Will try and make this as short as possible- it makes sense in my head but I fear that may be the only place

The only family we have (pretty much) is my parents who live over 2hours away.
As and when (not too soon or late, hopefully!) little miss arrives - we obviously need childcare for bean.
We've only lived here 3/4 years so no close friends we could ask - unless it was in the day for about an hour or something - even then it's hit and miss.
Sooooo - basically the only option is having my parents over here to look after bean as long as needed, also bearing in mind the hospital is 1/2 an hour away - more with bad traffic.

With me so far?

Well, the thing is, we live in that funny kind of place that is too far away for a day trip - especially if we need a hand once baby is home.
That is, if parents lived closer they could just pop by etc. but that's not do-able so it means staying over.

Don't get me wrong, we really appreciate the help and indeed they've only recently returned home after lending a hand while I was immobile and we were all badly sick! But it disrupts bean's routine so much, it's not like we have a spare room so means a big fuss with air bed etc. and is a huge encroachment on our lives - I hate the feeling of not being able to relax in your own home and having your kitchen etc. taken over - as well as being told how to do things etc - anyway, I digress.

The point is - I have said to my parents that we'd love their baby-sitting skills about February time... and obviously we can't predict what will happen with the labour and birth BUT as and when we return home from hospital, we really need that time with our two babies to settle in and not have house guests. Again, I said if it's the middle of the night OBVIOUSLY we'll not turf them out, but with the intention of them still being handy I've looked into b&b's and self-catering that are local as an option. That way they can still see new baby, help with things for a day or two (shopping, taking bean for a walk etc) but we don't have the added faff of them sleeping here and changing things even more while we get used to being a family of four. Plus no constant 'try this - she needs that' while we get used to a newborn again...

Sorry that's taken ages to write out - I hope you get the jist - basically, what did you do - what do you intend to do - or what is your general take on it as it stands?! I have already had the tounge-in-cheek-arsey-reply of 'ooo, so it's going to cost us then is it?!' to which I said "think of it as a holiday!" - (I should have just said 'fine - either you won't see baby or you can travel a 4/5-hour round trip then - because you're not bloody sleeping here!).

I know that "thanks for your help now bugger off and sleep somewhere else" sounds harsh but I honestly can't face the idea of them staying here and having new baby... any ideas welcome! xx

it's a tough one because you need them to look after bean so it's not just about them not seeing the baby, I hope they don't cause a fuss and go along with it x

Oh i don't know sorry hun, i don't wanna read and run, but i have no advise really.

I am with you on this! Can not think of much worse than having a full and disrupted house when I got home with a new one...would have been worse with a toddler too!

Is there anyway he could go to stay with them for a couple of nights at first?

Urgh - hate the idea of that even more I think the idea of shipping him off somewhere unknown (has been there 2/3 times but wouldn't remember) and to have him so far away... then him coming home to find a new baby in his place

Thing is, if I even mentioned the notion of 'a friend of mine said she's happy to come round day or night and look after bean if we need to go to hospital' they would be put out!! - what's that about?!

I can't be doing with the whole politics of it either, if I ever left him with a friend and gave instructions/food/plans I would hope that they would nod along, listen to me and ask questions - NOT say 'yeah yeah - he'll be fine'

oh dear, it seems you cant do anything without upsetting them!

I think I'd stick with your friend who will come to look after Bean, then say to parents they are welcome to come but will have to stay in a hotel!

See this is why we've arranged for a friend (an old school friend I've known for 18 years) to look after Libby at our house when I go into labour. I just know that if we had my parents round they would be cooing and fussing over me and new baby when I get home - I just cant face it.

I really feel for you hun and I dont really know what to suggest. xx

i couldnt think of anything worse! i hope the agree to staying else where.

personally, id stick with the friend but tell her u dont feel comfortable with the relased yeah yeah he will be fine attitude. drum it into her how u really need to know that he is being looked after as per ur instructions.

Grace I could've written that myself 6 months ago hun - we have very similar circumstances.

If I had asked ANYBODY else to have Thomas whilst I was in hospital I think my mother would've had a breakdown but to be fair to her she did stay until I came home with Hannah (I stayed in 1 night) then stayed for a couple of hours and went home. My parents then came back about a week later to stay a couple of nights by which time I had settled down and we had all got used to being a family of 4 and were ready for visitors.

Like you we have the whole 'airbed in the living room' situation and it drives me mad but to be fair to my parents they adore the kids and would and have dropped everything to come help me at times so I just grin and bare it for a couple of days tbh. There is usually a lot of teeth gritting and tongue holding going on but it's only ever a couple of nights and they do always let me bring the kids down to them and then go back to bed for a couple of hours in the morning too.

