My daughter MJ likes to steal from her brother and I'm stuck as to what to do? I've tried the naughty step and tried sending her to her room.

She eats all her food really fast then steals Drews even though I have said not to.

Take today....

Drew had just woken up from a nap so I gave him a small handful of Quavers. MJ hasn't had any as she had a plum earlier when Drew was asleep (we do breakfast, snack, lunch, snack if they want it (Drew often does MJ doesn't as she's still full from lunch), then dinner) I explained to MJ that when she was a baby she got a small snack after her nap to tide her over until 12pm for lunch. Drew is sat on the floor happily munching when MJ goes over and picks up a quaver and I said no he can feed himself leave him alone then I turn back to continue what I was doing then I looked around and she had stolen one and almost put it in her mouth but dropped it when she saw me watching!!

She knows it is lunch time soon, she will have her crisps with her lunch. If she has them before, then there is no incentive for her to eat her sandwiches.

It is not just the food theft it the the principle of the matter. It doesn't matter who she stole from stealing is stealing and stealing is wrong and should be punished accordingly!

She is not doing it because she is hungry, she has a huge bowl of cereal each morning for breakfast followed by a piece of fruit about an hour or 2 later same as Drew. Drew normally has breakfast, nap then snack like a piece of fruit, some grapes, a piece of cheese or (more rarely) a few Quavers.

Could it be for attention/ No matter how much attention I give her she wants more and more and more to the point where I'm actually thinking of jacking in this whole home schooling and getting her enrolled at mainstream school (even though I'll have a 4 mile mission every day. 2 miles there and back twice a day) I won't be sending her to the school next door because of all the hoo-har and upset they caused and stirring shit with my family.

I took MJ out the other day (think it was Thurs/Fri last week) and I took her to our next town across and treated her to a Starbucks strawberries and cream frappe thing with a posh cake then took her out for lunch at this lovely Spanish place and treated her to some new boots and said this was a treat for being kind to Drew and helping out Mummy but she seems so ungrateful and is determined to see how far she can push me and I'm the sort of person who can be pushed and pushed and pushed until one day I blow up and scream and I don't want to end up shouting at her and scaring her.

I really am at my wits end with her!!! I've tried the ignoring bad behaviour and rewarding the good hence the shopping trip last week but that doesn't work.

My mum said give her a jolly good slap across the back of the legs with your hand, belt or slipper that sorted out me and my sister (urmmm how about NO I don't whack my kids for misbehaviour as hitting people is wrong and I can't tell her off for hitting (she never does anyway but not the point) if I am hitting her!!!! and that is just pure cruelty!!!!)

HELLLLLLP PLEASE

hmmm its a tricky one, does she spend time with other kids her own age if she is home school'd??maybe thats what she need's to learn she cant have everything everyone else has, ie if someone has crisps she cant go over and take them, getting into trouble with teachers is a lot worse than mum
i try to make sure my 2 get their snacks at the same time, cos although he doesnt steal leo will moan 'ow why does oliver get some and i dont'!!
hmm im really not sure tbh you seem to have tried everything to stop her stealing, its probibly just a phase she will grow out of but in the meantime just carry on what your doing and telling her it is wrong!!

can i just ask what the reasons for you homeschooling are?? just wondering xx

Dills, she's only 5 - i wouldn't worry too much. Allow her a snack too.
My sons eat me out of house and home..... The have a bowl of cereal when they get in from school then dinner then cereal then bed..
IMO you can't give one a snack without the other.. If I was to give Hayden a snack, the others would be offered too. Even though they are older to me if they're hungry they eat..
As for the school.. I wouldn't trek all around the world to go to a different school if you have a reasonable one next door!.. from memory (could be wrong) it was regards her exzema wasnt it?? Kids have to be introduced to illness/disabilities to learn about them.. So if its a big obvious problem the class teacher will sit down and explain to the class that this child has this and it doesn't stop them from being a nice person.. the children are inquisitive.. not rude..
My eldest is 11.. if you have any problems with the school/teacher/other children, I find if you act in the correct manner ie: not shout your mouth off in the playground -go see the appropriate person or head mistress/master generally things get dealt with a lot more professionally. I don't believe home schooling gives a child the social skills we need in society.

That is just my opinion

Thankfully you sound like the kind of mum that doesn't just lash out on your child as again imo smacking doesn't actually solve anything.. In saying that I have slapped my 11 yr old when he has seriously crossed the line.

They do normally snack together it is just I've been up since 3:30am with a baby who is crying and refusing to sleep so when he eventually fell asleep I was like and MJ chose to eat hers whilst he was asleep and not wait.

I take MJ out to parks and places where she meet other children and I do say to her share and she is good with other kids (doesn't nick their toys etc...) it is just at home.

