First topic message reminder :

Well it's happened. Dave and I are over. After having been together for 4.5 years and engaged for nearly 3 he ended it all last night. Apparently we don't have anything in common and we don't make each other happy. He doesn't want to work at it and won't see Relate or talk to anyone. So that's it. He seems to think he can continue to live in the house with us until the house is sold. I've told him to dream on as there is no way I can have him living with us as if everything is the same. I still love him and it would kill me. I've asked him to move into his Mum's (where he'd have his own room and en-suit). The sticking point is that to run our house (mortgage, bills, and contracts we can't get out of) would leave me with £30 a month and he's saying that he doesn't want and cannot afford to pay for a house he doesn't live in. Which is fair enough but he made this decision, not me.

hun i dont really know what to say just sending you big cuddles and a very big gracie kiss and snuggle, I know it feels like your world is ending right now but you will pick yourself up and he will see what he has lost given a bit of time he may even come begging for your forgivness.

looking buff in everysense of the word might make him look good / feel good but it wont change the person he is hun and from this post a week before christmas he isnt a very nice one at the moment. Could he be confused and having an extreamly early midlife crises as they say and he wants to remember life before having a family and bills that he had to commit too.

i know im not much help so sending you all my love today xxxxx

I agree with suzi. I think men can have a 'crisis' of sorts after having a baby and crave freedom again. I know countless people who have split within the 1st 3 years of having a child. Many of them I would never have seen coming. It does seem to be that men suddenly want to act like they 21 again, and imo it doesnt help when they have single mates. I dont think any of the women were silly or nieve to have children with these men, I dont think you can predict how they react to parenthood.

Women can crave a throw back to the pre nappy days but generally can get it out of their system by having a night out on the town every few months. Some men though seem to go the full hog and want to be out every night, flirting, dating, being a lad again.

The sad fact is Dave hasnt realised he will never get that lifestyle back. He will always have a financial commitment to amelia, and to the mortgage until thats sorted. He will always have to put amelia first and commit to seeing her on a regular basis. If he starts a new relationship it wont be as easy as it was before, any serious relationship he enters into will have to be with someone who is suitable for Amelia and also with someone who is accepting of him paying £££ to you and having his 8 year old stay at weekends etc. It wont be like turning back the clock 4 years. He may realise what a prat he has been in 6 mths time when he gets bored but would you really want him back? Would you always be worrying he would decide he wasnt happy again?

I dont mean to sound negative about new relationships and kids. Just wanted to illustrate that I dont think Dave has thought this through.... x

Oh Lisa so sorry. I know it won't help but you will be ok Hun!

As for help, I'd speak to your mortgage lenders, the shoul be able to help you, maybe drop to interest only for a little while?
You will get discount on council tax and also tax credit and working tax credit. I don't know about any more.

Like the ladies have said he has a duty to provide for his daughter. Even with seeing her 50% of the time he should be giving you a proportion of his wage. There is a calculator on csa website I'm sure it'll be around £50 a week.

I too can't understand why he would want to stay in the house, more than anything I can't understand why he would want to hurt you by doing that.
I'm so so sorry xxxx

I am so sorry its come to this, I feel like he has given up on you and Amelia and its really upset me that he can do this to you..and now of all the worst times to pick.

Do you think he is having a 'mid life crisis'? As in trying to experience being young, free and single again and obviously sees you both as stopping that? Did he have the usual late teens/early 20s mad few years we all should have to get sleeping around and getting pissed over and done with? I only ask becasue good friends of ours were together since school, and although he was happy, she ended it to do the whole young single thing, but she still wanted him in that she couldn't bear him to go out with anyone else!

I don't know if that would be a good or bad thing even

Sending hugs, cant write more as miss moo is shouting me from next door

I put Amelia's present in the post but I wish I'd brought it round this week now...so a)i could land a punch on Daves nose and b)tell you its going to be ok

xx

Im so sorry, I have to say my 1st thought was is he having some kind of mid life crisis too. Im thinking when he gets it out his system he will be regretting his decision.xxxx (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Hunni I am so sorry - I was truely hoping that you could work things out and I'm so sad it has ended this way . Please remember we are all here for you whenever you need and like Grace and a few others, I'm not too far away in 'real life' either so anything you need please ask.

