From 8 weeks old my LO developed infant reflux, it took quite a while to get it sorted out, she had an unsuccessful trial of Gaviscon and testing for Lactose Intolerance before eventually being giving Enfamil AR, Ranitidine and Domperidone which at least controlled the symptoms until I weaned her at which point it totally resolved. From about 12 weeks onwards I began to suffer from low moods. Between dealing with my feelings about her birth which was traumatic and even then was still on my mind and my frustration at not being able to make her better when she was ill I ended up in a place I didn't cope with very well. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings I didn't know how to deal with .
I eventually went to see my gp as I felt flat, tearful, exhausted, frustrated and like a horrific parent. I was short tempered – yelling at my husband and cats, I wasn't sleeping despite the exhaustion and didnt want to get dressed, go anywhere or see people. I was suffering from lack of concentration, forgetfulness, headaches, jaw ache, tenseness, anxiety and panic attacks. I was feeling like an abject failure. On many occasions I felt like I was such a let down to Caelyn that she would be better off if I left and let Neil raise her as I was bound to screw it up. I remember an overwhelming fear I would hurt her somehow even though logically I could never conceive of doing such a thing it terrified me that I might through temper or frustration. I also had pictures in my head of horrible things happening to her. I would see myself dropping her and her landing on her head and other such nightmarish things and I could hardly breathe for the fear of it. Occasionally I would think life would be better for her if I didn't exist and my thoughts took a very dark path indeed though I always tried to head these off. Its not easy though when the person doing you the most damage is inside your own head. You can't remove that from your life. I was so scared she would grow up to hate me and at that time with the way I felt, I felt I would deserve it if she did. My GP put me on citalopram 20mg a day. He also said it didn't help that I'm the kind of person who is harder on themselves than they would ever be on another human being and expects way too much of theirselves, that was making it all worse and something else to get my head round.
Once the antidepressants kicked in it did get a bit easier though not immediately. I often had bad days as well as good. I called them my pyjama days. A good week was one where I got dressed every day. On bad days Caelyn and I would stay in night clothes. I would put fresh ones on us both but the effort of 'real clothes' sometimes seemed like too much to bear. About 5 months after going on the antidepressants I had had enough, I felt like a freak for taking them. I felt like I was better and didn't need them anymore and I felt like you deserved better than a mum on medication. I chose to stop them straight off without speaking to the gp. It was a mistake. I felt terrible. I relapsed back to feeling like I had previously where I didn't want to get up, didn't want to get either of us dressed and felt like I was a terrible mother. Once I finally admitted it to a friend and she kicked my ass for it I realised I had been pretty stupid. I spoke to my GP who was great about it and restarted them. Finally 5 months later when she was about a year old I felt well enough to try again but this time it was for the right reasons. I was having more good days than bad and enjoying her and me so much I felt I was in a good place to stop. I still did (and still often do) feel like so many mothers out there were better at it than me but I'd learned to accept that Caelyn loves me no matter what and as long as I do the best i can for her I have to stop beating myself up over the rest or spend the rest of my life borderline breakdown. It wasn't an easy realisation to come to. I also started writing again which helped as it channelled a lot of my thoughts instead of keeping them inside. This time when I came off my tablets I did it with the help of my gp and cut down my dosage gradually. I finally took my last tabs when C was about 13 months old. The odd bad day crops up but so much fewer and further between these days and i've learned which of my thoughts I should and shouldn't listen to.
Long journey but got there in the end one step after another.