Emma you are right about why MJ isn't at that school. She has severe psoriasis and Excema on her scalp (she gets excema on her back and tops of her arms too) and the teacher called me after MJ had only been in class half hour to say it looked disgusting and was scaring the other children (the kids weren't bothered) and that she must have nits as she was scratching. She doesn't have nits (I'm so paranoid about bugs I check all the time. I check after every time she has been around other children. The teacher told me to pick the scabs out and when they are lose to pull them out of her hair!!!!!!!!!!! I told her you aren't suppose to "pick" them and I can't pull them all out as some are stuck to the hair and hurt her, I can pull them if I'm gentle but if a new one comes out when she is at school what am I suppose to do eh?????????????

And as everyone knows when a scab heals it itches, it is not her fault. And as other excema suffers will understand excema is itchy (I too am a sufferer) At the mo it is okay, the creams working and the shampoo (stinks) but seems to be helping. Someone mentioned stress making it worse and after the whole school incident her scalp and back was literally red raw poor thing but it has settled for now.

I can only get the cream on her if we play beauticians and she gets a massage (back and scalp) then I get my hand cream out and do her hands and put clear polish on her nails, make it all a game then she gets to put hand cream on me afterwards.

I have Seborrheic dermatitis of the scalp so I know how itchy that is sometimes (and the Dr gives me a steroid cream when that kicks off) xxxxxx

Emma'n'Hayden wrote:

My eldest is 11.. if you have any problems with the school/teacher/other children, I find if you act in the correct manner ie: not shout your mouth off in the playground -go see the appropriate person or head mistress/master generally things get dealt with a lot more professionally. I don't believe home schooling gives a child the social skills we need in society.

That is just my opinion

I wasn't shouting my mouth off and I spoke to the head teacher, she wasn't much help either. The school that is a bit of a trek has better stats anyway. I wasn't going to send her to the school next door because it was easier (I've just found out it was nearly closed down once cuz it is so crap!!!)

I'd rather my daughter go to a better school with out piece of crap teachers talking about crap they don't understand. They were saying one thing to me and another to Paul and Paul told me what they'd said and I was like errrm no.

MJ said the teacher shouted at mummy and made her cry and Paul said (and his mum, step dad and brothers agreed) why would a 5 year old make that up? I told Paul what had happened upstairs and then he spoke to MJ afterwards and she said similar things as MJw as upset too and Paul wanted to know why MJ was crying and she said it was cuz they'd made me cry

OH !! and home schooled kids are socialised very well if the persons doing the home schooling does so. There are soft play places, parks and I take MJ to a huge adventure park in Marlow (only costs £10 to get there) and the train ride is exciting and she plays with all the kids there (it is free) and the after school kids come in and she plays with them too. She is a very sociable child and gets on with everyone and we all have a jolly nice day out.
She is like my ex, can walk into a room and make friends with anyone and everyone xx

I wasn't implying you shouted your mouth off, I'm saying theres ways to approach things to get the response.. If the teacher was nasty, the head should be called, if you still wasn't happy then education board.. If the school is under acheiving then its a different story.. I don't know if you're aware but councils will fund parents that commute more than 3 miles to a school if none others are available and that is there only option. (salary based I believe)
I stated "in my opinion" home schooled are not as socialized.. MJ may be great at making friends and go to play parks etc, but at school it teaches them to assist other children, work together as a team, in groups. All the things you can't do schooling in your home on a daily basis.
To be honest I don't know where you find the time or energy.. Hayden is 22 months and is quite lively when the boys come home we sit and do their homework or reading (Owen is in Year 1 so words, numbers etc Lewis is in Year 6 so incredibly hard homework ) and Hayden drives us potty climbing all over them nicking pencils, putting cars on the table to play with etc.. As Drew gets older I think you will find it quite hard going as like James, Paul works so is not there on hand all day to help out.

Tbh my 1st reaction is - she is 5. I think its completly normal at that age if you want crisps you take them. Kids are impulsive. Frig im 26 and if a friend has a choccy bar I start drooling and want a bit I think there is a huge difference between taking a few of her lil bro's crisps and shoplifting/taking £ from handbags etc. I understand its the principal but honestly I think its normal hun and I wouldnt make a big issue of it.

As for the treating her to frappe/lunch/boots, that sounds like a lovely treat and its obvious you are trying the whole positive parenting thing. Im sure MJ was grateful, but again at 5 she is bound to not appreciate the value of money. She doesnt understand what a sacrifice that was for you. Yes im sure she enjoyed it at the time but kids memorys are very short... 2 days later that feeling of gratitude will prob have disappeared, and thats normal, not MJ testing/pushing you.

I only have Caitlin, and am an only child so I cant relate to sibbling rivalry. It prob is hard sharing mummys attention, and maybe the problem is she isnt being made to get used to sharing attention. Im not saying ignore her every other hr, but instead of giving her more and more attention try and engage her with drew (Im sure you do already and Im prob not appreciating the age diff and problems there), get her used to drawing on her own/playing without you for short periods.

