Mary Byrne – They seem to be bagging on her for not doing modern stuff at the start but to be honest todays version was way more TT than Manilow and it was nice to see them eat their words. She looked the part tonight too with the makeup, her hair done up and the sparkly dress. Its really nice to see an older woman proving its not just a kids show. By the way has Dannii been sticking wet hands in the plug socket? Its like watching an Aus version of Sonic The Hedgehog judging a talent contest. Very odd.




Private Pile Grimshaw – Lol @ Simon's smile lessons. Does it seem a little cliché to you to take the resident nutjob and give him a song that featured flesh eating zombies in it's original video. Though in this case zombies seemed noticeably absent rather some animated shop mannequins have escaped from BHS for a good boogie. Actually hated the performance. Where the Jackson version was fun and upbeat we appear to be back to full bladder esque contortions from the king of squinty singing. Not impressed. When he did smile at the end of the song for Cheryl i wasnt actually sure if it was a smile or some kind of pre dinner jaw exercise. If I were her I'd be heading for the exit sharpish after the show...

Errrrrrrm there is NO FRIKKEN way that Bell Amie just sung that live !!!!!

Giz a chance im gettin there lol

Belle Amie – Ok becoming a true girlband if the definition appears to be accentuating your words with much elbow waving. Fecking irritating if you ask me. The naked bondage submissives on stage were a little bizarre though a few of them seemed to have taken walking lessons off monkey girl Cher Lloyd. The girls styling for once seemed more spot on though, even taking Halloween out of the picture, they looked less like they had just superglued their bodies and thrown themselves into SJP's wardrobe this week. Nice to see them having some fun and gelling and definitely preferred this weeks performance to that from previous weeks. Very fun and upbeat and thought the vocals comments were a bit harsh as it didnt seem particularly disharmonious to me. I am assumimg they were singing live though to be honest im looking up and down from the keyboard. Think they may be safe.

Rebecca Ferguson – Bugger me she's been stealing jewellery from Pat form eastenders, she's gonna have earlobes like a jungle tribeswoman by the end of the night, tie em in a bow under your chin stylee. Otherwise quite funky styling. Liked the top and hair, understated but spot on. As for the song, well I can't fault her voice its true and she looks more confident and less shy with each week that goes by but someone needs to get her moving. I can't get excited about a singing statue. A good performance and definitely one of the best voices out there but cmon girl even just try jiggling your hips a bit.

TreyC Cohen – Trayke also appears to have rounded up some strays from the local house of dominion, dressed them in some zebra skins from her sojourn on the african plains and encased them in some scaffolding for their own safety. Bad welding though, they escaped quite quick. Didnt like her styling, why take a dress designed for a diva song and turn it into a hoodie? WTF, shes now all set to go to the cabaret and then engage in some B&E on the way home. And has anyone pointed out to Louis when he said he couldnt find anything wrong...I could...lipstick on her teeth! As usual though a powerful performance with strong vocal ability but seemed a bit middle of the road for me after some of the stuff already done. Shame really cos despite the bottom 2 (which surprised me) I loved last weeks stuff from her.

OOOOOOOH Matt C'mon baby !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh very heck bad song choice - Danni you're fired

I loved his performance it was ace!! xx

Matt Cardle – Brave boy doing Leona.....you know what I mean. Run of the mill styling. Suit n tie, easy to do no real effort, he's getting big now might be nice to see them do something a bit more exciting with his wardrobe instead of shirts or suits week in week out. Looking at his hair I can't help thinking they crowbar that hat off his head just before they shove him on stage and hope he gets through the song before the elastic in the headband pings him back offstage and under the cap again. Definate hat head. Good performance and did well with a difficult song but like Louis wasnt as impressed as last week. Think the pre song vid shows him struggling and don't think he had nailed it as much as he would have liked.




