im not coping. today i lost grip and iv 6 very nippy, deep scrapes on my neck. i went psyco laura, screaming blue murder and what started as running hands thru my hair ended with pulling it and thumping my head and dragging my nails down my face and neck. i know that will prob sound stupid to u all. for me its a big thing, im loosing my grip on my temper. im throwing stuff and not just little things, i up ended my bed last week. its not exactly a light one either, i tipped my 6foot, overstuffed bookcase over and threw the shelfs at my oh. i have really bad thoughts of self hate and self harm, im having suicide thoughts and going as far to plan it all out again. im failing at everything. i cant cope with these moods. iv told my shrink and my hv today everything and told them im fed up with my apointments being about how i feel. why cant they be about WHY i feel like this and find out how to make it go away. while im still in my own head i will admit my paranoia has been winning with me. i talk my self into believing people are talking about me when they prob aint.
im not feeling very well in general with my cold and i am really not feeling well in the head. i know my heart rate is sky high right now and im wishing it would soar so id have a heart attack and die. save me the trouble of doing it and my family living with another suicide. then again i knoow thats stupid to think like that , how do i make it go away. iv asked my self that for 2 straight years. i still havebt found an answer. i cant do this anyt more and i want out.

Laura hun you have to text me back i can help even if its only for a few hours of distraction. Don't keep shutting yourself away from me. I love you babe don't please don't do anything stupid. Speak to me if you need to you know i don't mind you letting rip about things.

I love you hun and never want to see you hurt x x x x x x x

Jeez Laura, just logged on and found this!! Please go back to your GP and print off this page to show him! There are other medications if your willing to keep trying!

I UNDERSTAND though....I have immense feelings of rage, where I lash out! Its a deep deep frustration........Do you feel you know where it comes from? Or like me is it purely an 'imbalance' of something or other!

I so wish I was closer, as you are a fabulous mum & an absolutely great person.....so you deserve some time/attention/meds to help you feel mentally well.

Im back on meds again, as i keep getting feelings of wanting to walk out the door and run away! I want to scream, then cry, or just sleep! Citalopram this time.

We can get better Laura.....and im not gonna say that youre kids need you, because I know that makes me feel worse.....but I will say that you deserve to feel better for you

PM me if you want to, need to, or just want to vent or lash out!!

Lisa xxxx

Shit ive only just noticed this. Laura hun, i know EXACTLY what you are going through. Haven't done so for a while but out of pure rage i used to scratch my face and pull my hair and just SCREAM. i felt like a bomb about to explode. Thank God you can recognise that this is not right and you want it to stop. i used to also get thoughts like you. I would be out driving the car and used to think "all i have to do is turn the wheel towards a tree". i just could not cope with the OVERWHELMING agitation and rage. Ive been slipping again these last few weeks, dunno why but i can feel the agitation creeping up on me. im on Citalopram but will go and see the doc about re-starting the trazodone as well. Please go back to the GP and spill your guts to them. Dont let it get so far that you do something you regret because im sure you know the horrible guilt and shame it leaves you with after wards. Stop punishing yourself. PM me anytime xx

i spilled my guts to the doctor and all it done was send social workers to my door because they had to make sure the kids were ok. i cant trust my doctor to tell them how im feeling without runnin the rist of them sending more SW out to me and i do end up loosing the weans ne ways.

the rage is unexplained, like a switch. i dunno why it is or where it comes from and it happens for no reason at times.

its effecting every one around me, especially the kids.

thats shite !!! your doc should know you well enough that you would never harm your kids. FFS!!!!! I know this is a long shot but what about talking to someone neutral like the Samaritans??

http://www.samaritans.org

xxx

iv decided to go private. i found a good hypnotherapist too. its gonna mean pulling in the belts and possibly holding off the wedding but if it means i dont feel like this ne more and im not calling ferg home from work every 2nd day then its a sacrifice ill make.

good idea, you should be proud of yourself !!! If you stay determined like you are now, you will get through this for sure. You know we are all here behind you 100% xx

hope ur okay laura..

ive only just seen this lot, can i join you

ive had depression since i was about 14.. was puton meds but then chose to come off them as i felt they wasnt mking me better...
i have ocd.. but not too crazily luckly.. i have to do things in a certain way.. other wise its not right. liek when i was working in the kitchens traingin new staff they had to do stuff in this order and heat things up in this tub other wise i would look at them n freak out.
same as cooking, cleaning and hangin washing up.. if its not done right or in the right order i have to re do it. so there for oh is not aloud to do it any more.