The schooling thing is up to you. I personally wouldnt home school as i dont think my general knowledge is broad enough and I def couldnt cope with secondary school subjects so feel that its better to integrate kids into mainstream nursery/schools early on. It may help her cope with divided attention too. Personally I too think the social aspect of mainstream schooling is beneficial in forming long term friendships, learning to respect authority, work as part of a group, learning to spend time with people you dont like, emphasise with kids with difficulties/different needs/cultures. I appreciate these skills can be aquired in other groups but school seems the obvious route for me personally.

Not much advice, just wanted to say I think MJs behaviour is totally normal and if Caitlin was acting like that yes Id be frustrated but I wouldnt be worried/upset/angry xxx

So next time should I try to explain that if she has her snack whilst Drew is asleep she can't have another when he has his (this is what I tried, she had hers whilst he was asleep as she didn't want to wait) or should I make her wait next time?

MJ is going through a really difficult phase. I think it maybe because she never had the terrible 2's/3's etc so I'm paying for it now lol

I have taken on board what everyone has said and it was the head I did speak too as well as I was not happy with the way the teacher was talking to me.

I think it is going to best (for my mental health) if she does start going mainstream because she's got a ton of energy and intelligence and I guess a school might be able to harness that more effectively.

Before I would've said home schooling was easy as I had the time to fit Drew and MJ's needs into the day but now I'm pregnant I'm so knackered (and getting stressed) and thinking when the baby comes am I going to be able to teach a 5/6 year old lessons, teach a 1 year old (how to walk and talk etc...) AND look after a newborn and I'm thinking maybe I can't. Maybe it is a step too far? I'm sorry for admitting it but maybe I am a failure and maybe I should just say put her in school even though I don't 100% agree with the system xxxxxxxx

I'm not angry with her because she is only just a child and I know kids can have, what we think, are irrational thoughts but those thoughts are totally rational to the child as kids tend to live in the here and now they don't think about tomorrow. I'm just so frustrated that I don't know what to do with her...

I've tried the whole supernanny thing, rewarding good behaviour, ignoring the bad, naughty steps, time out zones she just doesn't seem to get it (either that or she doesn't care) xxxx

Ok I might sound a bit harsh here but you make her sound like the devils child sometimes when all she did was pinch a crisp. Me and my siblings used to do that all the time and we didnt grow up to be professional bank robbers or anything so stop worrying, she is going through a lot of changes she has no control over like the new baby and being home school etc and its normal to go through a stage of being disobedient just to test boundries to see what she can get away with. She didn't eat the crisp because she saw you looking at her and knew deep down they were drews so shes not completely evil ...

I have absolutely zero experience here as sophie is my only child, but if it was me, id probably just let your daughter have a few quavers aswell as her plum. Hopefully you get the school situation sorted out

Id def agree with Jess. MJ is active and busy and may well ust want to have something cos Drew is. She will burn off a handful of quavers so if she has a plaum when hes asleep shqre the bag of quavers between them when he gets up. Its not gonna hurt her and will stop her taking them off him. But at the end of the day thats not really stealing. If she took something in a shop and started eating it id say clamp down a bit more but qith this just say No MJ they are drews crisps you can have a couple of your own here.

Havent got five year old but she does sound normal to me. I agree with Jess and Mario about the snacks.

As for the schooling, it totally is your choice and whatever you decide, you are not a failure. I agre that there are benefits to mainstream. I am sceptical about homeschooling howevver, my nephews are now home schooled and are thriving from it, learning to think for themselves and to find the answers themselves. They are in america though now and they did go to mainstream till they were 7 and 10, then a private school with a home school curriculum until christmas just gone.

I too thought, isnt it socially isolating, but in america at least, there are home schooling networks so you can meet with others who also homeschool so you dont miss out on those social things. And lessons that are not so easy to homeschool, like some aspects of science for example, the kids can join a mainstream class amd as so common over there, there is no stigma attached when joining in, the kids are just accepted.. So far it is really working for them. It is starting to change my opinion about the whole thing. However, I take my hat off to you, I agree it must be very hard with a one year old as well and imagine will be much tougher when lo comes along.

As i say, she sounds normal so could be and probably am totally off the mark here, but if her behaviour has changed recently,l like since you have withdran her, could it be that she has picked up on the difference (ie others at school but not her) and ,aybe is a bit confused about why? Also what happened sounds absolutely awful, however, withdrawing her for that reason and then not showing her a positive mainstream experience could make it more difficult for her later to get back into mainstream if you choose this because she only at the moment has bad experience to go by so maybe is quite anxious anout school.

wahtever you do, you are the mummy and a good one at that, and your desicion will be the best for you and your whole family.

Big hugs, hope makes sense and come out the right way,

Mandy xx