This is something I have held in for the past 18 years, I've only told 1 person in that time (a counselor) but I am thinking perhaps if I share this it may help me shed some of my anger and frustration.

Ok, well it was when I was about 19 and had been out one Saturday night and like most teenagers had got rather drunk, well very drunk I should say. Anyway I was in our town centre (where we all used to hang out in our cars) and was looking for one of my mates to give me a lift home. A couple of the local lads said they would and I could crash in the back of the car til they left. I knew them so had no hesitations.

I can remember bits and bobs after that but things were a bit hazy. I remember stumbling in the house at some unearthly hour and crashing on my bed, not even bothering to get undressed! The next morning when I got up I went for a bath and noticed my trousers were undone and my knickers weren't pulled up properly underneath them, guessed I must have gone to the toilet and not remembered. Thinking to myself that I really shouldn't have got so drunk, I carried on with my day.

That evening I went up town with the regulars and there was lots of sniggering going on behind my back. People giving me funny looks and the words 's l a g' and 's l u t' being mentioned too. Finally one of the lads told me what was being said about me. Apparently the two shit heads who took me home went to a car park and one after the other they had sex with me!!! Then they dropped me off home!

Over the next few days and weeks I began remembering things that were said and done by them. But at that age and with what people were saying about me I didn't know what to do!!! I felt disgusted, repulsed and like a whore. I confronted the shit heads and they both denied it. But the looks and name calling carried on! Eventually I made different friends and just got on with things but this has haunted me ever since. Luckily I don't see the lads in question very often at all but when I do I really want to go up to them and smack them square on in the face while screaming lots of abuse at them.

Over the years I have felt so much anger towards them and myself for what happened and wish they could be punished or some justice for what they did could be served but, well that's something that will never happen.

I guess given more time I will learn to let go of the anger that haunts me, at least I hope so, and move on from it. Well it's not like it stops me from doing anything, it's just that with some of the posts on here recently I have realised I am carrying alot of anger around with me from the past and I need to let go of it somehow in order to be truly happy. This is just one of the things I need to deal with.

Don't feel the need to reply, I just needed to get this off my chest. I had a dream about it last night and it's unnerved me a bit! Thank you for taking the time to read it though x x x

awww hun - sorry to hear this . Firstly and the main thing is......no matter how drunk u were, it was NOT your fault. I cant imagine how this much have affected but i can understand the name calling and being singled out as an outcast - it hurts like hell !!! To this day i have a raw nerve about certain things that happened to me when i was a teenager and like you said it only takes a song or dream to bring it back like it was yesterday. You were just unlucky and didnt deserve what happened to you or the crap that came after it. At such an impressionable age like that, im not surprised you feel so much anger, thats perfectly understandable and you have very right to feel hurt/used. What those sick bastards did is awful, more so because it has taken away something very precious. Your trust and peace of mind. Im sure you will get alot of replies to this and really hope it helps you to fight off your demons or at least put them to bed so that you can make sense of it all - lots of love xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind words Leah. I can't explain the emotions that flooded through me when I read what you wrote. I am trying to hold back the tears!

Think it has made me realise I have NEVER delt with this, just tried to forget it ever happened.

I don't often post much about my personal life online, but there have been so many things I have read lately that have made me realise if there's anyone who I can share this with it's you wonderful ladies.

Thanks for not judging me and for your support. It means so much! x x x

Aww Jo Hun. I have to agree with Leah none if what happened was your fault Hun. You have no reason to feel angry with yourself this scumbags abused your trust and deserve a good punch in the face if I was closer I would find them and give them it. I hope that being able to talk about it helps Hun. We all love you loads and are always here for you xxx

aww bless ya. im the same, i dont open up much but i have put a post in mental health about me which reveals a bit. i found that helped because it comforting to know you are not alone and i also come here for help because i think of the ladies on here are like my extended family its good that you have had counselling as it helps to confront what happened and find ways to understand the feelings that you are left with. How people (men) can be so cruel is beyond me. they have no feckin idea the long term mental damage it does to their victims and how it affects their every day life. Im always here for a chat xxx

Hi hun
Totally understand how u feel im guessing not alot of people now this has happnened. Ive also been through a similar thing which hardly anyone knows not even my mum. I blamed myself for a long time as he was a close friend of mine i should of seen it coming but i didnt. It does help to talk about it especially when ur not face to face wiv someone. if u ever need to talk u knw were here 4u xx
Sending u big hugs xxxxx

I have never been in your situation, but feel so angry for you.

