I think we're on the verge of splitting up, and I have no idea how to fix it. After a huge argument last night, which resulted in him getting right in my face shouting at me and I got scared and pushed him away, and the next thing I know he's on top of me twisting my arm behind my back to the point that I thought he was going to break it. It's not the first time its happened either, hes been drunk before and smacked me across the face, I've got nobody to talk to about it, because whoever I tell will just say leave him but its not that easy Anyway I go to work sobbing my heart out and throughout my shift hes texting me saying that sleeping in seperate bedrooms for now might help us as he doesnt want to lose what we have, and that its not a break its just space for the relationship. But to me its the sign of a break up, he just doesnt want to say it. He even said to me that I'm only with him for the way he provides for me and Harry (which really pissed me off cos I work 40 hours a week for what?) and thats really not why I'm with him at all, I love him, but I just don't know how to fix this problem??!!!

I just dont have anyone to talk to about this, sorry for the rant

Sorry hon i dont really know what tp tell you but didnt wanna read and run. I would say if he has been violent to you more than once you have to consider if this is a good environment for you and Harry to be in though. Im not gonna advise you one way or the other as I dont know your OH or your situation well enough but if he can hit you once, twice he can do it again and what would happen when harry is big enough to push his buttons? You need to really think if this is a future you can be happy and well in.

^ ditto; what Mario said. xx

I know he would never lay a finger on Harry, he's is world, just means that I'm not if he can hurt me like that. I just don't know what to do because he's a lovely man, he really is, but I just see this as the end. I'm so upset

Unfortunately, by hurting you he already is hurting Harry hun. Take time to think things through xx

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's very rare that men like this change, it often gets worse. And although you're sure he would never hurt your baby, this isn't a good environment to bring a child up in and it can be damaging. In all all honesty I would tell him to pack a bag and feck off (I know this is hard). Then over a period of living seperatly you may be able to work something out.

You are hardworking, a great mum and should demand respect from this insecure pile of shite. You're a great girl and really shouldn't put up with this.

I really hope you're ok
xx

Im sorry you are going through this. In my experience in situations like what you have described things rarely get better and usually get worse. I think if he has started being physical with you its likely it will happen again and usually the abuse becomes worse/more frequent.

You know yourself that you are not reliant on him. You do earn your own money and you are more than capable of looking after yourself & harry.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but like the others have said you need to think about the environment harry is in. Maybe try relate or something? Or contact Womens Aid. they have a helplin that you can ring for a chat. They are non-judgemental and will listen without pestering you to leave him. Many people think womens aid is only about hostels etc but they provided outreach services. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Why not check out their website? x

Oh no, I have no advice better than given, but hugs chick not a nice situation to be in x

Thanks for your replies ladies, he suggested relate too, and also said that giving the relationship some space by sleeping in seperate rooms will help. He has also apologised again and again for being violent to me, but whether he means it or not is a different matter

awwww hugs to you. i agree with the ladies, how do you know next time he's drunk, he wont punch you? Harry may not see things like that happening but believe me they pick up on the vibes. I grew up with my mum and dad arguing and my dad hitting out when he was drunk, like your OH he was a fantastic guy but the drink brought some demons out. It was horrible seeing the 2 poeple i adored literally ripping each other apart and it had a long lasting effect on my confidence and adult relationships. Im not scaring you but just to show what could happen if you just forgive him and stick it out for Harry. Its an awful situation, similar for me at the mo (minus the physical), i dont know whether our r'ship is worth saving and im petrified of breaking up a family and starting over on my own with Cerys, i keep thinking what if i make a mistake by going it alone? Once someone has shown aggression, it will come out time and time again. It sounds like he has things on his mind or a chip on his shoulder about something. A break will be good for both of you to discover what you both want/need. Im sure 50% of the ladies on here have been through something similar at some point. Keep talking to us and you might find your answer but ALWAYS listen to what your heart is telling you and im pretty sure Harry is the priority in YOUR heart xx

He is, maybe a break is for the best, the thing is he's got nowhere to go, so it is literally sleeping in different rooms

Hun, just because he's got nowhere to go wouldn't be my reason for letting him stay.