Wagner – seriously Louis! V!!!!! Its not just a crap marvel film adaptation its how you pronounce the first letter of the man's name. I think he's doing it to be an irritating c**t now. Unlike others he appears to have been down the local monastery for his back up singers. The same guys from Bohemian Rhapsody are still going strong apparently. Not sure of that monastery's hiring practices though as it appeared the monks were either skeletons under their robes or taking their vows of poverty a little too seriously, pick a theme already! Ok I'm trying to avoid reviewing his song here cos I know he's popular but..........sorry its crap. Acey costume, Had to laugh at makeup and suit. However, vocals were appalling. Out of time, out of tune and apparently in a language as yet hither unknown to man. However, I am sure we will see him next week as a tin ear can still win out over common sense

Totally agree with the Wagner review, he's such a ball ache, if I had them lol xx

Paije Richardson – very pleased to see the Rihanna ever growing beehive has gained a bit of height. Double your height by the final...p-please! Despite topping off his tux with one of the Hef's silk hankies as a scarf tonight was a good look for him, far less ridiculous. As usual a powerful soulful performance and you can see he is becoming a powerful singer. Still seems to be catching his breath a bit as they mentioned in last weeks show but held it together well and loved the song, suited him totally. Best performance of the contest for him so far

Katie Wastrel – Oh joy Ms 'Quirky's' here. In a chair from Ikea and some dodgy white makeup stolen from a woman in my local town centre who actually uses it the other 364 days of the year. Hair by Helena Bonham Carter or Dannii-mess with electricity and water-Minogue and dress by Bacofoil. Local skeletons chucked out of monastery for eating the bishop and have taken up the sax. Song actually ok ish but way overwhelmed by all the stupidity of her wardrobe, actually struggled to concentrate on the vocals due to the overwhelming urge I had to nip over and wipe the tippex off her face. Think the song suited her and they are probably hitting the right tone with her songs now but I am back to the early weeks irritation with the eyebrows and can't be objective

One Direction – Can see how the makeup was meant to be halloweeny but I couldn't help thinking they all had a corking case of conjunctivtis. Not attractive. More virus than vamp tbh. Otherwise styling wise not too bad but how hard can it be to dress 5 teen boys in hoodies, jeans and boots! Pretty good song though I have to say I don't think their voices were totally strong enough to carry off a Bonnie Tyler song but a pleasant enough version of it if you discount the strength of the original and give them a break for having only been together a month or two. Im sure once their balls drop they will have that bit more power. Still one of my faves




Chimp....Er Cher Lloyd – Does anyone else watch the pre song vids and get the impression theres not much going on behind the eyes. She sounds like a drugged up stoner. Im probably being harsh but its hard to follow her, maybe I am getting old. If she wins there is going to have to be a lot of work on her PR stuff. That said she suited tonight's styling, toned down on the chav and looking classy and grown up though the low lighting was a cheat, almost a wuthering heights neg version. But i've been saying for weeks that despite liking her act I wanted to see her just stand and sing and she definitely didn't disappoint. And once the monkey walking and uberchavness was removed I was really really impressed. For me if she went towards acts like this in future I think she really could be a star.

Excellent review as usual Mario, I can't get past Cher being a gobby chav though shes go a face I just want to slap!

i have to say i thought cher was fantastic tonight ,,, her " emotion " took over though

Omg wagner was shockingly shit!x I couldnt hear or understand him but he will end up staying!x

Just chuckled my way through this!

The only ones who stand out for me are one direction, Matt and Cher (but for all the wrong reasons, yak yak Cher)

And my Wagner! How dare you diss the Wagner!! Hes a star!!

Does anyone else think that when Aiden smiled he looked like Gok Won??

Lol have we converted you suse?

Hehe - you got me, I have watched it this week (so I could see what you were on about ) xx

Lol did the review make more sense this week then? No i just thought he looked vaguely feral when he smiled

It did and I applaude you - you should do it for a living!!!

Lol nah, tbh i struggled this week, was hard going. Gonna get harder to poke fun at em as the weeks go on and they improve more n more. Unless they keep private pile in, he's a good source of inspiration

Ooooh ecky thump

Katie Wastrel and Belle Amie left in bottom

See the numpty vote got wagner through again, sorry girls x

Oooooh louis wimped out

DEADLOCK!!!