Where do i start - I posted a while ago about head banging, have tried all the advice but nothing's working - I feel like it's getting worse.

I have to say, 90% of the time Milo is a fantastic kid, he's kind, caring, funny, generous, so kind to his friends, shares well, hugs his friends, my friends, never hits anyone (apart from me and his dad!) rarely throws tantrums in public..

but at home it's a different matter. If things don't go exactly his way, he'll punch me, slap me, kick me, and bang his head on the floor/wall/anything hard. The head banging really gets to me as he does it so hard. I've tried ignoring it but he will not stop. My oh made me ignore it the other day, and Milo carried on banging his head for 5 minutes. That may not sound so long, but when it's your baby hurting themselves it feels f***ing long! My oh had to hold me back from going to him as I couldn't bear to hear it.

If I pick him up to distract him or calm him down he scratches, kicks, bites, punches me (and my poor tummy) If I try to distract him with a toy he throws it at me hard - I have bruises! He picked up and threw his ride on truck thing at me - I can barely pick that up these days!

If i try to make him settle for his nap (he won't go down alone) again he bites, punches, kicks. I am in tears at least three times a day trying to deal with this, trying to stop him hurting himself and keep my bump safe.. I'm not coping very well.

Things that trigger this:
He sees his plate of food but I don't give it too him right away (as it's piping hot, for eg) he'll run head first into a wall, and bang his head so hard over and over. As above, will kick punch and scream if I pick him up to calm him down.
If I tell him no for anything, even in a calm, kind voice.
If I stop him doing something dangerous, try to get him dressed.. you get the idea.

My reaction is getting worse. I've tried ignoring him, but he doesn't stop, just gets worse and worse to get my attention. I've tried raising my voice. It gets worse. I've tried hugging him to calm him down - I get beaten up. Distraction is hit and miss. I am in tears so much every day because I feel like a terrible mum for him getting like this, and I have no idea how to cope
Please help! Some days I just want to run away, and when the head banging starts it's like this panic comes over me and I can't think straight. I'm such an idiot

I need to cope with this and I'm failing really badly - please help!

Oh Hun sorry you are going through this. It's very common for kids to do this as the cannot communicate with words like we can and they get frustrated because of it. I'm sorry I can't give any real advice. One tip I learn about the food thing is put their plate in freezer or fridge before you serve up and it cools food quicker. Xxx

Thanks hun. I feel stupid for complaining about it but I really don't know what to do. Like just now - he wouldn't settle for his nap this afternoon so he fell asleep on me about 15 mins ago - and just now woke up screaming and punching, kicking if i tried to soothe him, if I put him down he's screaming and head butting everything in sight. I'm only writing it now as my oh has taken over (and boy is he pissed at me because i can't cope with it! ) and I can hear milo smacking his head off the walls in the over room. This is freaking me out!
Tried distracting him, it didn't working, holding him didn't work, and it sounds like ignoring it isn't working either. If this was just once a day i could cope but it's 5, 6 times a day! I feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown

Thomas went through a similar stage when I was pg with Hannah - Im not sure if it is an age thing or a pregnancy related thing or a bit of both . The only way I could deal with him if he kicked off was to put him in his cot and shut the door. I would sit outside listening to him and feel like I was losing the plot at times but it was safer for me, bump and him this way. I would go in every 5 minutes and reasure him I was still there but show no reaction and if he carried on I would leave again.

If it was a case of bum changing/getting dressed etc where it HAD to be done I used to have to turn him round and jam his head between my legs and do it upside down so as to protect bump from kicking. If he got extremely bad I would actually pin his arms under my legs and just sit there holding him down till he calmed down (could take a while some days ). Probably sounds brutal but I wasn't hurting him - just restraining him. It's not ideal but it did tend to work.

I also put the food in the fridge/freezer to cool it down quicker too.

I know how hard it is hun but I kind of have to agree with your OH - leave him to it. Make a 'safe' place (cot/playpen/travel cot etc) where you put him when he goes into one and just walk away (where he cant see you) no matter how hard he head butts a cot/travelcot he isn't gonna do himself too much damage and it's better this than hurting bump.

Thomas still does the head butting thing now if he doesn't get his own way but I just ignore it and he stops - it is purely for attention/reaction.

Good luck hun - I know how hard it is. If it's any consolation Thomas was a completely different kid within days of his sister being born (which is why I think it's pg related), they seem to pick up on the fact that we are very protective of bump and while they don't really grasp the fact that there is a baby in there they do know something is 'special' about bump and can get a little jealous. Also we are different during pg, hormones, tired, moods etc and they pick up on this too.

xx

Its really tricky, i partially agree with the ignoring but is there a safe place you can put him? So if hes headbutting or punching and kicking you could put him in a cot or playpen where at least he is confined til he calms down a bit then once he is calmer remove him and explain why he was put there and give him a cuddle.

I only ask cos i gave up on naughty corner with c cos i have to physically hold her in the corner but now i put her in the hall with the gate shut then once her time is up i meet her at the gate and explain to her then we have cuddles, for her its for naughtiness but for milo sounds like could do with being for his own safety too

It does sound a lot like frustration to me and ihope once he is speaking more he might be able to express himself more calmly. Does he do any kind of signing?

As for the no, c gets told no once, if she goes on again she gets told ive said no and im not saying it again then after that if she demands i just dont answer just remove whatever it is and leave her to paddy about it, once she gets bored of it we find something else to do

Sorry thats not great advice i just hope you manage to find a solution cos its gonna get harder as you get bigger

Think i was posting same time as deb but deffo agree with her about the safe place and also about the acting out when pg, C is generally good but lately has been a lil beggar and i think its cos im different, im tired and grumpy and dont move well so shes picked up on that and is misbehaving because of it. I think the idea of putting him somewhere safe where he knows you are nearby but letting him get it out of his system is best tbh.