i got diagnosed with angisity (sp..) i was put on meds stright away, i did thos for quite a long while, n then i went back to my docs n told him i didnt want it as i didnt feeltoo good again on them. i still suffer from panic attacks.. but i have learnt to control them a bit better, and i only have mega ones if i have to go to the dentist or some thing lol. but then sayinh that.. i get freaked out if i am on my own when perry is at work on nights n start to think some one might be out side n then what would happen if they was to come in i i start to freak out n double check every thing n make sure every thing is locked. i wont sleep unless the chain is on the door. i also get scared n go into one thinking some one is going to put a firework though my door and we wont know if we are sleeping as we have no fire alarms (i need help i know lol)

but yea i was doing pretty well untill i had to take paige to the hv for her yearly check. she asked how i was coping n i broke into tears.. since then ive had to see a few people as coz of the depression again.. but i think some of it is to do with whats been going on lately with our home, n me n perry have been fighting alot..

ive since then ive had to tell perry about a few things about me (wont go into it too much) i lost my V unwilling at a very young age (4) n only had told my mum when i was 15, n thats it we had the police round and what not.. but nothing ever came to it as of the age of the boy n yea.. but any how i only told perry this when we was in the middle of breaking up. as he was yelling at me for why i dont open up to him n tell him every thing. n then i came out woth every thing. i think it was a bit of a shock for him to learn that n to leanr about how bad my childhood was with my dad being nasty prick to my mum n me n how we had to move about.. but now i feel so much better for telling him about it.. it feels like the world has been lifted of my shoulders.

ay how im gonna shut up now as this i lie a assay and well done if youve made it this far with my poo typing and spelling x

awww hun, we're all here for you so sorry to hear what happened to you, i hope you are on the way to getting some help. i find sharing things on this thread helps ALOT as it makes you realise you are not alone - massive hugs xx

Awwww ladies....Im so glad we can try and support each other a little on here!

Day 4 of citalopram for me...starting on a very low dose to make sure I dont have any reactions this time, so only taking 5mg this week, and then 10mg next week etc.....and ive got to say that already Im not feeling the 'extremes' of emotions! Im getting some side effects, but they are mild because of dosage, so im defo sticking with them and see where they take me!

i loved the citalopram, it worked for me, perfectly for a while, but i deffo think id benefit from going back on the anti psycotics. the side effecs were terrible but i will wait them out.

welcome to the loopy land becci let it all out on here, i do. it really does help and make u see its not just u and we are all allowed them bad days x

Thamkies ladies! i just feel a tad better now as im not the only nut job one lol

ive been on Citalopram for years and it really has helped. Yeh you're now in the gang xx

when i was put on stuff, cant remember what they was called, i didnt last long n came off it. i would like some thing to take so i didnt freak out every time i had to get soem thng done, like denist or mini ops n what not x

Well im on Day 6 of Citalopram now, and the 2nd day of 10mg....and I feel OK!

I hesitated loads on takin them because of side effects, but I think starting low is working.

I hope it carries on like this....I will be a happy bunny!!!

ah thats a good start. i started on 20mg a few years ago and im now on 40mg. If i miss a few days cos i forgot to get a repeat, i REALLY notice a difference in my mood, it just sinks. Stay with the plan xx

hope the plans working out for u?? also hope everyone has been keeping well x

im back on the prozac and clozapine. will they ever find a mix that works ???

Just came across this.

As you all now I have a history of depression and anxiety and was a self harmer too. I have been on antidepressants of many different varieties over the years but have recently stopped both sets of meds and am approaching week 10 of being med free. It hasn't been easy but I must admit I feel much better med free and am alot more resilient and a stronger than I ever thought I could be.

So bfp please hurry up and make this all worthwhile

LisaMnGirls (Sat Nov 13, 2010 7:10 pm) wrote:

Well im on Day 6 of Citalopram now, and the 2nd day of 10mg....and I feel OK!

I hesitated loads on takin them because of side effects, but I think starting low is working.

I hope it carries on like this....I will be a happy bunny!!!

Silly question but how big are the tabs. Are drops widely available?X

Hey Amanda,

They are small, way less than a paracetamol, but yes drops are available! The 10mg are really small (like an aspirin 75mg).

I have nothing but praise for them so far, with really minimal side effects....nothing that I cant easily deal with.

xxx

Thanks Lisa. My doc wants me to try them but i dont really want to cause off side effects and i dont like taking tabs x

There is a website and topic that i really recommend you read.

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=46980

xxx

Im off to docs later as im really struggling atm. Feel like i cant cope. I also feel like ive been let down by everyone. Ive had one counselling session before being cancelled. Homestart promised me a volunteer but never came cause she was ill now saying wait till after xmas! Just feel alone sometimes. Thankfully oh is off after Friday for 9 days . X

Well ive been given citalopram 10mg then to up it to 20mg after a week. I am scared to take them due to side effects. What sort of s effects should i expect? Should i start now or after xmas day.
Lisa i noticed you started on 5mg, was that recommendef by doc or did you just decide to start lower? X