rach&paige wrote:

true Lita but maybe if us mothers put as much time into encouraging the fathers of our lo into having input rather than verbally bashing them for not things may be different?
Like i said maybe i live in my own bubble and my oh is better than i give him credit for

Mmmmm I know you probably didn't mean that as it sounded which was patronising.
But what you pointed out just proves the point being made. Men shouldn't need encouraging should they if things are to be 50/50??

lmao lisa agreed that men always choose the item in the wardrobe you purposely DO NOT dress them in cos its awful and they put it on thinking its new or something lol, aslong as Paige looks clean and tidy, im quite lucky as apparently oh has a good insight on a girls wardrobe and he buys her clothes quite often x

OMG i give up, surrender etc
no mara not patronising, i believe communication to be the point, and the start of the post was not encouraging men to take responsibility it was the fact that a mother was dictating over a father who could do what and when with a child, i now resalise snoopy has reasons for this

May seem hypocritical but i was referring to the other mother s who think they have more say in their child than their ohs for no apparent reason eg circumstance such as being main carer and stand by the 50/50 reasoning unless ther are unforseen circumstances x

As I said I am sure you didn't mean it like it sounded.

Which ever way we dress this up, I think most if not all mothers take the brunt of responsibility and care over children therefore have more say in the upbringing, and men naturally defer to the mothers wishes I.e what the child wears, eats and naptimes. However wrong or right we think it is mothers generally do have the final say. I am sure there are exceptions to the rule but they are very very far and few between.

well it did sound patronising tbh - you don't actually know what efforts any mother has gone to encourage their Oh to do their 50%...so saying they are verbally bashing them is quite unfair

No one knows what its like in another family, or how circumstances affect the way parenting gets done, everyone is different.

Also who is to say that every mum who thinks they give their OH a 50% say isn't just a bossy boots whose OH just agrees with them for a quiet life?

Who is to say that parents have time to even discuss 'parenting'? Maybe they think its all going well cos they function like a parenting tag team and don't have time to discuss parenting let alone disagree on it, swap over at end of shift and see each other for a couple of hours a day?

There are many many reasons why parents don't always agree on everything - it will never be black and white.

my god im the last to patronise so was definitely not intended although still support my point x
Lisa please for gods sake i was generalising to an extent i think, i give up x

Quote :

No one knows what its like in another family, or how circumstances affect the way parenting gets done, everyone is different.

My point exactly me n oh communicate alot doesnt mean its wrong or other partners should just an opinion

Just wanted to say i shouldnt hide behind the fact Stu has epilepsy, yes it does contribute hugely to family life/responsibilities etc but... I cant swear that if he didnt have epilepsy I wouldnt be the exact same.

I would love to do things 50/50 but there are times I think I do know best. I suppose it really depends on how much you & OH discuss parenting. If you are both laid back thats fine, but some people have certain ideals/standards that they want to stick to & very rarely sway from their standards. I didnt interview Stuart pre pregnancy on all these facts, im sure most people discover post baby that they dont have the same opinions on all issues regarding raising kids.

Picking a school, childminder etc there is no way on earth, disability or not I would just go along with Stuart based on the fact he is Caitlins daddy. I would need to check it out for myself. In the same respect i would hope that Stuart would show an interest & discuss it with me... but I get final say.

Morning!

Well I can't believe that the fact that I don't trust my husband to choose ellies clothes is considered an issue! Lol

Rach, you're very patronising in many of your comments! I won't take offence as your comments are laughable!

Hmmm well the first 8 months of Libby's life I did EVERYTHING for her but I was BF and Simon was working all day - I remember actually thinking OMG he hasnt even held her that day!!

Then I went to work and I had her in the mornings and he had her in the afternoon (luckily I got to dress her, I'm sorry but I'm very OCD when it comes to her clothes!). This helped Simon build up a fantastic relationship with her and he is a wonderful dad, he does so much with her and makes alot more decisions. He decided when her naps should stop and even cooked dinner every night and would dish hers up etc. etc. Yes I used to text him a few times but I trusted him 100% to care for her and know what she needed.

I am slightly worried that things will go backwards now that I'm on mat leave, but I've told him he needs to continue to be Libby's 'main' carer if you like in the afternoons when Dexter's here because I am hoping to BF him and I know how demanding they can be. I suppose we'll have to see how that pans out though.

But yes in answer to the actual question, yes I definately do let Simon parent Libby. xx

rach I know what you are trying to say I think verbal bashing was the wrong word to use but didn't you just mean that if mums encourage dads to help and get involved rather than just tell them what to do then maybe things would be more equal?

I agree - but unfortunately the majority of men just can't be bothered.

Im lucky my OH is bothered and he is Tylers main carer but at the same time that's been on my guidance. Im the one who read the books and comes on the forums for help, deals with his nursery, his doctors, buys his clothes, started his weaning, picked his routine etc etc. He just implements it on a day to day basis.

