Hey guys,

Wonder what you all think to this?
Tommy's dad and i split up about 4 years ago, we broke up and within 3 days he'd moved another woman into my house, But reckens that he didn't cheat on me (yer sure lol)
Anyway they are still together and i'm totally over the crap, but he is going away for 3 weeks to Canada with work.
He has told me that his oh will have Tommy as normal during the week. We have 50/50 custody so Tommy stays with his dad twice in the week.

Well tbh i dont know if i want her to have Tommy if his dad isn't there! Is that stupid of me?
Nothing against her, I just don't see why i should send him?
I know that the ex thinks he's helping as i go to college for a couple of hours the evenings Tommy see's his dad, but even so. My oh is always home with Charlie the nights i'm at college anyway so would have Tommy in a heartbeat. Is that hypocritical? That its ok for my oh to have him but not the ex's oh.

I haven't said anything as yet, but he has only told me this today and he is due to go on Tuesday aparently.

Give it to me straight if you think i'm being a dick please lol!

i think you are totally right haha why on earth would you want his other half looking after your son when your ex isnt there - i dont think its offensive or rude i just dont really know that its anything to do with her (although i suppose she has been in his life for 4 years)...hm

If I was in your boots - I'd not be sending Tommy!

I totally agree that while you don't mind sending him when his dad is there - its not the same at all just being her!

I wouldn't send him!

The big difference is you and your oh have a child together and he is a massive part of TOmmy's life, while I'm not doubting you exs oh sees him regularly and everyhing it definately isn't the same!

hun i wouldnt let rich go, but it you want a legal point of view.

just in case there was an accident she couldnt sign for treatment at the hosptial, till you got there, she doesnt have parental responsibility.

what does tommy say, he may like her, maybe he can go for tea at the weekends or soemthing instead, he may say he doesnt want to go.

Thanks!

Clare i haven't spoke to Tommy about it as yet, Think his dad is telling him this weekend.
I now need to find a way to tell the ex!

TBH I'm surprised that she still expects Tommy to go around when his dad isn't there. I mean if my hubby wasn't going to be here I wouldn't expect to see my step daughter - not because I wouldn't want to, far from it - but it just wouldn't cross my mind.

I think it's really down to you whether you let him go or not, if you don't feel comfortable then don't send him hun xxx

there is no way on earth i would be happy to do that if i were in that situation. Even if she is lovely etc etc, she is not family and your ex has 50% rights - not her xx

why should you send him? His dad has 50/50 custody not her. if he's not there then you'll be doing nothing wrong.

Kell

do what feels right for you and tommy and bugger anyone elses feelings. By the sound of it you'd be happier letting jody have him.... So I'd go with that XXXXXXX

I would follow your instinct, its fine not to want him to go , I would feel the same but if Tommy wants to see her, you could let her have him for an hour or so for a meal or something.

Honestly? I'm gonna go completely against the grain here but I think if he wants to go and she is happy to have him then you should allow it.

This woman has been in Tommys life 50% of the time for the last 4 years, she will have been playing the role of parent along with your OH and likely will have built up a good relationship with Tommy. To say she isn't family after being in his life so much is wrong. Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world (from experience even harder than being a parent) and respect where it is due, if this woman is happy to look after Tommy then she should be given the opportunity. Don't get me wrong hun - I completely understand your feelings, our children precious to us and the thought of a 'stranger' looking after them isn't at all comfortable but what you have to remember is that although she may not be anything to you she is to all intents and purposes Tommy's step mum.

Whilst I understand what Clare says about 'parental responsibilty' in case of an emergency, it would be the same case if your OH was looking after him without you there.

Tbh if it was me in her position and I was happy to look after my OH son and he was happy to be with me then I would be pretty pi$$ed if I was suddenly told I wasn't allowed. Look at it this way hun (please don't take offence) if your ex turned round to you and said he was unhappy with Tommy being left alone with your OH how would you feel? and how would your OH feel?

The way I would approach it (just my opinion) is I would first of all ask your ex and his partner if she is happy to have him. You may find she would be relieved not to have the responsibilty and also have some time to do her own thing but at least she would be given the option. Then I would ask Tommy if he is happy with the situation. If either one is uncomfortable with it then keep him with you. However if they are both happy with it then I would carry on with your routines as normal.

Just out of interest hun (please tell me to mind my own if you want) what is your relationship with her like? i.e. are you able to speak to each other comfortably if you call to check how he is etc? if not it may make things more difficult and it's something that would need to be discussed.

