this time maybe sit with them seperatly ask what they really want and their reasons behind it then get them together might also be an idea to speak to her parents as they might force her to terminate

my parents always said if me or my sister had got pregnant before 16 they would of made us have one

i know im not much help just a thought of what i would hopefully do try to keep a cool head about me x good luck x

Oh god hun. Dont really know what to say! Iv always said that I think I could cope better if my daughter got PG than my son getting someone PG. You have a lot less influence/involvement with the baby than her parents will have unfortunately. It would break my heart to have a grandchild I hardly got to see.

How long have they been together? Whats her parents like? ultimately it will be them providing most of the additional support if they go ahead and keep the baby & will be them having a newborn in their house. Could you invite them round for a drink tonight?

Dont beat yourself up. It could happen to anybodys teenage son or daughter. Its not your fault and Im sure your son is a good kid. He's probably feeling very shocked and confused at the minute.

As far as I know re the SS side of things if they are both the same age there is no chance of a prosecution. What SS would be looking into though is whether the GF will be allowed to remain at home with the baby by her parents and if they are prepared to offer her financial and emotional support to raise the child. I promise they wont rush in and remove the baby if she has good support networks. xxx

Oh wow, what a huge shock for you! It must be so hard for you knowing this could potentially ruin your sons life but you basically have no say in it!

How mature is his girlfriend?Do you think she would be able to handle the responsibility? If not then I'd probably agree with your husband

Omg what a shock. Sorry no experience, a good friend got pregnant at 15 but she was determined to have an abortion from the beginning and went through with it so not the same thing.
Are you friends with his gf's parents? You're all going to have to discuss it with them. I hope they are reasonable, but it does seem the boys get the blame in these situations.
I can see your oh's side but i guess it depends on the kind of girl your son's gf is. There's girls that can cope with a baby at that age and will later say it's the best thing that happened, and there are some that just can't cope.

Sorry this is happening. I can't imagine the emotions you're going through, and your son.

I have to say hun as the mother of a 13 year old next week i would deffo be steering them down the termination route.

What a complete shock to you!

You obviously cant make them have the termination but just be supportive of whatever they decide.

You have my greatest sympathies hun i really feel for you. I would be devastated and completely gobsmacked too

Thanks Ladies.

I really want to talk to her Mum to see what her take on it is. After all, she is in a worse position than me!

My parents forced me into a termination at the age of 17 and while I know they did it for the right reasons, it really fooked me up, for a long time!

I just want to do what's best for all of them!

I wouldn't say she is either really mature or immature for her age.

It's weird because if you'd asked me about this yesterday I would have said, they should terminate, they don't want to ruin their lives! But today, being in this situation, I really can't say that. Yes they will lose the remainder of their childhoods, but will it ruin their lives? I'm not so sure?!

I'm shocked at how well I'm handling this tbh. Never thought I'd be quite so level headed in this sort of situation. x

What choice do you have hun, its either that or fall apart. You are doing so well to keep calm.

Its a horrible situation no matter what they decide to do about it. I just hope the mum of the girl is as level headed as you!

I think it's one of those situations where it's impossible to know how you'd react unless your actually going through it. Well done for being so calm, going off the deep end really isn't going to help anyone, I just hope here parents are doing as well as you are x

It won't necessarily ruin their lives, but it will make it a hell of a a lot harder!
For him - if they don't stay together CSA payments when he is earning, this can affect things like buying a house, well everything that needs money cos he wont have so much spare

For her - she won't get the best from her education, probably wont go into the college/uni/career she wanted, if she did want to, if she does it will be much harder. if she doesn't stay with him she is a young single mum and looking to find her 'true' love with that in tow will be harder!

not an easy decision at all to make, not easy for adults to decide let alone a child who knows nothing of the world and how to live!

Wow, what a big shock! You sound like an amazingly supportive mother. It is such a tricky situation as they need the advice and support of their family to make such a massive decision, but they are too young to comprehend just how big a decision it is.

Hope you all come to a mutual agreement on the best way to deal with it all x x x

Thanks again ladies.

Lisa, you have some very valid points there, thank you x

we made friends with people on honeymoon 4 years ago who had a daughter we still talk to them they forced her to terminate at 15 about 18months ago and she has now moved out of home and wont speak to them and has gone right off the rails because she didnt have the support network she needed they just shouted at her and frog marched her to the clinic and made her take the tablets, now the mum regrets every inch of how she handled it so really wanted to say Congratulations on hou you are handling it and being supportive have the school sent them home, I would ask her to do another test just so you can be sure ( I know that sounds horrible)

im sorry ur in this situation hun
but u really do sound like ur taking it very well

i think u r gonna have to sit and have a chat with her parents really and obviously both ur son and his girlfriend!!
see what her parents think on the matter explain all the cons to ur son and his gf
as for steering towards termination i cant answer that cos to be honest i really dont know what i would do if it was me half of me is thinking yeah cos they are so young how would they cope they would miss out on so much but at the same time you dont want to force termination and then have them resent u
sorry not much help on that point!!