I think it was mara that said it's basically down to maternal instinct and I think thats true, its not to do with who works and who doesn't but just that mums are better at being mums/ the main carer than dads.

if me and oh split up even though he has Tyler more I would still take care of Tyler on my own rather than him..

Adam can be a bit dim, like this morning he gave Alice a bottle which she immediately puked back up, but generally he is good.

he always asks what the girls ate, how they have been, how much sleep they have had etc.
so i suppose i am lucky, he is a bit rubbish with outfits, but for me there are worse things such as not doing nappies, putting down for naps etc.

Wow missed this one last night.

Id say I let Neil parent but even he if you asked him would admit to being guided by me as I spent most time with C and know her little ways-he will often say 'how did you follow what she just said' when she spouts something at him, or im the first to pick up on things like she develops a certain whine to her vioice when shes thirsty and pass it on to him. I wouldnt say its demeaning him in anyway but at the end of the day by being with her as much as i am i gain the most insight into her idiosyncracies and i think to say otherwise isnt realistic.

I tend to do our meal planner and shopping so i usually know what shes havig for dinner even if i dont cook it and i tend to be the one saying 'you know i think shes ready to cut a nap' or 'time to move her to her big girl bed' because i see most of her. If we are going out somewhere for the day i pick her outfits because neil will otherwise put her in somethig clean and presentable but generally bogging. If shes just playing at home though im less bothered. He will quite often ask me to pick her something out anyways cos he admits she looks cuter in what i choose than him.

That said when i am at work i do 13 hour night shifts in the week and 8 hour day shifts on weekend and totally trust neil to clothe, feed and change her without me leaving detailed guidance. I do tend to ring home at his bedtime or lunchtime depending on my shift just to see how their day has been but its more a status report cos im missing them and we cover any points that need covered, when hes at work he rings me midmorning for exactly the same reason-hes missing us and wants to ask after his girl, neither of us consider it checking up on the other. But it did take a long time before i could get through the shift without fretting constantly and i think thats perfectly natural for a mother. Im lucky in that hes fairly sensible and thinks about her routine and if he goes out will always pack her a bag with a nappy, wipes a snack and a drink or make sure he has change for same but if my OH had done some of the daft things ive read about on here i think id be a damn sight more leery of him and want more input too. If he takes her out he does let me know where hes going etc but i wudnt say he asks. That said now ive been off sick 4 months im always about anyway and he doesnt uually take her out without me unless i throw them both out the house cos ive had enough.

One thing does confuse me slightly Jade, you say you chose Tylers routine and your OH implements it. But if hes the SAHD surely he is the one who knows which routine might suit him best? What did you base your choice of routine on? Cos ive altered C's over time just by thinking 'yknow what she needs a nap cutting out so gonna have to move mealtimes to x,y,z' and thats cos im home all day - neil wudnt have a clue about doing that. Do i guess he comes to you and says if things need to change like moving mealtimes/naps/cutting sleeps down or do you just decide? Cos id be a bit irked if neil tried to set C a routine when i know what suits her best through the course of the day by being with her all the time. Just intrigued as to how it works for you when your situation is reversed yet you are making the big decisions still so wondered how you based them.

If Neil and i were to ever split up id like to think we would organise a joint custody as hes actually far more sorted as a parent than he gives himself credit for but im not surprised some of the ladies on here worry more than i do based on the stories they have told over time and dont think they are being unreasonable either

just to add...how many dad's do you see reading parenting books, joining parenting forums going to their mum for advice??? im not saying thats a bad thing...its just meternal instinct, its not that dads are not as good parents, but its juist how women are made...i could quite happily sit all day and watch my 2 play whilst he would get board after an hour, i think its mostly down to nature

i get what im trying to say...but not sure how to word it, so sorry if it sounds like total bollox x

well when I was at home on maternity leave I implented everything and OH carried on with it when I went back to work, when I Started back at work I was only doing half days so was 9 till 12.30 I was normaly home for lunch time and so all OH had to do was Tylers 10.30 bottle.

the longest Im at work is 9 till 3 and Im in touch with OH all day, I always ask if Tylers had his nap yet what did he have for lunch etc. not because Im checking up but like you mario I miss him and I like to keep in touch with what he is up to.

I guess even though I am away from Tyler I am still more in tune with him than OH is... I think it must be maternal instincts because I pick up on things that OH doesn't... for example the other day Tyler would NOT eat any of his lunch (we were giving him a jar as didn't have anything suitable in) and I just knew Tyler wasn' thaving it cos he wanted to feed himself so popped it in a bowl and he ate it fine... OH said oh you always pick these things up better then I do.

