Do you let your OH parent?

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:48 am

My situation/viewpoint is probably a bit squiff and I admit that.

With stuart having epilepsy/diabetes him walking into town on his own (10min walk) with Caitlin in the pram does have to be decided by me. Eg if he's tired/had blackouts etc I do have to put my foot down - I do get peed that he doesnt have the sense to realise the risk himself and argues he is fine. Yea he probably is but its not worth the risk. Most time's im fine with it and off he goes - my mum gets really upset by this and doesnt think I should leave let Stuart do this at all, but I suppose im relying on the kindness of strangers a bit. He isnt left alone in the house with her (occassionally a 15min round trip to garage if she in bed sleeping)

Again its prob different circumstances saying he has to ask to take her to see MIL. Both Stu & MIL dont drive so its me that would have to drive them over, and sometimes I do have plans - 90% of the time its fine though and i do it.

Ps havent read any of the replys since I started typing this!

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:51 am

Charlies dad is a very capable cook and knows what Charlie would like and can and can't have, I doubt he would know what exact time naps etc are but he does know the tired cry and hungry moans so I think they would be fine.
Oh doesn't take Charlie out alone really, if he wanted to I think I'd feel a bit gutted tbh, I'd rather we did that sort of thing as a family.
Having said that he's not asked or said he wants to take LO anywhere so I don't really know, I suppose my reaction would depend on where they were going!
As for clothes, oh can just about find his way around his own clothes theres no way he'd dress Charlie, but I'm always up with him so oh wouldn't need to anyway

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:52 am

EEEKS Rach you have NOT offended me in anyway! I love the fact people can share their point of view. Please keep posting and dont shy away. We all have different circumstances and its interesting to me to see how other people's relationships/familys work.

I have my own views but im not a stick in the mud, quite often at the start of a thread I think something and by page 3 iv changed my mind.

Do you let your OH parent? - Page 2 466645

Do you let your OH parent? - Page 2 466645

xxx

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:54 am

I actually am a bit shocked at how many people don't let their OH do things because they don't know their kids as well as you because they are at work!?

I work so my OH has Tyler but if he dared to tell me I couldn't do this or that because he knew Tyler better than me because he was with him all day Im sorry but I would tell him where to go.

Like Kenty says we both made him we both make all the decisions together. I am more than capable of making dinner for Tyler, dressing him and keeping him stuck to a routine, just because Im not with him all day doesn't mean I am clueless.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:55 am

Didnt realise your oh had health problems snoopy so would accept you would definitely worry more than most when oh takes lo out alone and would ofcourse be planned around his general health on each occasion Smile

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 9:59 am

Jade you have demonstrated you can care for tyler - I think some people mean that their OH has done daft things and thats why they feel like that.

Iv already explained why I like to make some of the decisions about Caitlin, my circumstances are a bit diff. I see your point though x

thanks rach! x Very Happy

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:01 am

mm I guess but I and everyone else OH's shouldn't have to demonstrate that they can take care of their children, and in fact out of the two of us I am the one who is better at saying what Tyler needs or wants even though Im not with him... maybe it's a mum thing though rather than a whoeever is at home thing?

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:02 am

Jade wrote:: I actually am a bit shocked at how many people don't let their OH do things because they don't know their kids as well as you because they are at work!?

I work so my OH has Tyler but if he dared to tell me I couldn't do this or that because he knew Tyler better than me because he was with him all day Im sorry but I would tell him where to go.

Like Kenty says we both made him we both make all the decisions together. I am more than capable of making dinner for Tyler, dressing him and keeping him stuck to a routine, just because Im not with him all day doesn't mean I am clueless.

No one is saying that - but if you haven't been with him all day you would surely need to ask your OH when he ate, how much he ate, when he napped etc? How else do you know what's been going on? Then you would tend to do what Tyler needs depending on that? Thats the same thing as us telling our OHs that they need their tea at so and so time and will a nap at blah blah.