one thing i wud like to add although its not really relevent cos everyone is different and feels different for their kids but my oh and his ex had a baby when she was 17, she fell preg at 16 my oh was 20, he is now almost 13 and his mum doesnt give a shit to put it nicely, she obviously loves him etc but she is the most selfish person on the planet she is out every wkend all wkend and has been like this since i met my oh when the son was 6yrs old, before he would get sent to his grans or who ever wud take him so she could go out is like he is a burden on her life! her reaons for being like this are she missed out on doin it all as a teenager where as my oh didnt (he was a bit of a dick to her and stayed out every wkend and was partying etc, they werent actually a couple wen she fell preg, she's always been a bit of slapper but he stuck with her wen she was preg) so she thinks he shud now look after the son and she shud get out all the time she has been like this for years tho! yet she wont give us full custody either cos she likes the money she gets i.e tax credits child benefit! and she has admitted this is the reason she wont give us custody
im jst sayin this cos this is the way she has reacted to missing out on her childhood and i honestly feel heart felt sorry for their son knowing his mum wud prefer to be out drinkin than with him and im not saying for one second ur sons gf wud act the same cos there is many teenage mums who are absolutely amazing parents but u have to make them realise how much they are giving up and that they wont get it back and if they still decide to keep the baby then like u say u will support them no matter what!

gl hun x

I have friends that had babies at 17 (I know thats a tad older) who found it made them more motivated with their studies. Both enrolled in college and did access courses for uni (I admit they already had passed GCSE's) and both graduated this year with 2:1's. One is now married to babys dad, the other split when her son was 10mths.

It really depends on the level of support she has from her family whether she continues her studies. If she has help with childcare (some colleges provide this, even specific schools for young mums) she may still get an eduction- if she is focused. I also know plenty of women who have settled with a new partner who isnt their kids dad. All said though I suppose it is easier for a 25 yr old to settle down with a woman with a toddler than it would be for a 16/17 year old to take on a toddler in the future or a 25 yr old take on her 10 year old

With regards your son I think the hardest thing will be the fact that statistically there is only a slim chance of them staying together. He is going to have a child that will probably be brought up by someone else in years to come and the angst that will cause him. Child support is a good point although I wouldnt let it sway me towards abortion.

God its so hard hun. Im trying not to be too negative as I honestly think it wouldnt totally ruin their lives. It would make them have to grow up fast, and their lives will be different but its not the worst thing in the world. I would let them make their own minds up but yet I know that will be hard as it will be the grandparents that will have to pick up the pieces if it all goes pear shape in a year or two....

Wow - wasn't expecting that, as you weren't either it seems!
Goodness, don't even know how you start to get your head around that.
How strange to come from the school first too - I suppose it's better than the girls parents landing on your doorstep?!

I could give anecdotal advice of having a friend of a friend who's an amazing young mum / crap young mum / terminated and it was a great decision / terminated and is fecked up for life etc. but you know yourself that the pros and cons can go on for ever - there is no easy answer. All they need is support, unconditional if possible.

I'm sorry you were forced into a decision so young yourself - but that can now be drawn on and have some good come from it - as you can now, in no uncertain terms, talk to your son and his girlfriend with the voice of experience - which they should respect and take on board to make their own informed decision, not be steered towards.

No idea what that ramble will do but really hope that her parents are reasonable, the girl and your son sensible and their relationship strong - be that together or apart - for what is to come. xx

Wow, this shocked me, so I cant imagine how surprised you must have been!

Personally, I think you are in a very difficult situation and the first instict would be to send them down the termination route, but ultimately it is their (probably more hers) decision and maybe trying to let them come to a decision is the best option.

I would arrange a meeting with her parents, perhaps invite them all over one evening to have a chat and see where you can all move forward with the situation.

x

Holy Hell Jo! This is ONE of the biggest fears with having a teen, and we have already had a scare with Matt and one of his booze binged mistakes...and I can tell you it woke him up! Never saw this coming for you, but knew you were having some problems with him acting out at school and so forth. The only advice I can give is pretty much the same as the ladies mentioned above, is to meet up with the young lady's family and make some decisions as to what will be happening. Ultimately, the decision will rest with her and her parents, but showing support and your son being present for all of it may force him to reevaluate his choices he makes from here on out. Realizing your child is sexually active is hard to swallow, but they doing it, and much younger than you and I. I would expect that her parents will probably opt for a termination, so you might want to prepare yourself and your son for that. I am here if you need me hun..know that you aren't alone! HUGE HUGS!!!! BTW..I have a GF who is the same age as me..and has a 3 year old grandchild already. xxx

Shit !! I dont know what to say Hop. Just want to say im thinking of you. Good luck with the chat. Dont let the other parents make you or your son take the blame, because im sure they are pretty mad amongst other things right now and will be looking for answers xx

Blimey Jo, this must have been a whopper of a shock.

You are dealing with it very well and i cant add much to it just sending you lots of hugs and strength for whatever is decided

I've not been in this situation but i think you are handling this very well. I would presume your son was really scared to tell you and if my mum was as calm and rational as you i'd be very lucky

i shoulda had a baby at 14

i was taken to the clinic, deed was done i didnt dare go against my SM or argue with her.

i cant offer much advice other than whats already been covered by the other lassies. but if u want to hear how i delt, or didnt deal, with it and i felt after the initial shock etc then feel free to pm me. if it mibi helps u all understand even slightly better?? i wasnt given a support network or any advice afterwards. so my story is of the bad end of the scale. but i did have a baby at 17 and kept having them. i like to think we all turned out alright. and with bare minimum support for the first few years

i hope when SS come into it you all get the best advice and care and are not pushed into decisions or the kids are made to feel like they done something wrong.

hugs x

OMG Hopa I don't even know what to say. You should be so proud of yourself for how well you're dealing with everything. I think the ladies have offered some wonderful advice. I agree with Jen that both kids should be present throughout all of the adults discussion and I hope to god that her parents are as wonderful and supportive as you are. xxxx