Let your son and yourself take priority this time! If he stays in the family home then he's kind of getting away with it!

Sorry if you think I'm been hard but like minimeg said many of us have experienced situations similar to yours. The advice you have been given by the ladies is really good advice!

he might not hurt your baby hurn but will he hurt your annoying whingy teenager when your not around? it might be ok for now but what about ten years time when your son is arguing with your oh?
my dad was like this and only ever started on my mum, until i turned about 10 and ym mum started working nights, then it was my turn.
x

Niccsy raises agood point- he may not hit a baby or a small child but could he control his temper with a teenager? Would Harry deserve a beating for coming in late/being cheeky in your OHs eyes?

I also agree it aint your problem that he has nowhere to go. I have a feeling he will conveniently remain having nowhere to go as it means he can stay with you & Harry. He will have no reason to look for somwhere else until you kick him out and can try and make you look like the bad guy. (Which you are not, behaviour has consequences, he cant hit/hurt you and then be the one calling the shots about who sleeping where etc. He is in the wrong full stop but seems to still be controlling the situation.)

was he drunk last night when he did that? Alcohol doesn't change who you are it just emphasises existing behaviour so it's not an excuse. I know its not easy walking away from a relationship especially when you have Harry but he really needs to acknowledge what he's done and get help if you're going to move forward.

No he wasn't drunk, he stopped drinking since he slapped me (he was half asleep at the time when he did it,but still no excuse) as he was devastated. The thing is, he's really not a violent man, he doesn't get angry until he is really really pushed and I have the annoying habit of not letting things go and wanting to argue it out rather than having a time out to think and calm down (this is not me making excuses I just know its what I'm like and its been a problem for me). I instigated the violence last night because I pushed him, he didn't hit me back, he pinned my arm behind my back so I wouldn't do it again. It's still no excuse but I don't want you to think he would ever hurt Harry. I just don't know what to do now, my head is foooked Xxxxx

I have no idea how your going to resolve this, massive hugs hun xxxxxxx

Hugs to you - what a horrid situation.
In my personal opinion... move on foremost for Harry, he may learn his fathers behaviour is normal and learn from it. You will never trust him to be around you or Harry whilst drinking. If he's been violent once before he honestly can't be that sorry hun

Move on while you can - as for him having nowhere to go - not really your problem hun, if he hadn't have put himself in this position he would have been fine

Hugs to you both
xx

=o( you just made two seperate excuses for him, i know you said they arnt excuses but they deffinately sounded like it, blaming yourself too, its a downhill spiral from there, get out while you have the guts and confidence. Pushed or not, no man should turn to violence, especially not against women.
I have extremely low tolerence to males who are 'violent' towards women so im sorry if im a little harsh just from my experience it only gets worse. I understand completely that its hard, and its the man you love, but your better then that surely
xx

SemoandHaribo wrote:

No he wasn't drunk, he stopped drinking since he slapped me (he was half asleep at the time when he did it,but still no excuse) as he was devastated. The thing is, he's really not a violent man, he doesn't get angry until he is really really pushed and I have the annoying habit of not letting things go and wanting to argue it out rather than having a time out to think and calm down (this is not me making excuses I just know its what I'm like and its been a problem for me). I instigated the violence last night because I pushed him, he didn't hit me back, he pinned my arm behind my back so I wouldn't do it again. It's still no excuse but I don't want you to think he would ever hurt Harry. I just don't know what to do now, my head is foooked Xxxxx

I'm sorry honey but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You may have pushed him but you said you pushed him as he was in your face scaring you thats not the same as running at someone to shove them. Start blaming yourself for him doing things in anger is a dangerous path to take as it puts you in the position of the victim. If you think he can change and not do something like that again and if you think relate and a break apart in seperate rooms will stop this in its tracks and all will be fine then thats your call as nobody knows how things are better than you and him and fair play.