I'm not going to comment on Dave because I don't know him but as a parent he has to provide a roof over Amelia's head. He should continue to pay at least half of the mortgage until the property is sold. He is also obliged to pay you 'mainainence' to provide for Amelia which, like Penny says is a % of his income if you know his salary you can use this: http://www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/calculator.asp to calculate what he should pay you. You should also recieve a 25% reduction in your council tax for single occupancy (Amelia doesn't count until she is 18). Have a look at direct.gov and the child maintenence options websites as there is a lot of info there for you. I wouldn't advise going to the CSA personally as you might not see any money for a long time but if you can work out amicably what Dave will pay each month (using the calculator) and you trust him to do it then you could put together a private contract with a solicitor. Surely his mum wouldn't let him not pay anything towards Amelia whilst living under her roof?

Hunni I hope you are ok and you and gorgeous Amelia can still enjoy your Christmas. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

xx

Aww Hun, I'm so sorry, it's heartbreaking, but it will get easier I promise. Legally he as an obligation to continue paying the mortgage as it's joint whether he wants to or not. If you have the money get to see a solicitor and get a formal separation order in place and the financial side sorted. He has to provide shelter and food by law to Amelia until she's 18 so he can't just walk away. I know I'm a long way away but if there's anything I can do let me know xxxx

MY SIL and her hubby have an arrangement whereby til there house is sold he pays the mortgage but she doesnt get any child support fom him, but she is happy with tha, once the house is sold, he will pay 20% thats the maximum they will take off him,

but this doesnt include any bonus he gets.
for eg, his wage is 80% salary and the last 20% is comission so they dont count that xx

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear this.

I cant believe he has given up on your relationship. I really hope he moves out and has some time away and comes to his senses!

On the practical side, you will be entitled to more tax credits and possibly income support, on top of maintenance from Dave.

I know you probably dont want to be looking at this now, but here is a link where you can find out all of the money you are entitled to:
http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx
At least you can get the ball rolling financially so you dont find that side of things more difficult.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

xx

Lisa, I am so sad and sorry to read your post. I always thought that you and Dave would come through this rough patch.

It is never a nice time to break up but I can't believe he has done it, 5 days before Christmas. You deserve so much better.

Don't forget I am only half an hour away and am always there for you.

Take care honey and bigs hugs to Amelia.

xx

Lisa.......Im gutted!!!!

It all sounds very familiar though to my ex-husband.....he ended it, walked, and said he couldnt afford to pay any bills, any mortgage, and also said he wouldnt be paying his debts either.....and 'when they phone our house, tell them to try and find me' .........really nice bloke!!!!

Anyway like Mandy says, he has to pay his half of the mortgage at least, and maintenance towards Amelia.

I would remind him that this isnt your choice, so why should you AND his daughter suffer!!!

Im sorry, but BE A FOOKIN MAN !!!!!

Huge hugs, ad I promise you that YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS !! Im not far away, so i will give you a few weeks, and then I will come up (or you come here) and we can put the world to rights over a cup of tea, and a fairy cake or 10 xxxxxxx

Oh Lisa, I am sat here in tears right now - I'm so so sorry it has come to this, I honestly thought that you two would be fine.

The other ladies have given some great advice, I just wish I would give you a huge hug

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lisa hunny i'm so sorry.

But what a div!!!!!!!! Sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis but it's no damn excuse.

Oh huni I'm so so so sorry!

Big big big hugs and kisses xxxxxx

Lisa
Sorry to hear this, especially at this time of the year - get angry, i can imagine your devastated but believe me getting angry helps move forward...
If his name is on the mortgage he is liable for at least 50%
Get yourself to cab.. he will also have to give you child maintenence which you can work out on csa website, based on his salary. Take advise before he moves out, don't you move out not even for a couple of days - and dont leave amelia with him while you go for an overnight rest ie sleep at mums etc!! its classed as abandonment and basically you've left him the house and responsibility for the child.
You have to be extra careful legally, I threatened to move out for a night and leave boys with their dad and a solicitor screamed at me not too

My oh did same to me Aug 07, decided he needed a break - His female boss consoled the poor prick - guess who he lives with now.