We both tend to agree on everything about Tyler anyway and we're both quite in tune with his needs and Tyler can tell us quite easily what he wants, I say we have a routine but it's been implemented mostly by Tyler, we dont have strict times for naps Tyler sleeps when he's tired but he just always happens to get tired at the same time.

oops didn't realised Id waffled on so much haha. but basically OH is the one at home but Im never very far away or always make sure I know exactly what has gone on in the day

^^^^thats exactley what i was trying to say jade...even if the mum is the main worker...they just seem to be more in tune with their lo's...its just nature xx

yep totally agree gemz. I deffo seem to know what Tyler needs more than my OH however Tyler is closer to OH which is understandable as he is with him more.. Tyler would rather be comforted by him over me but as for his needs I am the one who "sees" them and reacts to them etc.

OH will text me saying for example "I made Tyler omelette but he won't eat do u think I should try x" so hes sometimes asking my opinion and advice.

Wow this is a long thread and a healthy debate

Before Wil was born OH and I sat down and set out the principles of how we would bring Wil up and we use that document as a basis for all our parenting decisions. It is a very high level document based on my beliefs. Every few months we revisit it to check we are still doing what we said we would.

Wil effectively has 3 parents because he spends 50 hours a week with his childminder while OH and I are at work. Wil's childminder, Noelle, also works to our document and my beliefs which she also has a copy of. Day to day we have a book that we write in so Noelle can tell us what naps and meals Wil has had. We also write what he has been doing over the weekend in it so Noelle can talk to him about it.

On a day to day basis I tend to sort out Wil's clothes and write updates in his book for Noelle while OH sorts the dogs out. OH sorts all our food so Wil is included in that.

I trust OH to stick to our plan and he is more than capable of looking after Wil so I let him get on with it. My only grumble is when he interferes when I am disciplining Wil because our rule is that whoever starts the discipline sees it through but OH struggles to stick to it because he is an interferring git.

oh god Gill we have a real nightmare with discipline as me and OH have discussed and agreed to do it one way but he just can't stick to it. I dont believe in shouting at Tyler or telling him NO as I dont see the point I tell him why he can't do something etc well OH just shouts at him,. thats a real sticking point with me at the moment but because I AM the one who works I feel like I can't "interfere"

i try not to let dan choose ditas clothes cos he is absoloutly useless, he doesnt give them the best of foods when im not around but it doesnt bother me cos they know mummy doesnt say yes lol
tbh most of the decisions are mine, but thats just because i am there all the time and know them more.
I always ask oh for his opinion and i will take it into account, i believe he is more then capable and wouldnt think twice about letting him take over if need be but just the way it is i am the main decision maker!
x

Jade wrote:

well when I was at home on maternity leave I implented everything and OH carried on with it when I went back to work, when I Started back at work I was only doing half days so was 9 till 12.30 I was normaly home for lunch time and so all OH had to do was Tylers 10.30 bottle.

the longest Im at work is 9 till 3 and Im in touch with OH all day, I always ask if Tylers had his nap yet what did he have for lunch etc. not because Im checking up but like you mario I miss him and I like to keep in touch with what he is up to.

I guess even though I am away from Tyler I am still more in tune with him than OH is... I think it must be maternal instincts because I pick up on things that OH doesn't... for example the other day Tyler would NOT eat any of his lunch (we were giving him a jar as didn't have anything suitable in) and I just knew Tyler wasn' thaving it cos he wanted to feed himself so popped it in a bowl and he ate it fine... OH said oh you always pick these things up better then I do.

We both tend to agree on everything about Tyler anyway and we're both quite in tune with his needs and Tyler can tell us quite easily what he wants, I say we have a routine but it's been implemented mostly by Tyler, we dont have strict times for naps Tyler sleeps when he's tired but he just always happens to get tired at the same time.

oops didn't realised Id waffled on so much haha. but basically OH is the one at home but Im never very far away or always make sure I know exactly what has gone on in the day

Ah fair enough, wasnt having a dig just curious x

haha I know mario I was finding it hard to answer your question I tend to ramble off in a different direction. suppose I could've just said cos I make sure Im as involved as OH is by keeping myself informed of Tylers daily activities and I guess as his mum Im just more aware of his signs and what they mean than OH is

we are very 50/50 right now.

when hannah was a baby I was 100% her carer. decided everything. told oh when he could and couldnt take her anywhere. I totally get what some of you ladies are saying.

when I went back to work I continued to make all the decisions although oh was a bit more involved.
over time he started taking more of an interest in choosing the right clothes. and I cant remember the last time he dressed her in a hideous outfit!
we both decide meals/lunches together by sitting down and writing out a shopping list.

we take turns doing everything with her, putting her to bed, bathing her, doing puzzles, taking her to nursery, picking her up and so on.
but we do still update each other on everything exactly like a tag team and if Itake her anywhere I let oh know and vice versa.

the only thing we really have a fight about now is sometimes hes too soft on her and I look like the bad one saying no and he immediately says yes. that will come in handy for her when shes a teenager and wants money

I sometimes miss the days I had full control but my life is so much easier now. and its completely down to maternal instinct