Nappy changing ive found distraction a godsend, C is obsesed with wetwipes and as long as she has one to play with is good as gold so she gets a wipe at every change. Mind you she was never awful at changing just a little wriggly so i dont know if this would work for you xx

ok, i am totally stealing both of yours ideas about plates and fridges - genius, the pair of you!

See i think part of the problem is lack of safe place to put him. He doesn't sleep in his cot anymore as he can climb out of it, , he sleeps on a futon next to ours and sleeps a million times better which is good, but nowhere to put him at times like these He can also knock over/climb out of his playpen I would be so happy to leave him to calm down if i knew he wasn't in running-and-head butting distance of a wall! i'm taking bets on whether 1) he'll knock himself out 2) the neighbours will get us kicked out 3) our house will fall down.

I'm gonna have to get my thinking cap on for this.
thanks for the inspiration!

Lol turn his cot upsidedown and stick him under it x

Distraction at nappy change did sometimes work for Thomas but it had to be something really special like a biscuit or chocolate etc - I actually used to buy a packet of biscuits which were purely for bums changes - not healthy but desperate times call for desperate measures

However if Milo is as bad as Thomas was (he sounds that way) then once he has reached a point in his frenzy there is no going back so it's either in the cot or if you are trying to get out of the house on time - the upside down restraining method. It's still not easy - and a fine art to put a nappy on an upside down frenzied toddler whilst sporting a huge bumpage but it can be done

Definately ignore and reasure though hun.

xx

oops Mario, posted at the same time. Yeah, he probably is sensing something is odd. I just need a safe place to put him, going to have to work out where he cant escape from

Good luck with that hon xxx

Do you have anywhere you can strap him down? Highchair/car seat/straightjacket? basically something that restrains him and you can walk away from knowing he isn' going to do 'much' damage to himself or others?

Failing that just restrain him yourself - I know Zee used to do it with Ollie where she sat with him between her legs facing away and holding him tight but with bump ever growing it's not safe because he will throw his head back into bump. Do try lying him between your legs though hun and holding him tight (no eye contact, talking or reaction) I know the thought of it sounds harsh but it's keeping him and you safe.

xx

marioandthestuntbubs wrote:

Lol turn his cot upsidedown and stick him under it x

Good thinking Batman! I'm on it!

Debs, thanks for all the ideas! I'm going to try safety proofing his cot so he can't climb out (it was clearly not designed for half monkey/half mountain goat babies!) or bang his head on any of the corners. Yesterday I was one step away from bubble wrapping the entire bloody room, actually still might do that if nothing else works! I'll also try some restraining tricks like you said. He sounds a lot like Thomas, in that once he gets started, he can't calm himself down and just needs to work through it. I just hope I can get him to work through it without hurting himself or bump. Love the straightjacket idea! We don't have a car seat or high chair, so it's either that or tape

Sorry for the huge rant, it's all been a bit for the last few days, I just hate that it upsets me so much, because then I know I can't deal with it as well as I should. Flipping hormones! Thanks so much for all the advice!

<-- change that to say women!

I've cracked it! Cot didn't work so tried lying him on the bed, and restraining him pretty gently, but so he couldn't kick me or bump. He freaked out for about 30 seconds then calmed down, gave me a big hug and went back to playing with a big smile! Had to do it about 3 times today, but each time went really well, so huge thanks to all of you!

thats great news hope it continues x

So glad you sorted it hun

If it makes you feel any better I used to bang my head on the floor and throw wild tantrums as a child with no lasting damage (you all might tell me differently )

I now know my bad behaviour was out of frustration and boredom because mum didn't do much with us during the day. I also used to wake up every night because I wasn't tired enough and my mind hadn't been stimulated.

Just a thought, try wearing Milo out regularly and see if that reduces the tantrums.

Thanks Gill! There's a really fine line with Milo, of course if he's bored (like when I had morning sickness) he was acting up a lot out of boredom. So of course now I'm feeling better, I try wearing him out on a daily basis, we go for lots of walks/chasing the neighbourhood cats, we drop in at the kids centre and play (usually no-one else there though, but at least there's different toys/books etc to use). And of course, if he's worn out, he starts head banging/throwing tantrums

There's such a fine line between not doing enough (which I hate too!) and doing too much (which is more fun for me, but sometimes too tiring for him maybe?) but I think that's all natural. I also think as it's just me and my oh around, it would be more stimulating if we were around more family more of the time, but that's not possible at the moment. At least I've worked out the triggers that set him off, and a lot of it seems to be frustration - he can see his food, but can't eat it as it's too hot/still in the pan, he doesn't want to get out of the bath but has too etc.. but as his speaking gets better I'm sure that will fix itself.

Having said all that, this afternoon we're off to assist with a Toddler's English class at my old work again, which is great fun, then off to see friends and their kids tomorrow for the day which Milo will love. It's going to be a fun weekend!

And he's sleeping so perfectly now, 12 solid hours a night with no night wakings! Never thought we would be so lucky

omg i just read this post....i am now trembling in fear of toddlerhood

So you should be lol

Kat just on the bath thing have you tried timed warnings. I do this a lot with C at playtime or bathtime when its gonna be cut short and i kno a tantrums gonna follow. 5 mins before i say '5 more minutes then baths finished'......2 mins-'2 more mins til baths finished'....1 mins '1 more min til baths finished' then finish up with 'Bathtime all one now say bye bye to your crayons'. She says bye bye to her toys and we get out. Saves SOOOOOOOOOO many tears

Dunno if its worth a try or not?