However, you will have to consider just how many chances you are prepared to give him. If you try all this and he ever raises his hand to you again would you say enough is enough and walk away because his behaviour is intractable or would you find yourself making excuses and blaming yourself and letting him continue. You need to ask some long hard questions and see where the answers take you. I agree with niccsy, if he never hit harry as a kid he would still feel the stress and who isnt to say as a teen if harry is strong willed and argumentative and maybe pushes his dad out the way to go to his room it wouldnt repeat itself. If you think he can change so be it i dont believe in telling people to walk away from a relationship as ive been there (not with violence but with other behaviours as neil and i went through a rough patch of him drinking too much when we were egnaged) and if i had taken their advice i wouldnt be married with a baby and a very well behaved husband these days. That said I took the decision to stay based on some very strong ground rules that he knows its not worth his marriage to break.

I know you will do whatevers right for you and Haribo and im sorry its such a rough time for you right now. xxx

Thankyou for your advice ladies, you all mean so much to me I know it sounds daft but you do

I have some serious thinking to do, just don't want to give up on such a huge part of my life, but like you've said I can't give him too many chances, I just need to get my head round it :(x x

Oh Hun I'm so sorry what an awful situation.
I have no experience with violence but I do have other experience with disrespect and being made to feel like a mug!

For me separate rooms did nothing! I was in one room with the boys he was in our room and we literally led separate lives, I resented everything he did, we didn't hardly talk, never made any effort what so ever. Things were very strained and the separate rooms only exaggerated things.
Everything got too much for me and in April I asked him to leave, well actually I packed his bags while he was sleeping put everything in his car and handed him the keys when he woke ( on our anniversary!)
Alot has happened sinse we have lived apart, some good and some not so good but the main thing to come from it is that our relationship is now IMO much stronger than it ever was!
We have learnt alot about ourselves and us as a couple and are now talking about him moving back home. It's taken 8 or so months but I think a happy relationship can be achieved if living seperatly. As fir him having no where to go, well that's really not your concern. My oh slept on sofas etc until he got himself a small flat to rent. He had to fend for himself and that in itself gave him a huge kick up the arse!

I don't know your relationship, but if you feel you can try to work things out that's fantastic, don't feel that by him being away from the house that it's all over. Sometimes it gives the push they need to be better men!
Like mario if I'd have listened to others opinions I'd have split up and walked away but I wasn't ready to give up and tbh I'm glad I didn't!

I really hope you and Harry are ok, big hugs to you both xx

I have never really been in your situation hunni, but it certainly sounds like you dont want to break up with him.

So, he has offered to go to relate, then give it a go, what can you lose?

I know that everybody is worried that he may hit Harry when he is a teenager, but at the same time, who is to say who we will all be in 10 years time?

My FIL used to be in to all sorts of bad stuff and go away on a Thursday and not come back until Sunday night... if you knew him now you wouldnt believe it.

All I am saying is, that if people are shook up enough, then sometimes they can change. It doesnt seem like you want to give up yet on your relationship, so maybe see where something like Relate takes you.

You can always walk away once you have explored evey avenue, if it came to it.

x

I agree with the other ladies hun xxxx

I am thinking of you and the gorgeous Harry

niccsy wrote:

=o( you just made two seperate excuses for him, i know you said they arnt excuses but they deffinately sounded like it, blaming yourself too, its a downhill spiral from there, get out while you have the guts and confidence. Pushed or not, no man should turn to violence, especially not against women.
I have extremely low tolerence to males who are 'violent' towards women so im sorry if im a little harsh just from my experience it only gets worse. I understand completely that its hard, and its the man you love, but your better then that surely
xx

I agree totally with this comment!