Just a few thoughts there hun, I don't think you are a dick at all - your feelings are perfectly understandable but as a step mother (to be) myself I have been in her position and just wanted to give the other point of view.

xx

i have to say i agree with what debs has said!

it would obviously depend on how ur relationship and ur sons relationship is with her, firstly id ask ur son if he wants to go and if he does then i would let him it doesnt even have to be the 2 nights cud jst be the 1 if he didnt want to stay both without his dad
but if he wants to go then i dont see the harm, like debs said she has been in his life for 4 yrs so its not like she is a new gf!
i would only agree to him stayin though if you know u can phone and check how he is etc

I'm all for consistency and if Tommy is happy to go (he is old enough to have a say) then I would keep his routine as normal rather than disrupt him.

As for the parental responsibility I guess you could write her a note to use to say it is okay for her to act in an emergency until you get there as much as you would if he was going off on a school trip.

Thanks for the other point of view debs, its what i was after.

I wouldn't say i have a relationship with her tbh, If she picks Tommy up from me i'll talk to her but its usually only about Tommy, his school or anything that i feel his dad needs to know.

I understand the 'step mom' point of view, my oh has a son (another Tommy just to confuse things lol) and i am as close to a step mum as he will ever have, but i know in no uncertain terms that i would never be 'allowed' to look after him. i have been a part of his life for 3 years and well its just how things are with his mum.

I don't know how my ex has put things to her tho, It almost sounds by his messages that she thinks she's doing me a favour, which is not the case at all. I am obviously happy for him to stay with me, I am his mum after all!
I just feel strange about the whole thing. Not that i don't trust that she will take care of him, but more that its not her responsibility and if his dad's not there why would i send Tommy there?

Another thing is that his dad has worked away from home for weeks at a time prior to this and it was never even suggested that Tommy stay with her. So i'm a bit confused as to why it is now i suppose.

All i can do is speak with Tommy and see what he wants, He is my main concern not what i want or what his dad wants at this point.

I have to agree with Debs too,
It bugs me being a step-mom of 5 years and not being able to even pick the children up from their mums house if need be,
I am not even allowed to take them on an outing with their baby sister if their dad isnt there and i am a trained teaching assistant, but yet their mother lets them stay with a man she as been with for 2 years,
Doesnt make sence really,
But i would say go with what Tommy wants, If he wants to stay with her let him, gives you a break and if you know he is safe then there is no reason not to allow it,
Hope you manage to sort things out hun x

do u get on with her? to be fair, he aint going with a stranger and if she moved in with ur ex so fast then shes most likely been a part of ur dudes life to the same extent ur oh is now?

id ask the wean to be fair. of course ur ex's misses too lol!! before i made ne decision id ask the child. if she is happy to have him, it does give u the time for college and ur oh his space/ and it also keeps his wee routine the same ??

then again, if its never been done before how bout u compromise and allow the 1 day? just to test the water?!

It's such a difficult situation hun. Maybe she thinks she would look a biatch by saying she doesn't want him there so has agreed to it so nobody gets hurt (inc Tommy if he was to feel she didn't want him). I would honestly approach your ex and say that you don't feel comfortable putting all the responsibilty on her and you will probably find she will be relieved. She may also be doing it to keep your ex happy, in my own experience if I was to turn round to my OH and say I didn't want his daughter here when he wasn't here then he would (and has) immediately jump on the defensive as if I was slagging his kid off (totally not the case). She is actually in a tough position herself coz she is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't and tbh probably isn't bothered either way. She may appreciate maybe taking Tommy for dinner one night a week or something, like the other ladies have suggested, and it might be nice for Tommy so he knows that they haven't just abandoned him (if you know what I mean).

Like you say though hun - it should always be about what is best for the children so ask Tommy what he wants and take his lead. His dad can't argue with his opinion if he says he would rather stay home with you and it takes the stress off you.

Hope some of that made sense

xx

Is this the first time he's gone since you've been in college? x

LOL thanks debs! Yes it did!

Kayleigh, yep it will be the first time since starting college.

Maybe he really does think he's doing you a favour then! It sounds like he just doesn't want to let you down x

i think the best thing u can do really is ask tommy what he wants to do and if he wants to go then give ur exs mrs a phone and ask if she really wants to take him make it clear its no difference to you and that you are more than happy to keep him and if she still wants him then i wud send him but u may find she has only agreed to take him cos ur ex has mayb asked her thinking he is helping you out so she may be relieved not to have to take him if u get what i mean lol

Its really hard im not sure if u said how long ur partners been with the other ladie. I would understand if its along term thing and you now her etc.
But if not then personally i wouldnt let my child go xx