Lisa, am so so sorry its come to this.
We are always here for you.
He's obviously living in cloud coo-coo land if he thinks he can stay in the house until it sell, and just carry on as normal
Wish we could be there to give you big squishy cuddles hunny

Thank you all, I can't even put into words how much you all and all of your support means to me. You're all such amazing people and I love you all to bits.

From his reaction last night there is no way I could see him shrugging any of his responsibility with Amelia. He'd have her 100% of the time if he could. She's a MASSIVE part of his world and he loves her more than words. It's me and our relationship that he doesn't want.

I don't know whether this is some sort of "midlife crisis" or not. I just think that he believes relationships should be rosy 99% of the time. I'm far from perfect, I argue and I'm sensitive and a bit (well a lot now!) insecure, but who's not?! I think he loves me because I'm Amelia's Mummy and we've been through a lot but he's not in love with me any more. He doesn't want to put the effort into making a relationship work if it doesn't come easily.

I can't paint a picture of him being awful and horrible because he's not. He's always pulled his weight around the house and we've had some really lovely times. His fault is that he won't talk and lies by ommission.

We sort of came to an agreement that if he were to move out (but he says he doesn't want to) then if I were to pay £250 into his account every month then he would continue to pay the rest of the mortgage and bills but nothing towards Amelia. I think this is actually fair as by calculating what I'd get in maintainance It'd top it up to half of all bills and mortgage. I know I can afford this too as it's pretty much what happens now. I'm going to be pushing for this arrangement.

I spoke to my Mum about what will happen once we sell the house and she's suggested that we find somewhere to rent together as a stop gap. So that makes me feel a bit more secure in as much as I'm not going to have to find somewhere awful on my own as I don't think I'd get any help with housing.

Does anyone know anything about how to get help with housing and what the eligability is? x

I don't know much about it, but pretty sure you wont be able to put your name on the council house list while owning a home, so its catch 22 with that.

Private renting though you'd probably need to have a couple of months rent at least ready in case it took a while for the housing benefit to come through - how much you get depends on the area and your earnings so you'd need to ask the council what you could have. I have absolutely no idea what you would be looking at getting though.

Would the arrangement of you paying £250 and him paying nothing towards Amelia leave you with a reasonable amount to live on? Seeing as the housing market is pretty bad right now I can see you being there a while waiting to sell.

im really gutted for you hun, esp just before christmas.
big hugs and you will be ok xxx

Best bet is cab, I was married which generally means the same, but because I had a mortgage they weren't much help, if you go interest only on your mortgage you can claim housing benefit to pay mortgage. if you sold up you could get on council list and get a property that way, or go into private rent, then claim hb to help. Depends on your earnings as to what you get!
He has to pay until A leaves ft education..
I have 2 kids by my ex hubby Darren, I'm in the house, paying mortgage with James, house belongs to me and Darren,, as part of our divorce he cannot legally make me sell the house or buy him out till Owen (6) leaves ft ed . He gives me £300 maintenance. We do plan to buy him out in the next yr or so, just to finalise the divorce

Not sure how it works not being married sorry if this is useless

Sorry if this sounds untrusting, I'd make the payment to him after you know all the bills have cleared payment, so a week or so later. He might be being nice now but things change very quickly!!

Yes it does Lisa, I pay in between £200 and £300 a month anyway and I pay for all of Amelia's stuff and all food and meals out/take aways. It's a bit tight but I can deffo so it. Plus it's Dave that runs up most of the houshold bills anyway, he uses a rediculous amount of water and electric!

I just did a very basic calculation assuming I was privately renting in this house it said I wouldn't have to pay any council tax and I'd get about £500 towards my rent! Surely that can't be right, that seems like a hell of a lot to be getting!

Emma I think we'd be classed as common law parteners as we've lived together for over 3 years. So a pretty similar arrangement in the eyes of the law, I think x

You'd probably be entitled to more tax credits as a lone parent, I know you work and have one child, but I recommend you try and claim everything your entitled too! You might not always get it all but worth a shot...

You'd probably be entitled to more tax credits as a lone parent, I know you work and have one child, but I recommend you try and claim everything your entitled too! You might not always get it all but worth a shot...