I can see that you will feel it is too late to do anything about it now, but its a shame, as that vile pair should be made to pay for what they did.

I agree with the other ladies, it was not your fault at all. We have all been out and had a little too much to drink, but it doesnt give anybody the right to do anything like that.

Maybe you will find that getting it out in the open, even if its just with the ladies on here, it will help you get the anger out.

x

aww hop i am sorry dont really know what to say it makes me mad that they can get away with that i hope you are ok xx

Oh thank you, each and every one of you! x

Carla - sorry to hear that you have been through something similar hun x

Yes it is helping to talk about it. I have only ever told a relate counselor who was a biatch tbh. I got the impression she didn't believe me

If I could turn back the clock I would have gone to the police. I should have!

I've always thought tho that one day I would come face to face with one of them and I would give them a piece of my mind. Still waiting for that one!

I do have MAJOR trust issues and I think that with a little help I may be able to get to the bottom of them. You guys are better than any counselors. You are all so very supportive and it's great to get a wide range of pov on different matters.

I love you all x x x

right now i dont have any words of comfort except to match what the others have said. i would just like to pass on some virtual hugs x

Thanks Laura x x

I can only agree with everything else the other ladies have said! Huge hugs for you!

Xx

That was a disgusting thing to do - they should be the ones ashamed of themselves and feeling bad now.

My only bit of advice which may sound silly is to think about whether it has any effect on your life now? It probably doesn't so you should try to think if it isn't doing anything to my life now then why am I letting it bother me?
I am not saying forget it because you have done that til now and its not done you any good, but talking about it and realising you weren't to blame and that you aren't what the twits said you were will hopefully make you come to realise actually I can deal with it - I am stronger than allowing it effect my life now.

x

I'm so sorry to hear you were put through something so awful, I truely hope that speaking on here will help you.
I've said things to you guys I wouldn't dream of saying to my 'real friends'

Your old councillor should be sacked imo, you should never have been made to feel like that by her! Very unprofessional!

Big hugs to you xx

Thats awful hun,
I hope just talking about it helps you to begin to deal with how you feel about it.
Just remember that there is no excuse for what they did to you, you are not to blame for this. ThE best thing you can do to shove it in everyones face, is to make the best of your life, be as happy as you can possible be, and try not to let them be the winners. Ass holes
XxXxXx

OMG the rotten dirt bags!!!

How dare they, they should be ashamed of themselves!!!

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think you are very strong for telling us, and hope this is a step forward into you believing that you were not to blame. You seem to me a very strong women and that telling us this is going to help you in a way forward in your life.

I hope you are ok and am sending you a super massive bug hug.





Carla - I hope your ok too hun

i don't think i can say anything more than the other ladies have said...i feel sickened that so many women deal with this and feel like they can't rat the scumbags out


you know where i am if you need to talk at all xxx

aww i cant believe what im reading, horrible thinks like this make me sick. its happening all to often., i echo what all the other ladies have said tho hun, and were all here for you.
sorry to hear similar happened to you too carla. xx

Oh Hopa big ((((((hugs))))) I have a pretty good idea of how you feel as I've been through a similar experience. I don't think that I have "dealt" with it as such but I have done as Lisa said. I will not let it effect me. It was awful and it effected me a lot at the time but I'm a different person now as my life has changed so much and it's almost as if it all happened to someone else. I did the same as you and changed my social group entirely, as well as my job, and to be honest, all for the better.

I had the misfortune of walking past the Ahole and it made my stomach drop through the floor and I just wanted to bolt. I don't know how I did it but I sucked it all in, held my head high and just walked on by. Really wish I'd have had the guts to have spat in his face