And if you came home and wanted to take him to the park but Oh said he hasn't had his lunch yet and hasn't napped...surely you'd listen to OH and not just do what you had planned anyway - because OH has been with him and knows?

It makes no odds to me which way it goes - if Dan looked after her and I worked and I wasnt her main carer then maybe Id be the one taking the lead from him.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:03 am

Just to throw something else in there - if Ollie was to go to a childminders which meant they had him more than me, I'd still expect them to do things my way as he is my son! If they didn't then I would move him somewhere else where they would respect my wishes. It's one of the reasons I won't let MIL look after him - she wouldn't know the word no if it smacked her in the face. Ollie would get away with murder and turn into a brat which is not what I want. I want him to grow up respecting the people around him and not receiving an asbo at the age of 8 Laughing

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:04 am

yeh I know what ure saying but I also know Tylers routine so Id know that he had had lunch or naps etc. because he always sticks to the same routine... but yeh I get what you mean. Men are just crap anyway aren't they so they probably won't know routine cos they can't be assed Wink

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:12 am

And the fact that toddlers can change their 'routine' from one day to the next - there is no way in hell I would expect anyone to know if she ate a good sized lunch, napped well or was feeling poorly unless I told them...because guessing based on yesterday wouldn't be a good idea. I change what i do with izzy based on everything that goes on in the day.

The problem with Dan is that he doesn't think more than the current minute...doesn't think whats gone on before or whats going to happen. Today was a perfect example. he said he was taking her to the supermarket, 5 mins there, do the shop, 5 mins back. Didn't take a beaker, nappies, nothing. Didn't think she needed a nap.

On his way there he changed the plan and went to his sisters for 2 hours and then went shopping.
The result was a very grumpy and hungry Isabelle - if only he had asked I'd have said be back at blah blah so she can have lunch and go for a nap.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:18 am

Stuart used to irritate me with his lack of forward thinking. When Caitlin was teeny Id know she was due a btl roughly every 4 hrs and need to be home for it if we hadnt brought one out. He never seemed to get that fact and often id be rushing home from town and he'd be pausing to browse in HMV or suggesting we pop into his mums etc on the way home. It wasnt until Caitlin was crying he would click it was bottle time Rolling Eyes

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:19 am

Lisa wrote:: And the fact that toddlers can change their 'routine' from one day to the next - there is no way in hell I would expect anyone to know if she ate a good sized lunch, napped well or was feeling poorly unless I told them...because guessing based on yesterday wouldn't be a good idea. I change what i do with izzy based on everything that goes on in the day.

The problem with Dan is that he doesn't think more than the current minute...doesn't think whats gone on before or whats going to happen. Today was a perfect example. he said he was taking her to the supermarket, 5 mins there, do the shop, 5 mins back. Didn't take a beaker, nappies, nothing. Didn't think she needed a nap.

On his way there he changed the plan and went to his sisters for 2 hours and then went shopping.
The result was a very grumpy and hungry Isabelle - if only he had asked I'd have said be back at blah blah so she can have lunch and go for a nap.

Karl is exactly the same. He doesnt anticipate what might happen if Cerys gets grumpy or tired or is wet. Whereas I plan ahead for every possibility. Babies and toddlers need routine to feel secure and content. I know her routine exactly, so does Karl but he would deviate from that if he were in charge. He is more floaty and happy go lucky which in my opinion isnt the best way to deal with Cerys. If her routine is slightly messed then we can have a right old grumpy child on our hands Laughing

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:33 am

I made all the decisions, dressed cooked and decided everything for my kids. Because I am their mum and therefore know best. Very Happy

Guest

I honestly believe that a lot of this stuff is to do with maternal instinct (and fashion sense)! Lol

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:40 am

Also to throw into the pot that when couples split for whatever reason it is nearly always the man that leaves the family - the mother keeps the children.