I totally sympathise with your situation hun and there is no easy answer tbh. Could you do what we did and have them back down to stay a week or so later? If not I think the hotel idea is the best way to go.

xx

The friend I have in mind has other commitments - to be fair it would only work during the hours of about 9am-2pm (she has 3 children age 10-15) and even then would only be for a couple of hours. The white lie of her being available 24/7 would just be to blur the edges a bit! The 'yeah yeah' is actually what I get from my mother on the (very) rare occasions we've had to leave bean! To be fair though it's pretty much everything, not just childcare

Debs I think that's a good plan - to make it clear that as and when the dust settles and bit and - if they want to - they could maybe stay over here. It's just the fact that our point of view seems so bloody alien and hard for them (my mother) to comprehend -again- not just childcare, anything!
( <-- could only use the rolling-eye smiliey so many times, thought I'd go for a change! ) xx

Completely understand where you are coming from, and really your parents should respect the fact that whilst you need their help you also need your space to adapt to being a family of four. Could you offer to go halves with them on the cost of the accommodation? May act as a bit of a sweetener to them at least.

We are very lucky that my parents live 5 mins walk away and in laws are a 45 minute drive. I would have hated to have either stay with us after the birth of our girls. You need your space!

x x x

^^ good plan. We are skint, but the offer should hopefully sweeten it like you say and hopefully guilt them into seeing what me mean and are serious about it?!

There is an early episode (or maybe a flash-back one) of Everybody Loves Raymond where he gets the map out and draws a circle showing "too close - will always be round" and then another which is "too far - overnight stay" - so that they can look to live somewhere inbetween Can totally relate!! (And to alot of other stuff on that programme actually - if anyone hasn't seen it they actually live across the street from his parents, it's a cringe a minute )

Yeah hopefully they won't actually take the money

I think i have watched every episode of that sitcom, v amusing. Although it is us that have moved closer to my parents

Not a nice conundrum, im lucky my parents only live about 4 miles from us and we dont actually mind that plus i will have a date for the section so mum or dad can take time off work to have c for us. Good luck no matter what you decide

I completely see why you dont want people staying with you when you have had the baby.

I found settling in this time so much harder with a toddler running around than it was when we got Aimee home. Its been great, just 'busier' than it was when we had Aimee, as we are running around after her all the time and trying to keep her occupied.

I would have gone lost the plot if my parents were here to stay over!

My parents live close, and it turned out that I had Lily during the night, so my dad just came over and stayed with Aimee while she slept.

x

arghhh I sympathise! We don't have the whole week covered for babysitting, but then I've been surprised that a couple of my non-pregnant not-working baby group friends haven't offered, and to be honest I'll be calling them if necessary, particularly the one 1/2 mile away with 1 child in a 4 bed house if the timing is such that Seb could go there overnight. I think maybe those with retired parents and who had C-sections first time anyway just don't think, but in our case all 4 parents work and the only one who can be flexible is MIL who doesn't drive, an 80 mile taxi ride won't be cheap. (She also isn't confident looking after Seb and can't lift him.) If I'm late my mother will have finished for Christmas so as long as she has 2 hours notice to drive here we'll be ok, I'm sure she'll head off once I'm out of hospital and settled back at home. I've heard many times what a nightmare it was coming home after 10 days in maternity hospital with 2nd baby to have the in-laws staying and a house that hadn't been cleaned for 10 days (no washing up done or post opened apparently - I expect my father had his hands full looking after me!)

With the building work going on we'll have to give up our bed to anyone who is staying, so if it is a false alarm we could be up all night for no reason. Also I won't be able to have a bath without disturbing the babysitter - ok if it is my mum, but not if it is a nursery worker we are paying (this is our main option for the nights before nursery days as they can walk him to nursery for 8am and then we don't have to worry until 6pm).

In-laws have already booked themselves into a local hotel [at their expense] for 3 nights to visit over Christmas itself. Even OH doesn't seem overly enthusiastic about this but MIL gets upset at the idea of spending Christmas without family. Last time they stayed in a local hotel they visited 10am-9:30pm ish, I used the pregnancy excuse to have a lunchtime lie-down and to go to bed early - just to get some space to myself. They aren't particularly practical at helping around the house (FIL does some drying up but talks so much that it isn't very efficient) but they do enjoy playing with Seb. My parents haven't made any plans to visit yet but will probably only come for a day, aren't remotely fussed about Christmas day itself, and generally eat less and put the kettle on themselves more, so I find the catering a bit easier.

Do you have any pregnant friends / people you know from toddler groups that you could do a reciprocal arrangement with? Unfortunately I find with this that they are either too heavily pregnant to ask, or they are still working and different days of the week using different nurseries, so it isn't practical. But by mentioning our difficulties I had someone from ante-natal group offer to cover thurs nights / fridays, as long as we can get Seb round to hers. I think sometimes you just have to be blunt and ask! (I'm quite glad it will probably be OH making the phone calls and not me though.)

Last resort - unplanned homebirth, not a lot the MWs can do about it if you don't phone until things are too far gone!