I know some people think they wouldn't ever have had children with a guy if they didn't want to parent equally, but when that decision is made no one knows what the future holds so what is it based on?

The way I see it is, unless I die, I will ALWAYS be there for Izzy, whatever happens. The same can never be said for some dads, they always appear to have less responsibility - just think about how many mums you know who have left thier kids? They aren't exactly looked at in a good light and it rarely happens anyway...men though, well thats nothing it just happens.

What I am trying to say is naturally a mother has a stronger bond, intuition, feeling of protection whatever you want to call it with her children than the father does..and i think this is probably why mothers in general take the lead in shaping their childs life.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 10:41 am

oh well that took me so long to type (and I made a brew during it) that Donna and Pen posted on a similar thought!

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:04 am

Quote :: I know some people think they wouldn't ever have had children with a guy if they didn't want to parent equally, but when that decision is made no one knows what the future holds so what is it based on?

i quite agree lisa as when my mum n dad split cos he was a cheating wife battering arsehole my mum naturally took parental responsibility! My point was when it gets to the point that a dad cant choose which tights go with which dress and which leggings go with a top without a mother having input its a bit silly because in the longterm these things mean nothing to a child!
I understand when ladies are saying their oh has no idea of when their child needs a nap or food but again imo such guidance should be given and i think the dads should step up and take interest and responsibility as they are 50% responsible for the child even if the mothers take the brunt of it Smile

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:07 am

rach&paige wrote:: i think the dads should step up and take interest and responsibility as they are 50% responsible for the child even if the mothers take the brunt of it

Should but often don't unfortunately.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:10 am

Personally I wouldn't want my oh (or my ex oh now) to have 50% say in my kids. In my opinion I know what's best for them and my way is right and I think no-one else could bring my kids up better than me.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:12 am

true Lita but maybe if us mothers put as much time into encouraging the fathers of our lo into having input rather than verbally bashing them for not things may be different? Idea

Like i said maybe i live in my own bubble and my oh is better than i give him credit for Do you let your OH parent? - Page 2 884670

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:13 am

I agree the clothes thing might seem silly - but its bloody annoying! Laughing

Isabelle has a HUGE wardrobe full of clothes, yet he always picks the most hideous outfit that doesn't match, doesn't fit or just isnt right for what she is doing. Usually something a well meaning person has bought that I really hate and only hung in there to be polite but really wanted to use it to clean with.

I don't care if it is silly, if we are going out I will decide what she will wear, he is a man he does not understand a ladies wardrobe or how it works (if we had a son Im sure he would be the one knowing what to do!)
I am not having people look at her and think to themselves 'WTF is that baby wearing?' Shocked

Im not one to care what people think about me, but Izzy is subject to our choices and must not suffer through bad ones Laughing

If we are just at home, well i don't change her I just grin and bear it and then throw whatever hideous item of clothing he found into the bag ready for the attic!

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:16 am

rach&paige wrote:: true Lita but maybe if us mothers put as much time into encouraging the fathers of our lo into having input rather than verbally bashing them for not things may be different?
Like i said maybe i live in my own bubble and my oh is better than i give him credit for

I think its harsh to say mums are verbally bashing!

As I said before some mums and some dads are not naturally 'parent thinking'; just like some mums can't breastfeed - some dads have no idea what a baby wants when it cries - it doesn't always come natural and no amount of asking/explaining will get them to change. You just have to find another way.

Subject: Re: Do you let your OH parent? Sun Feb 27, 2011 11:16 am

I do simple things like ask OH to change his nappy or make his milk and get told no. If I didn't ask he wouldn't do it off his own back (I know, I've tested him) and as it ends up he won't do it anyway. I'm not about to just leave Ollie in a dirty nappy or not let him have milk just to prove a point to OH so therefore I end up doing a lot more for Ollie than what OH does and that's his fault not mine. I'd love for OH to do 50%, would mean I got a break once in a while but it doesn't happen and that's the way it is.

Do you let your OH parent?

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